If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the  link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

I was hurt. I was thinking. I plunged into depression and blamed myself for what happened. I was having a hard time in my marriage but my mother was the most affected. She didn’t sleep at night. She was thinking about me and how I was managing beside my husband. She told me, “I look at you and my heart skips several beats. You’re troubled and it shows. You have to do something about it before it starts affecting the child.” I asked, “What can I do about it? It would have been easier if he accepted his mistake but he wouldn’t. He rather blames me for conniving with the girls.” My mom said, “Not all sins are admitted but we have to learn to forgive anyway. He won’t accept it. He’s ashamed of it and won’t come forward to accept that it happened but for your own peace, learn to forgive him.” 

It wasn’t as if I wasn’t trying. I tried to forget and tried to do something to occupy my mind but once he makes an attempt to sleep with me, I start to get flashes of what he did to those girls. I wasn’t allowing him to touch me. He had to force his way sometimes. He had to resort to force to get what he used to get freely. He said, “You see how you’re treating me here, mark it on the wall. One day, I will remind you of what you did. You are out there conniving with those girls to tell lies about me. What do you expect me to do when you are not performing your nightly duties as a woman?” It was an opportunity to talk. I asked him, “So you did it? Tell me you did it because I was not giving you attention. Push the blame on. Tell me you did it but I pushed you and I will accept it. I will accept my role in your infidelity and change if only you’ll accept your role too.”

“I didn’t do anything with those girls. They are liars and unfortunately, you believe in lies. They’ll be the reason why this marriage won’t survive.”

My condition got worse. I was talking to myself often. My mom said, “How about opening up to his parents? They might help you heal and push him to own his mistakes.” I called his father and told him everything. His father told his mother and the woman called me. I repeated the whole story. She said, “Don’t worry. We’ll come there and have a sit-down talk.” They came there. We sat down. Questions were asked. We answered. He still denied that he had something to do with the girls. He said, “I’m ready to stand anywhere to declare my innocence. I didn’t do it. Why are they trying to push me to accept lies?” I asked, “So all those nights that you sneaked out of the house, where did you go?”

He answered, “I told you where I went that night. If you didn’t believe me then I can’t help you.” His parents did their best to bring closure to the issue but he made no concessions. He accepted no faults and rather pushed the whole mistake on me. “You don’t do your duties in bed. You push me away and later blame me. Fix yourself first before you try to fix what is not broken.” His parents told me to forgive and start afresh.

My mother left us after the meeting. She said it would be easier for us to resolve our issues once she’s not in the picture. We had to send the baby to Daycare. I didn’t like the idea but it was all I could do at the moment. I tried to open up so we could rebuild. When my mother left the house, he changed totally. He would come from work and won’t talk to me. When I asked him questions, he answered with his head or didn’t answer at all. He was always on his phone or doing something on his laptop. He wouldn’t do anything in the house. He won’t eat what I had cooked and won’t have any conversation with me but jump on me at night and take what he wants to take. NO romance. No lovemaking. Even When I was bruising, he didn’t care.

I needed a break. A huge one for that matter. I discussed it with him and he agreed. I packed a few things and went to live with my parents. I had people to talk to and had people around me who really cared about me. My mom took absolute control of the baby. I slept alone at night while my mom took care of the baby. I was sleeping better. I was thinking less. I was slowly healing from everything that happened. I was disconnected from the source of my hurt so healing was easier. I was with my parents for a whole week and he never called me. I called him in the morning, called in the afternoon, and called in the night before he slept. He never asked about our child. He said a few words to me and hang up the call.

I was speaking with him one day when he asked me, “So when are you coming back?” I had spent about a month with my parents. I told him, “Ask me to come and I will come.” He said, “I didn’t ask you to go so I can’t ask you to come. If you like, stay there forever.” Men and their ego. He had missed me but won’t say it directly. It was a Thursday. I decided I will go and visit him on Friday after work. I will go alone so both of us can have a lone time to talk about the future of our marriage. I got home around 7pm and he wasn’t home. I called his phone; “So where are you?” He answered, “What sort of question is this? Where else can I be at this time?” I answered, “Oh home. I’m sorry.” 

I spoke with him for about three minutes without telling him that I was home. Unfortunately, I didn’t go with my keys so I had to sit outside and wait for him. I sat on the staircase leading to our room and waited for him. The house is a story building just by the street. When I waited for hours and he wasn’t coming, I climbed up the stairs and went to stand on the balcony overlooking the main street. Around 10pm, a taxi stopped by the road and he got out of the taxi. He was holding a small bag that looked like a ladies’ bag. A few seconds after he stepped out, a lady also stepped out of the taxi. The taxi driver drove away and he started walking with the lady towards the house. 

