We met in SHS. He loved me and I loved him too. He couldn’t propose to me and I obviously couldn’t propose to him too. He came to my house often to visit, so much so that my parents got to know him. I on the other hand was not allowed to go out so I couldn’t visit him during the time when we were in school. When we completed, I gathered the courage to ask permission from my parents to go and visit him and to my surprise, they allowed me. I visited his place often until his parents also came to like me. When I didn’t visit for a week and I later went there, they asked why I haven’t been there all that while. We were both happy about our parents’ involvement in our friendship. 

He was sharing a room with his senior brother and I wasn’t allowed to go into their room so each time when I visited, I stayed with him in their hall, watching TV and interacting with other members of his family. I was sharing a room with my elder sister too but he was allowed to come in as far as my sister was there. We were teenagers so we understood the dynamics of things. After SHS I thought he would propose. I made it obvious to him that if he told me he liked me I would say yes. I showed it in the way I talked to him. I showed it in the way I touched him constantly but this guy didn’t propose until we both left for the university. He was at the university of Ghana while I went to the university of cape coast. We never stopped talking. We never stopped keeping in touch with each other. In a day, we could talk thrice before the evening comes.

One night we stayed on the phone for so long though we had nothing meaningful to say. I told him, “A guy in my class has suddenly started showing interest in me. He wants to be everywhere with me. I think in the next couple of days he’s going to propose to me. What should I tell him if he finally proposes?” He asked me, “Do you like him too?” I answered, “I don’t know. I’m not sure about my feelings for him.” He told me, “Then tell him you don’t like him. If he presses you, tell him you already have a boyfriend.” “And who’s that boyfriend?” I asked. He answered, “Am I not your boyfriend? Tell him there’s no space in your life for another boyfriend.”

The topic changed. We talked about us and why we haven’t been in love all this while. I asked him questions and he answered. He asked questions and I also answered. By the time we hung up, we were no longer friends. We were lovers. I didn’t like the fact that he waited until we were no longer close before proposing. I wished we were closer so I could kiss him and explore the new love we’d found. We assured each other that we would do it when we go back home for vacation. 

We went on vacation. We both kept visiting each other but there was no space to explore the love we’d found. When I visited his house, his elder brother and his parents were around so we couldn’t do much. When he visited me, my parents took over the conversation with him until he left so we couldn’t do much. When we met on the outside, it was a public place so we couldn’t hold and touch the way our hearts desired. We always left each other’s presence with unexpressed feelings in our hearts. No, we were not rushing to have sex or do things we were not supposed to do. We were only looking for a world of our own, where we could be us without interference from anywhere. 

That didn’t happen until we both completed university recently. He’s no longer sharing a room with his brother. His elder brother got a job outside Accra and he left. I’m also no longer sharing a room with my sister. She got married recently and packed into her husband’s house. It felt like the stars have finally aligned in our favour and as such, we could have the space to explore the love we’ve built inside of us for each other. Now our parents have taken over our little space for each other and are not allowing us to be who we want to be. 

Anytime I visit him, his mother will meet me at the hall, offer me a seat there and sit next to me. He would come for me and we’ll go inside but every minute, his mother will come and knock on the door asking if we need anything. My boyfriend has a younger brother who can run every errand in the house but once I visit, it’s my boyfriend who’ll run all the errands. Sometimes, he’ll be out for so long on an errand that I’ll just get up and tell his parents that I’m leaving. I’ll call him and tell him I’m needed in the house. He’ll mostly get angry. Angry about what his parents are doing against us. 

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One afternoon, he came to my place. My dad was out and my mom was on her way to mid-week service. He met my mom at the gate with her bag under her armpit going to church. They exchanged greetings and he came in while my mom also left for church. Three minutes later, my mom was back home, asking me to go to the kitchen and cook something for my boyfriend. I asked her, “Why are you back?” She answered, “I’ve changed my mind. I’m no longer going. I’ll join them on TV instead because my headache is not yet gone.” I wondered where she picked the headache from at that moment but I got the import of what she was saying. My boyfriend being there alone with me was giving her a headache so she shunned the church and stayed in the house with us.

We are not kids. We have completed the university for crying out loud. We’ve been good through it all and I think we deserve a break from all these forms of intrusion. Unfortunately for us, we are both going to do our national service while living in the same homes we want to run from. We are not moving out for service. I regret not choosing a far-off place where we could sneak out to visit each other. The only option for us now is to have a conversation with our parents. Do you think it will send the wrong signal if I ask them to leave us alone? As in, I sit them down and ask them to trust me with some form of privacy. Everything aside, we are a couple who need to plan for the future but we can’t do any of that because our parents are always in our spaces. 

What else can we do to get them to trust us? I’m ready to have a conversation with my parents. I want to tell them we are old enough to know what’s good and bad for us. We’ll make better decisions when we are given the space to operate but the way things are going, if we don’t take care, we’ll one day marry and start making the mistakes we should have made while dating. How do I communicate my concern to them without sending out the wrong signal? 

Thank you 

—Edna

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