I got married almost immediately after I completed senior high school. This was five years ago. I knew my husband well before we got married. We had dated for three years. I couldn’t picture a happy life for myself without him as my husband. He was the only man I ever wanted. I loved him without holding anything back. I felt giving him my all because he made me believe I was the only one his heart desired.

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When we got married it was beautiful. I furthered my education and he supported me every step of the way. Our busy schedules made it difficult for us to spend time together as a couple but I wasn’t worried. I knew it was just for a season. It was only a matter of time before I would be done with school and things would get back to normal again, I was sure.

The storms began when I realised the emotional distance between us had nothing to do with physical unavailability. It was he, who was too distracted to be the husband I married. He was there physically but emotionally and mentally, he was absent. He kept telling me everything was fine and that he hadn’t changed but who would believe that lie?

I had read enough stories to know that when a man is acting different, the answer can often be found on his phone. So I bided my time until I got the chance to dig through his phone.

My dear readers, you won’t believe what I found. My husband was having an affair but that’s not even the part that broke me. Of all the women in the world he could cheat on me with, he chose my own sister’s daughter to execute this betrayal.

Thankfully, the shock of this discovery didn’t cause me to miscarry my pregnancy. He wasn’t even remorseful when I confronted him. From what I gathered, they were dating before he even married me. I asked him why he didn’t marry my niece if she was the one he wanted. He still wasn’t sorry for his actions.

Rather, he told me he didn’t do anything wrong. He insisted he hadn’t offended anyone by getting involved with my niece. He just shrugged and said, “If you think I have committed an abomination, take me wherever you want.”

As I write this, we are living separately but we are not officially divorced. He only comes to visit the children when he feels like it, or when there is a family gathering. Apart from that, he can go days and even weeks without checking up on us.

We barely talk. Even before everything fell apart, conversations no longer existed in our marriage. Couples are supposed to plan life together, by discussing important life matters. That was not the case with my marriage. I was always the last to know his plans. For instance, he once attended a pastor’s school to become a pastor and didn’t tell me.

Even now, when he comes around he wouldn’t talk. He would be on his phone or computer. Sometimes, he would step out and come back in time to say he has to go. I thought I was the only one who noticed, until recently when my eldest son asked me, “Mummy, daddy doesn’t talk to us when he comes here. He doesn’t teach us homework too. Why?”

That question broke me. It was something I had been battling within myself for years, and to hear it from my child made the pain even deeper.

Sometimes I feel he never loved me. Maybe he married me simply because I was available. I won’t even be surprised if he has another family somewhere. His behaviour doesn’t match that of a committed family man. He earns well but doesn’t contribute financially to our upkeep. He knows I am not yet working yet he doesn’t even ask how the children and I are coping.

I am only 25 years old but the stress of this marriage has aged me to the point that people are calling me, “Maa.” Emotionally, I am drained. Mentally, I am exhausted. I have been waiting hoping he would change his ways so that we could reconcile, but it is clear it’s never going to happen.

Before I married him, another man had proposed to me. That man wanted to open a business for me, build a house, and then marry me afterwards. He had plans to change my life and support my family. But I said no—all because I was in love with the one is now my husband. I chose love, yet look at how I am being treated.

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I feel used. The same man who stood before God and promised to love me is behaving like I am a stranger to him. He is a pastor, yet his home is in ruins. How can a man preach peace into other people’s marriages when he cannot manage his own?

I have decided not to wait around for him anymore. There is a man who used to love me, but I never gave him a chance because he was older. Recently, he got my number from my elder brother and called me. He told me he still wants to be in my life. He said I should allow him to build me up, and that he has what it takes to support a woman and establish her.

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His offer sounds juicy, exactly what I need to hear right now. I want to take a bold step to establish myself and build a better future for my children. But at the same time, I fear I might be doing something wrong. I have two children—a boy before I married my husband and a girl I had with my husband.

I once saw a message on my husband’s phone where he told another woman that he is not married but searching. Based on this, will I be a bad person if I move on with my life even though we are not officially divorced?

—Dela

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