I have been married to my husband for the past eight years. We have two amazing daughters together. And I have been trying everything possible to make my marriage work for the sake of my girls, but right now I am tired. My husband and I argue all the time. Sometimes the arguments get so heated that I tell him, “I am so tired of this marriage. I wish I was single.” And instead of taking me seriously, he tells me; “You are a grown woman, so act like it and stop being immature.” I admit, there’s quite a remarkable age gap between us. I am twenty-seven, and he’s thirty-six. Due to this, he refers to all my concerns in the marriage as immaturity. It doesn’t matter what I complain about, he would say I am being immature, or that I am exaggerating.
What I don’t understand is why he got married to me if he thought I was immature. When he proposed that we get married, he was in a financial bind. This resulted from a loan he took for his mother. It was meant for a business but things didn’t work out so the debt became his to pay. I knew this about him but it didn’t bother me. I loved him so I was determined to stand by him through his challenges. After our marriage, eighty per cent of the responsibilities fell on my shoulders. I took care of everything; food, bills, clothes, and housekeeping.
By the time we started having kids my husband was still knee-deep in debts, so I bore the responsibility of taking care of them too. Up until now, we are both government workers but I earn more than him so I am still in charge of eighty per cent of our expenses. He just gives me a small amount of money at the end of every month, and I handle the rest. And sincerely, I am not complaining, and I have never complained. This is something I do joyfully because I believe that if I support him with my all, he will someday make it.
My problem with him, however, is that he does not assist me with house chores. He closes from work before I do but he would rather spend time on his phone than feed our kids before I get home. When I complain he would tell me, “Is it because you earn more money than I do that you want to turn me into a house boy?” I don’t understand him. What is wrong with assisting your partner take care of your kids? How does that turn one into a house help? When I ask him these questions he tells me I am being disrespectful, or that I am insolent.
On days he doesn’t go to work he would spend the entire day with his friends, while I would go to work and return to meet the house unkept and the children hungry. No matter how many times I address the issue, he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. As if that’s not enough, he denies me shuperu. I keep myself clean and in shape so it isn’t that I am not physically attractive. Sometimes people don’t even believe me when I tell them that I am married with two kids. That’s how well I keep myself, yet I have to beg my husband to touch me. He would rather watch adult films and pleasure himself than make love to me, his beautiful wife.
READ ALSO: My Wife Is The Reason Why I’m Cheating In This Marriage
I love this man very much but I am tired of his behaviour. Most importantly, I am tired of the way he dismisses me when I try to address our issues. All he says is, “There is nothing wrong with our marriage, so stop being dramatic.” I would have involved our pastors but now he has stopped going to church. Whenever I try to encourage him to go to church with us he would get angry, “Stop trying to boss me around. I will go to church if I want to. After all, it’s between me and God.” And then we end up quarrelling. Sometimes when he is doing all this I look at him and think, “You cannot even boast of GHC1000 in your account, yet you won’t humble yourself and serve God properly. How can you be blessed?”
I am truly not happy with the way my marriage is but how can I change things? I don’t want my daughters to grow up thinking that it’s okay for a woman to toil all day in the boardroom, and then come home to single-handedly take care of the home and make sure that everyone is okay before attending to her own needs. I want my daughters to grow up in a home where marriage is all about partnership. No unnecessary ego, or toxic masculinity getting in the way. Am I being too much of a feminist for wanting this kind of marriage?
Is my husband right by implying that I am exaggerating our problems? I am also wondering if I am being disrespectful when I ask him to assist me with house chores. Because I am thinking that if all these concerns make me immature then this marriage thing is not for me. If all my efforts to get him to see reason fail, then I might file for a divorce so I can enjoy singlehood.
—Pat
Do you have any relationship experience to share? Please email it to [email protected]
NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG
#SB
marriage is having a companion not having a slave and at least when it comes with things of his own daughter i.e feeding taking care of them should not be his headache …Please for my opinion helping you out with some house chores sometimes is not bad
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a husband helping out with house chores. Responsible men prioritize the mental health and the general well being of Their family, and that include doing domestic work to lessen the burden at home. His ego is getting the best part of him. It’s unfortunate he is allowing himself to be thought.
Some want supportive wives like you, but ain’t getting it, others have it and are failing to appreciate her.
The only time your husband will appreciate you will be after you are long gone. It will be too late. I hope he realizes it before it happens.
27 years is too young to be dealing with problems of that kind.
Your concerns are valid, and you still have a shot at life.
Decide if that’s the kind of life you want; and if not, leave without looking back.
As someone who got into a similar situation, the only advice I can give you is leave. If you really love him and want to maintain your sanity, leave now with some shred of dignity and respect.
My marriage is going in 15 years now and I have four kids, but I’ve never thought of a time when i was not incredibly unhappy. Like you, I married a man I loved, knowing he could take care of responsibilities. I was happy to because I felt God blessed me for a reason. And then just like your husband he wouldn’t do anything in the home. In my own case he was only good in the other room. He would give it to me anytime and anyhow I want, and somehow he convinced himself that that was enough. A father and a husband, and your only contribution to your home is servicing your wife. The kids started growing up and I realized how dysfunctional the whole relationship was. I tried to get him to help more with chores and kids care and he would always turn it against me and insist that he’s a man and cannot do chores, and that I was trying to belittle him because God blessed me with finances.
After 10 years I started fighting back. God did not just bless me, I worked hard. I set a plan and worked hard to achieve it. I invested, I saved, I worked towards goals and lived responsibly. He was clueless, lazy, lived off a minimum wage job and spent the little he has on alcohol.
I started emphasizing to him that by paying the bills I was doing his own responsibility so if he won’t help me with chores I will stop paying the bills. He fought back and our home became a war zone. I treated him with disrespect, refused to pay bills, pushed him to take loans. He grew resentful and bitter and stated cooking up lies against me and my family to get back at me. But I knew deep down his grouse with me was that I was no longer providing for him. It didn’t end there!
He had an affair and I did too. Infact we became strangers living under one roof.
Finally I took my kids and left. He came back to beg but I refused. I insisted he would call all his family members to intervene and after he saw I was determined, he called them. His family went to see mine and I told them everything I had been going through. Even his y members faulted him. Told him to step up and be a man. This was 14 years into the marriage ooh. Our oldest was 13, and yet this man was being thought how to be a man. And that’s because I enabled him for too long.
I agreed to come back to the marriage on the condition that he would pay 50percent of the bills for a year; and after that he will pay all the bills while I focus on feeding kids clothing. Based on that I came back. It’s been 6 months now. He brings the 50% but he struggles to do that. He drives uber all night and works weekend. He is not used to improving his skills so he’s clueless how to grow any kind of income. He is bitter and depressed. He can’t even afford his alcohol again. Meanwhile on the other hand I’m doing fine. For the first time since I got married I went on vacation. I now have free money to spend on my skincare, makeup, I even registered in a gym. Watching me transform while he becomes wrinkled and over worked is another issues we are having now. He is careful because he now knows I can leave, but I see him transfer the greasing to my kids and it breaks my heart.
I keep asking myself, how long do I’ll this continue? My only hope now is that he gives up and leaves by himself so that I can build my life again without him.
I told you all this because our situations are very similar. I’m not saying the same will happen to you, but trust me you don’t even want to come close to that situation. If you can leave, leave now with your sanity intact!