Just when they were about to enter the compound, he lifted his head and saw me, I quickly dashed off the scene. But he might have seen me or something. When you know someone, even if you see their shadow you’ll recognize them right? I started walking down the stairs to meet them. By the time I got down, he was there alone. I asked him, “Where is the lady you were coming with? Oh, so that’s what you’ve been doing right? I’m not here so you bring in women whenever you want.” He got defensive. What kind of silly assumption is that? Did you meet me here with a woman?” I started looking around for the woman. She was nowhere to be found but guess what, he was still holding the bag that looked like a ladies’ bag. 

“There’s no woman with you so whose bag is that?”

Then it dawned on him that he forgot to give the bag back to the lady. He pushed me off his way, opened the door, and entered. Still having the bag in his hand. The question was still the same, “Whose bag is this?” Typical of him. When he’s caught off-guard, he refuses to answer your questions. He’ll take his time to process his answer and give you an answer that makes you look stupid in front of him. I wasn’t going to give him that space to think so I kept screaming the question. I said, “Put the bag down and explain where you got it from if it wasn’t for the lady I saw you with. “Which lady?” He asked. All night, he refused to put the bag down and refused to answer my questions. I called his father right there and told him what I’d found. He asked me to give him the phone. He took the phone from me and cut the call. “I’m not ready to talk to anyone because of your assumptions.”

I said, “That’s ok. It’s your own house. Do as you please. You can even turn it into a brothel, I don’t care.”

I went back to my parents that same night, leaving him and his lady’s bag in his hand. My mother met me at the gate and saw me crying. She asked, “Why have you returned? And why are you crying?” I answered with a choked voice, “It’s over. I’m not going back to that marriage again. I would rather die single than live in a marriage full of deceit and cheating.” I went inside my room and cried all night. In the morning, I told her everything. Just when we were talking about it, my husband’s father called me. He asked what happened after he cut the call. I explained everything to him. He sighed and said, “My daughter, We’ve done our best and you’ve done your best too. At this moment, there’s nothing else we can do. If you were my daughter, I would probably ask you to leave the marriage. Decide what you want and I will personally support you. That boy you live with isn’t the man I raised.”

For a whole week, he didn’t even make an attempt to apologize or explain anything. I didn’t call him and he also didn’t call. The next time when I called, I told him, “It’s obvious you don’t want this marriage again. I’m the one forcing you to stay in it. It’s ok. I’ve decided to seek divorce. I will come home later for my things.” Again, he didn’t make any attempt to salvage the situation. Maybe he thought I was joking or I was using divorce to coerce him. He said, “You can’t be serious. Is this something that should cause divorce?”

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When I went there for my things, I went with my father and the son of our neighbor. He was there while I packed everything that belongs to me. He came to the bedroom to warn me to think seriously about what I was doing. Again, no apology or no attempt was made to discuss what he did that night. It was with his father when his father called him and told him that we had returned the drink for the marriage. That was when he started sensing the seriousness in me. But at that time, I was far gone. Emotionally and physically, I was out of the marriage. He called for us to talk things over. I told him the time to talk was long gone. He said he has explanations. I told him he should explain to his own conscience. 

We returned the drinks and later initiated the official divorce. It’s grinding slowly but I’m patient and confident enough to go through with it to the end. The last time we talked, he said, “Let’s bygone be bygone. I’m ready to make it work. You have to trust me on this one.” I asked, “What bygone are you talking about here?” He makes allusions without concessions. To date, he hadn’t come forward to accept that he cheated so I should forgive him. He wants forgiveness without a cause but this girl here has matured enough to know what she wants and what she’s ready to live for. I don’t want him and I don’t want to spend a second of my life living for him. The process is ongoing. We will get to the end soon. 

I’m happy regardless. I don’t stay in bed at night thinking about what a husband may be doing behind me. I sleep and sleep peacefully. The amazing thing is that these days, my child sleeps and doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night to make noise. Maybe, he senses the peace in me and has decided to collaborate to make things work. He calls us often to ask how his child is doing. I tell him he’s doing well and that’s all. He said he would come for him on weekends and I said Ok. He has never come but that’s ok. It doesn’t take anything away from the peace I’m enjoying now. 

–Frema 

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