I am not one to share my relationship problems with others, especially on social media, but my partner is driving me insane. I have done everything possible to earn his trust but he is too hung up on his past experiences to let himself trust me. When we first met he told me, “My last relationship left me broken-hearted because of how things ended. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me out of nowhere. I was very hurt and could not continue the relationship.” Honestly, I should have seen this as a red flag but I was too blinded by my love for him.

When he told me about his past, I didn’t know he was carting it around like a trophy, as a reminder not to trust women again. I never thought it would pop up in our relationship, let alone create huge problems for me. The level of my boyfriend’s trust issues sometimes gives me headaches. He is always quick to accuse me of cheating on him. Because of this, I tell him almost everything I do. Even when I am going to the washroom, I have to let him know. Sometimes he would ask, “What are you going to do in the washroom?” And I respond with specifics, “I am going to take my bath,” “I am going to urinate,” or “I am going to poop.” At first, I was uncomfortable sharing these kinds of details with him but now I am used to it. It doesn’t bother me anymore.

If I give this guy a run down of my day and I leave a little detail out, and he finds out on his own later, it turns into a messy fight. He would heap accusations upon accusations upon me. “Why did you leave this part out? What else are you hiding from me? Is there someone else? Are you planning to cheat on me?” That is how the fight usually starts. I never thought I would find myself in a relationship where I have to account for everything I do with my time, but here I am. The sad part is that he is not ready to admit that his behaviour is not healthy. When I try to talk about anything he does, he acts victimized. I recognize this as emotional manipulation. And I point it out to him sometimes, but he tells me it’s not true. Is it possible for someone to be emotionally manipulative without knowing it?

Most of the time I find the relationship very exhausting. One may ask why I stayed with him after all this. It’s simple, I love him. And also, he is caring and generous. Even if what he has is very little, he would share it with me. I remember how he helped me pay my school fees when I was in my third and fourth years at the university. It was at a time when I was struggling, so his help was my saving grace. It is the one thing I hold on to when he gets on my nerves. And he gets on my nerves a lot of times. Because of him, I cut contact with all my male friends. I thought that would be enough to alleviate his insecurities but he still had problems with my female friends. So I cut most of them off too. I am left with only two friends now.

Even with those two female friends, my partner still feels insecure so I am mostly alone. He has succeeded in isolating me from everyone in my life. I didn’t even know what was happening until one day I woke up and realized that I was making decisions out of fear. Yes, out of fear that my boyfriend would get angry at me if I did something that didn’t favour him. Out of fear that he would misunderstand whatever I am doing and say that I am cheating on him. I don’t know a lot of things but I know that love and fear cannot coexist. I also know that no one is perfect but the emotional turmoil he puts me through is too much. 

READ ALSO: I Love My Wife But I Also Love My Ex-Girlfriend, How Will My Marriage Work?

I am currently very sick. I went to the hospital and got injections and an IV infusion but I didn’t get better. I also didn’t have enough money to try another hospital so I reached out to one of my work colleagues who deals in herbal medicine. I explained my situation to him and asked, “Can you get me some herbs? I will be grateful for your help. Because I don’t have enough money to spend on another set of hospital medications.” My boyfriend called while I was talking to my colleague so he was on call waiting. I called him back as soon as the other call ended and he asked, “Who were you talking to?” “I was talking to a work colleague. I want him to give me some herbs to try out.” I replied.

Come and see this man throwing tantrums, “You are very ungrateful. After everything I have done for you, you are not satisfied. Just this once that I am broke, you are cheating on me in exchange for herbs.” At that moment, I was finally fed up. I told him off and asked him not to contact me again. How can he be so insensitive? I am sick and someone is trying to help me but his first instinct was to accuse me of cheating on him. There have been so many instances like this but this one went too far. I have put up with his attitude for three years but now I am tired. I have reached my breaking point. I don’t think I can take it anymore, even though I love him. I know when he calms down he will come and apologize, and he will do everything possible to get me to forgive him. My question is, how do I keep him away for good? How do I resist his emotional manipulations?

—Gladys

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