Sampson and I lost touch for many years before reconnecting on Facebook last year. Right from the beginning, he told me he wanted us to start a relationship that would lead to marriage.

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I told him, “That’s fine with me. I’m single and ready to be with someone. But you should know that a lot has changed for me since we lost touch. I have a daughter now.”

“I also have a son. So we can make this work,” he assured me.

It seemed we were off to a good start. I live in Accra and he lives in Sunyani, but he had some meetings in Accra around the time we started dating. We met and had a long conversation about our future when he was in town.

A few weeks after he returned to Sunyani, he asked me to visit him. I told him it wouldn’t be possible for me to travel that far.

“I was involved in an accident a while back. Now, I can walk and do everything for myself, but my family is quite protective of me. They won’t let me travel from Accra to Sunyani to visit someone they don’t even know,” I explained.

He didn’t want to understand, so I added, “If you really want me to come and visit, then you have to meet my mum. Once she meets you and knows where I’m going, she’ll inform the rest of the family.”

He said no, and that it was too early in the relationship to meet my mother. According to him, it would make more sense to spend time with me consistently before meeting my family. I refused to go, and he also said he wouldn’t travel to Accra.

Somewhere along the line, we had a misunderstanding. He called me a lot of horrible names. I gave him a piece of my mind and told him he wasn’t worth the trouble. That should have been the end of us, but I regretted how I behaved and sent him an apology via text.

When he read the message, he said we were cool. However, he gave me a condition: if I wanted the relationship to work, he would be in Winneba on business, and I should meet him there. I refused. Once again, I explained that my health condition wouldn’t allow me to travel that far. Besides, my family wouldn’t let me. If I need to travel, they must know the person I’m going to see, and they would stay in contact with that person from the moment I leave the house until I return.

“If you’re serious about marrying me, then come and see my mum. Let her know who you are and your intentions toward me. From there, I can follow you to Sunyani or Winneba—whichever you prefer.”

He said he wouldn’t do it. We reached a stalemate. He wanted me to prove I was serious about the relationship, and I had the same expectation of him. So we left things as they were.

We were tiptoeing around the elephant in the room until Christmas came. I asked him what he was getting me for the holidays. He called me selfish and said he expected me to take money from my salary and buy him a gift.

“I was already planning to send you something, but because you didn’t think of me, I won’t do it anymore,” he declared.

When I told my mum about this, she advised me to ask him about my daughter.

He responded, “You told me you don’t celebrate Christmas, so I assume your daughter doesn’t either.”

Meanwhile, he had sent gifts to his son and his baby mama. After hearing that, my mother said, “This isn’t the man you should marry. Let him go and find someone better.”

I tried to cut him off, but he came back and apologized. He said we should start the relationship on a clean slate. I agreed. But when he brought up the Winneba trip again, our problems resurfaced.

Because I insisted my family had to know him before I traveled a long distance to meet him, he got angry. He insulted me and said I wasn’t serious about the relationship, and that I wasn’t mature enough for marriage.

Out of curiosity, I asked, “What exactly do you want me to come and do there, anyway?”

“You’re coming so we can have fun and sex. Then we’ll talk about the way forward for our relationship.”

“Is that the only reason you want me to come?”

I expected him to revise his answer, but Sampson blatantly told me that aside from physical intimacy, women have nothing else to offer in relationships or marriages. Then he said, “If you don’t come to Winneba, forget about this relationship.”

I was shocked, especially when he went on and on about the women in his life who were waiting to have him. According to him, those women were willing to give him the sex I was withholding.

“I’ve realized I’m wasting my time with you. Those women out there are even better than you.”

“Why are you talking like this just because of my own body?” I asked. “Are you the one who pays my bills?”

“There are independent women out there who’ll give me what I want, hoping I’ll marry them. I’m going to look for them. This is goodbye.”

And just like that, our relationship ended. I don’t feel bad that he’s gone. He came across as someone who didn’t care about my well-being. Besides, my mother hasn’t gotten past his behavior during Christmas.

Nonetheless, I can’t shake off his words: “Sex is the only thing women have to offer in relationships and marriages.”

 

I know I have a lot more to offer a man than just meeting his physical needs. But the way he said it has left me wondering if I have been wrong all along. Is that really how all men think? Do you only expect intimacy from women when you marry them or enter a relationship with them?

I want to know if I will remain single forever just because I’m trying to bring value to a man in ways that have nothing to do with taking each other’s clothes off.

—Emefa

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