If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.
And you can’t break a marriage you have to fix so I was very careful when it came to the problem at hand. I had to choose between breaking my marriage down or fixing what was already broken. Fixing it looked difficult because hearts were involved. Egos were at play. Breaking it sounded ideal but I had to get to the bottom of the issue first.
The first person I had a discussion with was her own sister—her elder sister. The two of them are very close and among her siblings, she is the one I’m very cool with. She calls me, “My small husband” and I call her, “My big wife.” She had been married for years before we got married. Apart from the fact that I was comfortable with her, I also thought she could use her marital experience to judge the situation. I met her outside of her house. I told her, “Just imagine this. One day you read a message on your husband’s phone. He’s telling his ex that he regrets marrying you and he wishes that things turned out differently between himself and the ex. Just imagine this and tell me how you’ll feel.”
She was quiet for a moment. She said, “Don’t tell me she did that to you.” I nodded my head. “That’s exactly what she did. I opened the conversation to her and she read it by herself. She screamed, “What has gotten into that girl’s head? Is she smoking?” I answered, “I wish. I will always choose a smoking wife over the one who disgraces me in front of her ex-boyfriend.” And then she turned her attention to me; “Have you fought recently?” I said no. “Have you been saying no to her in bed?” I answered, “She even complains that it’s too much for her.” “Or you don’t give her what she needs?” I asked, “Like what? I know my roles in the marriage. She knows hers. We both play our roles and go to bed with smiling hearts. If there’s anything else I have to do, then I don’t know.”
After everything, she asked me, “So when you spoke to her about the messages what did she say?”
I hadn’t spoken to her about it and I explained why I hadn’t. “I’ve been angry ever since I saw the messages. If I decide to tackle it in my state of anger, I will spoil everything. I needed to calm down first before anything else. I’ve tried. There’s no calm in my heart since the day I saw the messages.” She picked up her phone and started looking for her number. I stopped her. “It’s already late. Let’s do it tomorrow. You can come to the house so we talk about it. I need you to be there. I can’t act stupidly knowing you’re around. Again, you’ll be our witness.”
The following morning she was there. She called her sister and the first question was, “When was the last time you met George ever since you got married?” She looked at my face, looking surprised and lost at the same time. She asked me, ‘Akot, is anything the matter?” I told her, “I’m not the one who asked you the question so you can’t ask me a question. Talk to your sister.” She started acting up; “No, I have to understand what’s going on here. My sister is here and you’re here. All of a sudden she’s asking questions. I need to know why.” Her sister chipped in, “You’ve been running to see George. Your husband knows about it. It’s the reason why I’m here. Deny it.”
Again, she looked at me; “Akoto, you told my sister all that? When was the last time I even mentioned his name in this house? So why are you lying?” I opened the messages on the laptop and gave it to her. “Read this. This is where all the problems are coming from.” I don’t think she even read a line of it. Immediately she realized it was her own messages she was reading, she turned to look at me.” It was her sister who spoke, “Now explain what is happening to us. You still see him, right? We all saw that boy when he was coming around. You dated him longer than your husband, what did he do for you, or what has he been doing for you that makes you regret your marriage. We are here. Tell us.” She buried her face in her palm. She said, “Ohh I now get it. Is that the reason why you’ve been acting weird around here lately?”
According to her, she had never set her eyes on him since we got married. She had blocked his number so he couldn’t call her. He couldn’t chat with her on WhatsApp because she blocked him there too. The day before they chatted on Facebook, he had already sent her a message pleading with her to unblock him because he had something to tell her. “I unblocked him and he called. He told me his mother had died and was going through difficult times. I knew his mother. She was so much to me when I was seeing him. So that day when we chatted, I was only trying to say things that would make him happy. I thought he was going through a lot and needs to hear something to make him smile. I wasn’t serious about it and he himself knows I was joking. I’m sorry if you took it differently.”
Her sister asked: “So you’re happy in your marriage?”
“Yes, I am. We’ve never fought, He hadn’t denied me comfort so why would I not be happy?”
She turned to me, “But Akoto, you should have talked to me about it when you saw it? I would have apologized to you and do everything to prove that I was only saying something to make him happy.” She went down on her knees but I wasn’t convinced. The death of an ex’s mother has nothing to do with happiness in your marriage. You could say sorry or send a condolence. You don’t plunge into territories where it would push you to say things of that nature. Her sister asked if I was ok. I told her, “There’s so much to think about. I will think about what next to do.”
She expected everything to return to normalcy after the discussion but I wasn’t moved. My conviction was rooted in the quote, “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. I know my wife. She wouldn’t speak what she doesn’t mean. Maybe there were loopholes I didn’t see. Maybe, she indeed had some regrets but rather chose the wrong channel to address it. When we talked about it each day I told her she was lying. She crossed her heart and said she had told me nothing but the truth; “I’m sorry I said what I said. I get embarrassed each time it comes to my mind. What would drive me to say such a despicable thing about a man who had been my everything? I’m sorry. I can say sorry a thousand times because I really am. Just forgive. If you won’t, would you rather throw everything away?”
READ ALSO: When Your Sister Gives You The Deepest Wound Of Your Life
One early morning, we heard a knock on our door. It was her parents. They didn’t take anything we offered them, not even water. The father was first to speak, “My son, I’m a man like you. In my younger days, I would throw my wife out for less but you have been patient and I’m grateful for that. She has told us everything and how sorry she is. That’s why we are here. Asiw, look unto our face and forgive. It’s hard. It’s hard to believe her explanation but try hard.” Her mother chipped in, “That Gorge, I called him yesterday. I warned him to stay away from my daughter. He can’t use his evil ways to destroy what she has now. I believe he won’t come close again but I will leave it to you to make things work. If it happens again, you won’t talk. I will personally come here and drive her away.”
So we drew the curtains down on the issue. We made a pact to communicate our feelings and also ask questions if there’s something we don’t understand. I forgave her. I took everything out of my heart so a genuine reconciliation can begin. We have kids. They need a conducive environment to grow. Our bitterness towards each other can seep through their growth and poison their upbringing. We accepted to build what’s broken. We’ve been building since. It’s been well. She has started laughing again. I’ve started being the guy I used to be before the issue. We can only get better, looking at how open we are to each other now.
–Akoto
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My brother u have a heart of a lion.. you are more than brave my guy… seriously 95% of todays men would have file for a divorce on this issue immediately…but u never gave up… The brotherhood is really proud of u… God bless your marriage ok.. bless u