For some reason I can’t explain, I have found myself suddenly consumed with thoughts of my ex-boyfriend, Joel. I miss him so much. I guess it could be because what we had went beyond a relationship between lovers. He was my playmate, partner in crime, and gossip partner, all in one. He taught me what it means to be with someone who is your best friend in every sense of the word.
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When he first proposed to me, I was young. So young that I didn’t understand what it meant to be in a relationship, not to talk of love. I only said yes because I liked him, and I was excited at the thought of having someone to talk to.
One thing I am thankful for is that he didn’t take advantage of my naïveté. He realised that I was inexperienced right from our first kiss when I bit him. I didn’t know what I was doing. I had watched YouTube videos about how to be a good kisser. It turned out reality was a different ball game.
I remember how hard he laughed at my failed attempt at kissing. “Have you done this before?” He asked, when he pulled himself together. I lied and said yes. Oh, but he knew. Since then, he became more protective of my virtue than I even was.
He told me he always came first or second in his class, so I must not slack when it came to school work. Every chance he got, he would advise me to focus on my books and nothing else. “Even me, don’t let me be your distraction.”
His constant advice actually helped me take my studies seriously. If I struggled to understand something, he would show up to teach me. If I missed him and asked to see him, he would still show up. There were times he got beaten by rain on his way to my place. He would show up shivering and cold. God, I miss those days of pure innocence and selfless love. Yes, I always felt bad about it whenever it happened but now, they are memories I hold close to my heart.
“We will get married,” he would promise, “you will be the wife of a superstar.”
I believe we would have still been together today if only he hadn’t started listening to his friends. Their girlfriends cheated on them, so they started talking about how women cheat on men who love them too much. I never did anything to give him the impression that I would cheat but he started detaching from me. He treated me as if he was too available to me, I would take his love for granted.
My once sweet and doting Joel started reading my messages without responding to them. On my birthday, he did not even text me a simple, “Happy Birthday.”
For the first time in our three years together, we started having fights. He would call me selfish just because I asked why he wouldn’t return my calls. We no longer felt like a couple. It was just me, single-handedly holding on to the skeletons of our good days.
When I got tired of begging him to act right, I ended everything. It broke my heart to leave him but I felt it was better than staying where I was no longer wanted.
Three months after the break-up, the pain was still as fresh as the day it happened. I was sure I wouldn’t survive it. So I called him and said, “Joel, I miss you. Can we get back together?”
He said, “It’s too late for that. I have a new girlfriend now.”
That broke me. I kept asking myself, “How can he move on to someone else after only three months apart? Did I mean so little to him?”
I thought I would cry forever but eventually the pain lessened. I also found someone and moved on. It didn’t help me forget Joel. Throughout the relationship, my heart was stuck in my past. Eventually, I had to leave that guy when he also started detaching from me the way Joel did.
No, I won’t go back to him if he should come back. I remember when he called me during the early stages of my relationship to say that his relationship had failed. If I was single I would have given us another chance. But I was with the new guy by then. I didn’t want to hurt him so I chose to stay there.
Three Months After Our Breakup, He Got Married
Now, that one too has ended but I’m still not over my past. I guess it’s true what they say that you don’t easily forget your first love. I am here wishing we had worked out. If only he hadn’t listened to his friends. If only he had fought for me when I walked away. If only I wasn’t with someone else when his relationship ended. I’m plagued with so many “What ifs…”
What we had was truly beautiful. I hope the next time I fall in love it ends happily. I hope it doesn’t leave me wondering where I went wrong. As for Joel, I wish him well.
—Maa Adwoa
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Since you know that his detachment was due to peer pressure and both of you are more mature now, why don’t you give it another chance. Remember, the devil you know….