Solomon and I were together before I got the opportunity to join one of the security services. I was gone for roughly eight months. By the time I returned, a lot had changed between us. I thought we could pick up where we left off but it appeared he moved on while I was away. He didn’t tell me but the signs were written on the wall. I would have to be blind not to have noticed them. Or I must not have known him at all.

He was trying to act normal but his energy was off. I asked him if something was wrong. He said no but everything was not right. When I got tired of trying to get through to him I told him, “It’s obvious you’ve met someone. Just be honest about it so I set you free.”

We spoke at length and brought an amicable end to the relationship. He had moved on. Which means I also had to. It wasn’t easy but what choice did I have? I put myself back out there and connected with a few people online. One of them left quite an impression on me. So I spoke to him the most. Although we had not seen each other yet, we agreed to start a relationship. We started talking in September last year. He assured me he would be in Ghana in December of the same year. However,  he couldn’t make it. He says we should keep our fingers crossed so he makes it this year.

The fact that it’s a long-distance relationship alone is something I am struggling with. It doesn’t help matters that I haven’t met this boyfriend of mine in person yet. If I had seen him and known where he lived, I would have felt a little bit secure in the relationship. But right now he feels like a phantom to me. Sure, I have seen his photos and videos. We have had video calls. I know what he looks like but he still feels a little abstract.

What also became a problem was the poor communication between us. He is always difficult to get hold of. When I complain he tells me he is busy with work. “I am also busy with work but I make time for you because you matter to me. So if I matter to you, you will also make time. I get so lonely when I don’t hear from you so don’t be absent for too long.” He apologized and promised to change but every new day comes to meet our relationship as the old one left it.

Eventually, I got used to his inconsistent communication but it didn’t cure my loneliness. I needed a friend and I found one in my ex, Solomon. He would ask me about my relationship and I would tell him. When I asked about his, he said he was single. We started talking frequently but as friends. It helped me feel better but I was still lonely. So one day I asked if he would be interested in getting intimate with me. After all, he was single and I was lonely. He said, “Why not?” And that is how we began a friends-with-benefits kind of arrangement.

Now, let me clarify that I am not a sexual person. I am not one of those people who are constantly obsessed with having shuperu. I started doing it with Solomon because I was trying to fill an emptiness. And there is the shared history between us. He is the one man I have been with who knows the right places to touch to arouse my interest. That’s another reason I found safety with him.

So we became a thing. Whenever he was in need, he would call me. I would go over to him and satisfy him. When I need it, he gives me what I want. The arrangement was working fine but I felt we could do better. One day while we were together I asked him, “What are we doing?” He asked back, “What do you mean?”

“You are single. I also don’t have anyone. We are friends who enjoy talking to each other. We’ve dated before so we know each other well enough, and now we are having casual sex. It’s been fun so far but to what end? Let’s take things to the next step. We should plan and settle down. What do you think?” He was quiet for a while, thinking. Now, I didn’t just spring this on him. My mum had asked him a similar question a while back. She asked when he was going to make things official.

READ ALSO: My Ex-husband Just Got Married But I’ll Frustrate His Marriage Until He Disappears From The Earth

Anyway, when he opened his mouth to speak he dashed all my hopes. He told me, “Where you are now is above me. I am working in the private sector but you know I don’t earn much. You are in the security service now. Your taste and style of living will change soon, and I won’t be able to afford it. Just as I told your mother, if I marry you now I won’t be able to take care of you. I am sorry.” Well, I couldn’t have forced him so we kept going as we already were – friends with benefits.

Now here is my problem. Solomon doesn’t do it for me when it comes to intimacy anymore. I don’t know if it was because of the conversation we had. Whatever it was, I feel nothing when he touches me. I thought that was all but it got weirder. Whenever Solomon touches me, I would close my eyes and picture the face of my long-distance boyfriend, and then get turned on.

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

When it first happened I was confused. It would have made sense if I was thinking about Solomon while my boyfriend was touching me. That’s because Solo and I have experienced intimacy so memories could slip through the cracks. But how do I explain thinking about someone I have never seen before or spoken to in a sexual way, while being intimate with my ex? And that is what turns me on now? So when I agree to have shuperu with Solo these days, it’s because I want to close my eyes and pretend I am doing it with my boyfriend who lives abroad.

I told Solo what’s been going on. He doesn’t have any answers either. I feel weird that this is happening to me. I have never heard of it or experienced it before. That’s why I am here looking for community. Solo and I agreed to take a break because my heart was no longer in what we were doing. Still, I want to know if what I experienced was normal. Has anyone ever been there before? How did you resolve it? Also, when it comes to this long-distance relationship, do you think I should keep trying to make it work? I have no idea when I am going to see this guy.

—Maame

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