I am 23 years old and in a relationship with a guy I met through a friend while I was in university. We’ve been together for nine months now, and almost all of it has been long distance. I was doing my national service in one state, and he was in another.

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From the very first month, he wanted me to visit him. I refused. I told him the relationship was too new for me to take such a risky journey. He kept asking, month after month. And truthfully, I wanted to see him too. After all the phone calls, texts, and video chats, I wanted to see my man so badly. But I was scared.

I was scared of lying to my parents about where I was going. And most of all, I was scared he might want to go further with me sexually. I have never allowed a man to sleep with me before, and I don’t want that to happen before marriage.

I am afraid of giving my body to someone who might not stay. I cannot imagine the heartbreak of sleeping with a man who later walks away. So I’ve been protecting myself, guarding my body and my heart like they are the most precious things I own.

But my boyfriend wants sex. He says he will wait until I am ready, but deep down, I know I won’t be ready anytime soon. Not until I am married. Not until I am sure. Recently, I returned to my base and we made plans to meet. I was nervous. The plan involved me lying to my parents, and that alone made me uneasy. But I went ahead with it. Love is crazy like that. It makes you do things you swore you would never do.

The moment I arrived, my biggest fear came true. He didn’t even let me settle before he was all over me. Kisses, touches, his hands everywhere. I was overwhelmed. I felt trapped.

Thankfully, we didn’t go further down hill. I am grateful for that because I would have blamed myself forever. I would have carried that guilt like a weight I couldn’t shake off. I felt guilty about lying to my parents. I told him I wanted to leave the next day and go back home. He didn’t argue. Instead, he gave me a perfectly crafted lie to tell them. While I was shaking with guilt, he was calm. Too calm.

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He even called me a baby. He said he didn’t understand why I involved my parents in everything, like it was childish to care what they thought. That moment made me suspicious. The way he helped me lie so easily, without blinking, made me wonder about his honesty. If he can lie so well, what else is he hiding? What lies has he told me? What lies will he tell in the future?

I told him we should make our relationship known to my parents, to stop all this sneaking around. He refused. He said it was too early, that we didn’t need to involve them yet.

Now I’m afraid. Afraid that he only wants me for sex. Afraid that our values don’t match. Afraid that I’m wasting my time with someone who doesn’t respect what matters to me.

During my service year, he supported me financially, but only about 30 percent. I had to take on part-time jobs just to feed myself. Whenever I asked for help, he sent small amounts that barely made a difference. GHS 50 here, GHS 100 there, when I needed real support.

I’m starting to feel like I should end this relationship. I want something open and honest. I want someone who respects my decision to wait until marriage. I want someone who doesn’t make me feel guilty for having boundaries. I want someone who wants to meet my parents, not hide from them.

But he wants something else. He wants my body now and commitment later. He wants secrecy, not honesty. He wants me to compromise my values to match his convenience.

I don’t know what to do. My heart is confused because I’ve invested nine months into this. My mind is tired of fighting him off every time we meet. I need clarity. I need wisdom. I need to know if I’m overthinking this or if my instincts are right. What if I stay and he keeps pressuring me until I give in? What if I give in and he leaves me six months later? What if I’m protecting my body now only to lose it to someone who was never worth it?

What if the way he helped me lie to my parents so easily is a sign of who he really is? Someone who lies without thinking. Someone who manipulates situations to get what he wants.

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I am 23 years old. I am trying to honour my parents, honour my body, and honour my values. But I’m with someone who seems to think all of that is childish and unnecessary.

Is it wrong to want a man who respects my decision to wait? Is it wrong to want someone who doesn’t make me sneak around and lie? Is it wrong to want someone who supports me fully, not just 30 per cent?

Or should I just accept that this is how modern relationships work and stop being so uptight?

I don’t have the answers. But I know one thing. I’m tired of feeling guilty for having standards.

—Joy

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