I’m a staunch believer in the gospel. I go down on my knees and miracles happen. I could boldly say that there was nothing I prayed for that I didn’t get. Once I had a boyfriend who had a heart condition. He wasn’t even in the country but I prayed for him for a couple of weeks and his heart became whole again. God listened to me like that but that relationship with that guy didn’t work due to one or two reasons. 

The next guy I met wasn’t doing well financially. I was the one working and helping him out. Somehow, he allowed his insecurities to take the best of him. He started seeing things that were not there. We fought. We argued. Our relationship went from beautiful to toxic in no time. It wasn’t worth the time and the effort we were both investing in so one day I told him, “This relationship is not working. I am not happy and I can tell you are also not happy. Why don’t we just part ways before things get messier?” 

That was the end of us.

 Another man came along not too long afterwards. He was different. He was much older than me but I enjoyed my interaction with him. I gave him my number but I didn’t hear from him until a few weeks later. When he called, he started talking about marriage. This man didn’t want to date. He just wanted us to get married. I felt pressured but I was also done with the drama that came with dating younger men. From the things he told me about himself, I deduced that he had been through a lot. This added to his maturity and my admiration for him. The only thing I didn’t like about him was his ego. He has an ego larger than the world. He had symptoms of selfishness too but I remembered I’m the girl who God listened to. I got on my knees and broken hearts were made whole again so I thought to myself, “I don’t need to worry. I’ll pray it away once we are married.”  

One month into the marriage my husband started showing me his true colours. I thought he had just two colours—ego and selfishness but it turned out that he has more than that. 

He wouldn’t talk to me. He would just come from work, eat and sleep. At night, he would snore as though he sleeps alone. Nothing happens in our bed. He doesn’t even look at me. If I ever appeared on a TV, I think he would have switched it off. He treats me like an ugly thing he shouldn’t waste his sight on and the sad thing is, I felt exactly how he wanted me to feel—ugly. 

I would sit in front of my mirror and cry my eyes out. I would do everything to get him to notice me but nothing worked. At a point, I started sleeping naked. I thought that would help matters but one day he told me, “Stop sleeping naked. You make me uncomfortable.” I felt really bad—bad about my own body so I never slept that way again. 

I’m the girl who prays and God listens so I took it in prayers. I prayed about all of our problems but nothing happened. Whenever I go down on my knees and pray for him I see a blank wall. No matter how many times I fast, or how chaste I become, my prayers about him never get answers. “Or this man is cursed?” I began to wonder. Even when I feel the presence of God when I am praying, nothing gets answered.

 I got pregnant along the line. I thought the pregnancy would make him love me a little bit but instead, things got worse. He did his best to avoid me. If we slept and my skin touched him, he pulled away quickly as if I was some sort of infection. Throughout the pregnancy, we did shuperu only once. “If the pregnancy didn’t change him then the face of our baby will thaw his heart,” I thought. The baby arrived but couldn’t change anything. I begged him to talk to me. I implored him to look at me once. “For the sake of our baby, just treat me right once in a while.” He didn’t change anything. I prayed about him. I fasted. Nothing changed in the end. It’s been three years since we got intimate. 

As if I wasn’t suffering enough, we started having financial problems. Sometimes my husband would wake up at dawn and summon me and my mum. He would tell my mum that he wants me to pack my things out of his house and give him back everything he ever gave me. I told myself, “He is behaving like this because of his financial woes.” I never left. I live with him but like a slave. I am constantly walking on eggshells because the master is unpredictable. I don’t want to upset him. 

And then he hit me one day. What did I do? 

In an attempt to form some sort of friendship with him I laughed and hit him playfully. He got angry and hit back. His wasn’t playful. He meant to cause me pain. Then he said, “Never in your life touch me again. The next time you try I’ll beat you mercilessly.” We don’t talk, we don’t touch, and we definitely don’t play. Due to his financial constraints, I am the one taking care of the home. Everything I earn goes into paying bills. I am always borrowing from people. At a point, things were so hard that I had to contact my ex for help. He wanted his pound of flesh before he could help me. I gave in so he could help me. My husband knows I don’t earn enough but he doesn’t care how I manage to take care of everything. 

I go around looking for a job for him. I wake up at 4am moving from one place to the other, trying to talk to some big men to give him a contract. What hurts me the most is that the person I am going through this trouble for doesn’t even talk to me. The only thing we exchange in this marriage is food. I give, he takes. There are times I feel suicidal when I think about what my life has turned into. 

I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life, but I haven’t gotten the courage to walk away from him. I’m now dead to any feelings of affection and happiness. In fact, I don’t remember how it feels like to have a companion. I comfort myself with this man who gives me money and companionship as and when he can. I know it’s a dangerous path I’m trailing because we are both married. But I need the attention I get from him to keep myself sane. Everybody needs someone. The one I have doesn’t care about me so I had to find solace in someone else, even if that someone else has someone else, it doesn’t matter to my heart. 

There’s this old man who showed interest in me some time ago. I told him, “I’m a married woman. You don’t expect me to have a relationship with you, right?” That didn’t push him away. He kept pestering me. As I’m writing this, my phone’s screen is spoilt. It’s hard to use it but I am not able to replace the screen or get a new phone. So I gave the old man a call; “I thought about what you told me some days ago. I will date you on one condition. You’ll buy me a new phone very soon.

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The following day I was with him in his car. He was taking me away to wherever he could have fun with me but my conscience didn’t stop picking on me; “Is that what you’ve been reduced to? Trading your dignity just for a phone? How low can you go next time?” I couldn’t take it. I told the old man to stop. I told him I couldn’t do it.  He stopped and I walked away.

 I still haven’t forgiven myself for that blunder I almost committed. A part of me is angry at my husband for reducing me to someone I can’t recognize. I am very angry because I can’t even pray anymore. When I was single, I could never conceive the idea of sleeping or dating a man for financial gains but here I am, married and still pursuing sins of the flesh. I sometimes feel the devil planted him in my life to block my blessings. 

Maybe one day I’ll gather the courage and leave. Maybe that courage would never come so I’ll stay. I don’t even know what lies on the outside for me if I leave. Will I find another man who will love and care for me? Or it would be business as usual? I’ll find another man who will treat me worse than I’ve already been treated. I don’t know if I would have the strength for another round of marital troubles. I’m here, waiting for what tomorrow may bring. 

–Lilith

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