When I open my eyes in the morning, a wave of sadness quickly envelopes me. I wake up with the painful realization that the only woman I have truly loved left me because of an innocent mistake I made. I can’t even blame her or call her a bad person for choosing herself over my perversions. This is my story.
I was molested by a male guardian when I was about eight years old. It happened about three times. Each time, I was quiet. He didn’t threaten me into silence. No, that was not why I couldn’t tell anyone. I just happened to have a father who was highly critical of everything I did. He was always ready to call me all sorts of names if I did something wrong. This made me extremely quiet, shy, and timid.
I was sure my perfectionistic dad would blame me for what that man did. I never matched his expectations so I grew up into this fearful boy who always preferred the shadows. Never wanting to be seen or heard. Always content with being invisible. I believe that was what my abuser counted on, my fearfulness.
After that awful ordeal with my male guardian, I found myself drawn to the company of men. I liked it when they gave me compliments and I enjoyed being around them. For me, it wasn’t a thing of attraction. It had to do with familiarity. My first exposure to sex was with an older man who showed me kindness, painfully penetrated me, and then said he loved me. I was eight. What was loving about me at that tender age?
What he did was wrong but it was what I knew. When I got to the university I met another older. He is almost twice my age. I don’t know what he saw in me that made him get close to me. I don’t know what he saw when he got close that told him I would be okay receiving compliments about my looks from another man but it happened. I liked it when he complimented my looks.
This man was my lecturer so he wasn’t someone I could easily avoid. After a while, he took me to the beach. I enjoyed the time we spent together there. So when he took me to his room and started making advances toward me, I went with it. This time around, I was not a child. I was twenty-two. He did not force himself on me. Everything that happened was consensual.
He was married, but we kept an on-and-off relationship on the side. We kept going until I broke things off because I couldn’t live with the guilt that consumed my soul after every sexual encounter with him.
After him, I hopped on certain apps that allowed me to meet men. I would go on the app, find people near me and we would meet up for shuperu. I did that. I slept with men on and off camp until I graduated.
I thought that was going to be life until I started my national service. It was then I met Beth. She is the exact opposite of me. She is extroverted. She never ran out of things to talk about. Unlike me, a wallflower, Beth is always the life of the party.
She saw me when others dismissed me. She gave me a chance when I didn’t know I could ever be with a girl. She was the first person I ever talked to about what my uncle did. The first person I opened up to about the experiences I had had with other guys in the University.
When I met her, the feeling was different. It was genuine and pure. It wasn’t filthy or wild or weird like my experiences with men. She helped me to find a therapist, and in the next few months, I went for sessions and saw the reasons I was acting out.
It was more than the abuse I experienced as a child. It was also a form of rebellion toward my dad who had been extremely hard on me. I thought I would marry my Beth. She was like a savior to me, a real angel. I miss her so dearly, but how can I justify what I did to us? How can anyone not blame me for rekindling a passion I was trying to bury?
I know it was my fault. I opened the door the moment I allowed an old flame to creep back into my life. We were just chatting. He expressed an interest in meeting me, so we could do things.
He told me all the things he thought I needed to hear. I listened but I told him I was no longer into that lifestyle. To stir up my interest, he sent me some adult videos with men in them. I should have deleted them immediately but I didn’t. Rather, I chose to ignore them. It was an innocent mistake because I had no intention of getting back into that life.
Call Your Ex And Ask Why It Didn’t Work Out Between You Two
Unfortunately, Beth went into my gallery and found the videos. She was so hurt that she didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. She said a lot of things to me when she chose to end things but one sentence stuck with me. “You are broken beyond repair.” That’s what she said.
It has been four months since she left me, but I am still as broken as the day she called me broken. I still wake up with a big wave of sadness in my heart. I try to numb my pain by hopping on to my apps looking for the next available guy. Maybe this loveless life of mine is the punishment I deserve for coming into this world.
—Frank
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Dear Frank you are not broken beyond repair. You are repairable. You don’t need to seek validation from any app or any one. Go back to therapy ,cut of any link you have with people from your past. What you need is love.True love can be found in God. Cheer up you are loved by God. You are not a failure. You need to sit down and have a closure with your dad inorder to move on. If you need a friend remember that I am here. Don’t forget to pray when ever you have the urge to go back. Remember this don’t accept negativity into your life but rather make way for positivity. Don’t make up your mind to embark on a journey of destruction. But rather be transformed by the renewal of your mind as our Apostle Paul said in the bible. Good luck. More love and good things awaits you.
Chale, we are all broken; we don’t stay broken. The good thing is you know how broken you are. Pls start the repair work now wai. It never too late or too broken. Else you will keep bleeding on good people which you will eventually lose them.
God be with you!!
Chale, we are all broken. But the good thing is that you know how broken you’re. Pls start the repair work. It’s never too broken neither are you beyond repairs. Just start else you will bleed on good people; people you will eventually lose.
God be with you!!
Just as you opened up to Beth, opening up to us is a giant step to healing. It may be even more enduring because this time your salvation is not structured on a single individual. Each of us have one weakness or the other that we are nor proud of. The important thing is that we work steadily and consciously away from it and resolve it. Beth has shown you the way. Make her proud!
Jesus loves you, open your eyes and you will see genuine people who love you just as God loves you and created you in His perfect image and likeness.
Frank I just read your story this morning. I don’t know if my comment is coming to late but I told myself better late than never. Please don’t give up on your self now. Start by removing the source of your temptation: the app. Then cut all contacts with those in that lifestyle. Remember you are not broken or damaged beyond repair for Jehovah. Pray intensely to Jehovah. Supplicate him your self. You alone understand your pain and the extent of your pain. Pray yourself to him. When ever the desire to call some of your male partners , give your self some few minutes and pray directly to him. He is ever ready to hear you. Please visit this Web site jw.org when you get there search for BIBLE CHANGES LIFE and learn about experiences of other men who battled with your dilemma and how they overcame it with the help of Jehovah. Please feel free to call this number for any clarification 0536447115.Akosua Ntow
You’re not broken beyond repair. If Beth was always right about a lot of things, then I’m sorry to say that she was wrong about this one! You’re exactly what God is looking for. Some trauma that happens to us forms platforms for the enemy to sabotage our lives. Before it was just an opening, very small but suddenly something demonic that sucks is in. You need therapy indeed but you need God more than ever. I urge you to take that spiritual step too. Get yourself a pastor or a shepherd to help you build your knowledge in God. We do get lost sometimes when we don’t know who we truly are especially who we are in God. So find yourself and save yourself. I’m Nana Afia Wusuaah on Fb. Please reach out to me anytime you are in need of spiritual support. I can help you with the basics. Please keep safe and remember that you’re so precious to God!