My boyfriend is a headteacher, and because of the way people respected him, I assumed he was financially “settled.” At that time, I hadn’t been posted yet. I had no salary, and for a year and a half, Kojo was the one providing for me.

We have recently been talking about marriage, and a lot of truths are beginning to surface.

First of all, I found out he is 36 years old—7 years older than me at 28. More than the age gap, I feel he wasn’t transparent about his financial status. I thought I was marrying someone established, but I realized he doesn’t even have a car; he takes trotro to school.

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I feel like he kept the reality of his life from me until I was already deep in the relationship. Because of this, resentment has taken over. I’ve started comparing him to the men I see in East Legon or the ones in my DMs offering a “softer” life.

I’ve become disrespectful. I’ve insulted him during arguments about money. Worst of all, he once opened up to me in complete trust about his past relationships and how they ended. Now, whenever we fight, I use that against him to provoke him, and it always gets to him. I take his own vulnerabilities and weaponize them to hurt him.

The other night, he sat quietly and said:

“When you had nothing, I never looked down on your future. I only saw you. But now, it feels like you’re looking at my struggles more than my heart.”

That sentence broke me, but I’m still so angry. I feel trapped between the gratitude for how he raised me up and the feeling that he “tricked” me into a life of struggle. I’ve even thought about paying him back every cedi he spent on me and giving him all the marriage items we bought just so I can be free.

I am tired. I am confused. Is it “betrayal” that he wasn’t upfront about his age and money, or did I just assume too much? Am I about to throw away a genuinely good man because I’m afraid to build from scratch?

Dating A Narcissist: Lessons From Heartbreak And Abuse

Can a marriage survive when I’ve already started using his past and his secrets against him?

 

—Brenda

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