I met him in 2018 through a friend from school. He has an enchanting presence, and a softness about him that called out to me. I am sure everyone who meets him likes him immediately. He must also have seen something peculiar about me to make him attach himself to me as though we were old pals. We kept in touch after our first meeting. The longer I got to know him the more attached he became to me. He is a really sweet person who cares deeply about me. If I tell him that I am not okay, he will do anything to make sure that I am okay.

In 2019 he asked me, “I have fallen in love with you. How do you feel about me?” I liked him but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a relationship. I also didn’t like the flow of our communication. I’ve always wanted a partner I could communicate with, and be myself with. And he wasn’t that person. I always found myself getting tired of talking to him because our conversations did not stimulate me intellectually. It was always about, “How are you?” “Have you eaten?” and “I was just checking up on you.” So I told him, “I like you but it is difficult for me to hold a proper conversation with you. Because of that, let’s just be friends.”

He heard my answer but he did not have any interest in remaining just friends. Once in a while, he would express his feelings for me, and I would tell him that we were better off as friends. After several failed attempts to try and get me to change my mind, I told him, “Maybe the problem is not just you. I am probably partly to blame as well. Why don’t we take some time apart and work on ourselves and see if we can give this a try?” Even with that, he didn’t back down. If anything it added more grease to his elbow. He came on so strong to the point that I had to ask my mum to talk to him on my behalf. Because I didn’t know how else to get him to give me some space.

One other thing that I find difficult to accept is his temperament. He is the type who can stay indoors for a whole month and nobody would know. I can do that too but I’m an ambivert (both an extrovert and introvert). I don’t mind small talk, but I prefer deep conversations. And I’m most happy when I can sit down with someone and talk about whatever is on my mind, no matter how absurd it may sound. But whenever I look at Edwin, I realize we can’t have that. I guess you could describe him as the strong silent type. There was a day he came over to my place, and we just sat down staring at each other for an hour, without uttering a word.

His constant hovering over me has gotten my mother to like him. Sometimes she tells me, “Bibi, this young man loves you very much. I am your mother, I know these things. That’s how I know that he will make you very happy. And nothing will make me happier than seeing you walk down the aisle with him. So why don’t you give him a chance?” I understand where my mother is coming from, but I have also heard that marriages are built on friendship. So how can I be with a man whose presence I find tedious? What if the love wears off? What will we stand on then? I kept wondering if Edwin would come around eventually, and we would be able to sit, talk, laugh our hearts out over idle gossip, or whatever couples laugh about?”

To put my questions to the test I decided to trample on my reservations and just go for it. By then we were not talking as often as we used to. But whenever he called me he reminded me of his feelings for me. So I asked to see him somewhere this year, and he came around. When we were talking I asked him, “Are you still interested in me?” He said, “Of course, why would you even ask that?” “Alright, so will you be my boyfriend?” I proposed. He looked sceptical when he asked, “Are you serious?” And I smiled and nodded. He asked what changed. I replied, “Nothing. I just want to explore what we have between us.” “Well then, my answer is yes.”

We started on a good note but when we had our first shuperu I didn’t like it. You know how when you are having an intimate moment with someone, you feel this bond holding you two together in ecstasy? I didn’t feel that with him. There was absolutely no spark, let alone fireworks. I told him I felt when we were done, and we both promised to do better. To be honest, I tried to make it work but along the line, I ended up growing weary of him. The same problem with our lack of communication was there, and even stronger than before. I could go for a whole day without talking to him, and I saw absolutely nothing wrong with it.

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I have tried to get him to do certain things on my terms sometimes but he doesn’t like getting out of his comfort zone. He moved into his current apartment three years ago and doesn’t want to buy cooking utensils. His reason is that he can’t cook. Meanwhile, he requests that I make him breakfast in bed. He expects me to fry eggs, toast his bread and do everything which involves cooking by using a rice cooker. How am I supposed to even feel comfortable when I go over to his place?

I had to resort to making different dishes at my place and taking it to his place. All this stress could be eliminated if only he is willing to compromise and buy cooking utensils. This has made me laid back and he must have noticed it, because recently I got a text from him. It read; “What was going on between us?” I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t respond. He loves me so much, I know that. But the relationship is not working for me and I am scared that if I tell him I will break his heart and lose the friendship. So I am stuck; unable to leave him, yet unhappy staying with him. I wish I could make a decision that would leave both of us in a better position than we were before we got together. I’m in a dilemma.

—Bibi

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