I have seen it all, and I know the end, so why do I want to try it? I have seen women cheat and observed the consequences for their families. I have seen it break families and harm children even more. So why am I being tempted to follow their lead? I can only say that eating the same thing for too long makes you sick, and that’s when you look for something new.

I met Simon ten years ago. Before we got married, we talked about sex. No, we weren’t doing it. That is because we wanted to wait until marriage and savour the moment. Morally, it was the right thing to do. And we did.

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Just as we talked about the things we wanted to do during those days and nights before our wedding, I looked forward to it with so much enthusiasm. I bought red lingerie; I bought the oil to make our nights sweet and everlasting for both of us.

That night the first disappointment happened when he got on top of me without any caressing. I just laid there while he climbed on top of me. That was not how I imagined it. In the movies, the man took time, took care of all the woman’s clothing and slowly worked his way. Not my husband. A couple of flash seconds later, he was done and panting like he had just run a 400 metre race. He was puffing for air and looked sweaty by the time I looked over at his side of the bed.

He didn’t look defeated as I had hoped. He felt he had done a good job and deserved a pat on the back. I was frustrated but looked calm. “These things happen to many men, I have been told. So don’t let it bother you. We can try another time,” I calmly told myself.

Over the years, I have broached the topic with him. The first time, it was hard. I stood in the mirror practicing for days before I sat him down. He was not enthused about it. “What at all is it that you are not happy about?” I couldn’t answer that question. If I had said what was on my mind he may have wounded his ego so I kept the conversation very professional. “So why don’t you go to the clinic and check up. You know, find out what is happening with you. You may never know,” I told him. He objected. “So, I am too small for you?” I knew that I was not going to win the conversation so I left it there.

We have worked our way into 10 years and two children together.

Truly, it has brought us two children but it has frustrated me.

My co workers have seen me transform from calm and happy to someone who doesn’t know what she is doing because frustration is killing me.

My pastor thinks I am dodging church because the devil wants to steal me, my children think mummy is grumpy too because I am not a morning person. What they do not know is that I am being starved of my conjugal rights.

I have needs that are being unmet and a husband who thinks that the hospital would do no good and solve his issue. What has been most painful is not only the challenge itself, but the lack of care or follow-up afterward. He doesn’t feel remorseful or bad for me. I am often left emotionally and physically unfulfilled, even after years of patience and honest communication.

Now here lies the issue. I am a woman of God. Me and God, we are friends. I value my faith. I am deeply rooted in the word of God that is why I really want to honour my marriage. That is why every day before I leave the house, I anoint myself so I do not allow myself to be tempted by the number of fine men who are walking the streets of Accra.

Ever since my husband refused to do what is needed, I have been tempted to go outside this marriage of mine to satisfy my needs. This church girl has needs, and my husband is not satisfying them. It has pushed me to the point of considering things I never thought I would.

In these ten years of marriage, I have never truly been made love to the way a wife should be. Most nights, I am left to take care of myself, and it is slowly driving me out of my mind.

I know this is a sensitive subject so I do my best to talk about it with patience and care. The last thing I want to do is make him feel bad or spook him. Me constantly broaching the topic to him looks like I am addicted to it and puts me in a different light as if I shouldn’t be. Like a night worker. After that very conversation, I have noticed the way he sees me changes. It is judgemental. He doesn’t say anything, but his silence is worse than his words.

As if I were not human, who should be allowed urges. This one I blame on society, which has failed to teach men that women are human with sexual urges, not just objects.

The temptation I am facing to cheat in this marriage increases by the day, by every second, and I am terrified about the fact that I am considering it and I do not want to be that woman. I do not want to regret it. I don’t want that life where I have to be watching my back over and over again.

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

It is important to me that things pick up in the bedroom, so I sat down and did some research on how to spice things up. Some people suggest using marital aids or personal coping tools as a way to manage unmet needs within marriage. Others strongly advise against it. This has left me confused and conflicted spiritually.

Now I am confused and I need answers to my troubles. Is it wrong to consider personal coping tools within marriage when a spouse refuses help? How does one navigate unmet intimacy needs without compromising faith or values? When does patience become self-neglect, and what is the godly next step?

—Lapaz

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