We grew up together, Kate and I. We lived in the same area but we didn’t find each other until we got to senior high school. At the dining hall one morning, I heard her talking to her classmate. She was talking about where she lives and where she attended school. I heard Dansoman. The school she was talking about was close to where I lived in Dansoman. So I asked her, “You come from Dansoman?” She said, “Yeah, that’s where I live.” I told her, “Then we live close to each other.” We became friends that day. We were not in the same class but we did everything together. When we were on break and she was still in class, I will wait outside for her. She would come from class and I would ask her, “What are we eating this morning?”
Kate was the life of the party. She still is. We would walk into a room and everyone would notice her. You will ask a question and she would be the first to raise up her hands. She knew a lot of things I didn’t know about. I learned from her. I will ask questions and she will answer. When we were walking together around campus, she would be the one the guys will hiss at. She would stop and talk to whoever hissed at her. Because of her, we were always late to wherever we were going. Guys didn’t stop calling her and because of the respect she had for them, she stopped to talk to anyone who stopped her.
No, I wasn’t jealous. I understood why they called her instead of me. If I were those guys, I wouldn’t call me. I would call Kate. Because Kate was the real deal. The life of the party. The one with all the beauty any guy would admire.
The next time a guy hissed at her while I was with her was when we were at the university. Later, that guy became her boyfriend. They dated for a year. The guy completed school and the relationship ended. Her next relationship happened right before my eyes. The guy wasn’t good to her but she never stopped loving him. She would come to me crying and I will say something like, “Leave him. He’s not worth your tears. Have you forgotten who you are? Don’t settle for someone like him. You deserve better than that.” She will laugh at me and say, “You don’t have a boyfriend but you give the best of relationship advice. Get yourself a boyfriend and apply all the things you know and let’s see if it would work.”
She will go back to her boyfriend and make me feel stupid but I didn’t stop advising her. When she finally left the boy, she told me, “I should have listened to you right from the start. I was such a fool for believing he would change.” So from there, she started taking my advice seriously. The girl who didn’t have a boy can also have a career in the relationship industry. When next a guy proposed to her, she came to ask me, “You think she would be a good guy?” She showed me the photo of the guy and I didn’t like the way he was smiling so I told her, “No, this one wouldn’t be good for you. I can see from his face. Don’t say yes to him.” She went to the guy and said no to him. Actually, I didn’t see anything wrong with the guy. I saw everything wrong with the haste with which she was entering into another relationship. I was happy she listened to me. From there she listened to me a lot.
We completed school and did our national service too in the same region. It was intentional. We even wanted to do it in the same institution but it didn’t happen. They placed us in different institutions but we found a way to stay connected and not lose a day without talking to each other. Again, Kate found love in one of the guys who frequented her office. She said, “He’s an engineer. The cutest engineer I’ve ever seen. I think I will give him a chance. He sounds serious about me.” I didn’t say a lot. Her mind was already made up so I gave wind to her sails. She went all out in love. Just like she had always loved whenever someone came her way.
Two years later she called me. She was whispering on the phone. “Guess what just happened…We are getting married. I and Emmanuel.” I whispered back, “He proposed marriage?” She broke her whispering voice and screamed out, “He only said we should get married. I don’t know if that also qualifies as a proposal. He didn’t go on a knee though.” I respond, “All proposals be proposals. The end results are what matters.”
From there we started talking about weddings whenever we met. We would go online, watch wedding photos, and pick ideas. We even went on youtube to watch white weddings to pick ideas from them. They fixed a date, selected people who were going to play a part in the wedding, and guess who was selected as the maid of honor. Great! You guessed right. I am the maid of honor and also the assistant wedding planner.
Every weekend we would meet and plan. Each evening after work, we’ll spend hours on the phone talking about the wedding. One Saturday evening, I was expecting her call but the call didn’t come through so I called her. She didn’t pick. Sunday morning when I woke up, I texted her. She read the message and didn’t respond. I called again, she didn’t pick up. I started getting worried. “We are only a month away from the wedding. Why is she behaving like that towards me?” My mind started racing, thinking about all the bad things that could make her act like that towards me. “Or she had changed her mind about me being her maid of honor?”
I spent all Sunday calling her but she didn’t respond to my calls.
Early Monday morning she called me. “Olivia, can you put your keys somewhere I would see when I come around? I need a place to hide.” I know Kate. I know her too well she could put up the best pretense in the world and I would still figure out there’s something wrong with her. “Kate, is everything alright? I’ve been calling you.” She answered, “Leave the keys for me. When you return from work, we’ll talk.”
She was choking on her own tears. Her voice sounded cranky. Like she had been crying all night. I kept asking what the issue was and she kept telling me we could talk after I had returned from work. I called the office and put up a performance on the phone. As if I was dying. As if I had been sick for years. I told my supervisor lies about being sick all dawn. She bought it and gave me the day off. I waited in the house until Kate arrived. Immediately she saw me she burst out crying. Her first sentence cut through my heart like a knife;
“He’s cheating. Emma is cheating. The girls are SHS students. They are even friends. He’s secretly sleeping with each of them. One of them has found out and they were fighting it out on WhatsApp. I listened to the voice messages. Those girls hardly write text. They record voice notes. I listened to each one of the voice notes. I was breaking down but I didn’t stop. He was sleeping. I was in the hall watching a movie when a call got my attention. It was a WhatsApp call from one of the girls. Olivia, you should have heard their voices. I don’t think they are even 16 years. They would be less than that but Emma finds them old enough to date them both behind each other’s back.”
I was stunned. For the first time, I didn’t know what to say. I sat still in the chair while watching the world of my childhood friend come down. I asked her, “So what are we going to do?”
“Olivia, I don’t know. You’re the only person I’ve opened up to apart from him. We had a fight about it. He denied the voice notes were meant for him but I listened carefully. The girl was so angry she mentioned his name in every statement but Emma thinks I’m a fool. He doesn’t want to accept it. He doesn’t want to take the blame. He still thinks I’m getting it all wrong.”
She asked me what we should do and I went straight to the point; “Don’t go ahead with the wedding. A man like him would do worse. If I were you, this would be the end of the road for us. He’s still lying. It means he has no regret. Leave him. Stop the wedding. It may be embarrassing to call off the wedding but be embarrassed today so you can live the rest of your life without regrets.”
She kept running her fingers through her hair, messing them up just like her life was messed up. She cried and cried until I found myself crying too. Every now and then Emma would call her phone. She would look at it and not pick. It was like he was calling every second. Kate said, “I will talk to my parents and listen to them too. If they accept my point of view, the marriage won’t come on.”
Both families had a meeting where Emma accepted his fault and promised not to do it again. Kate’s parents pressed her to accept the apology so they can go ahead with the wedding. Her parents want the wedding to happen so they can resolve whatever the issue is after the wedding. Kate wants out of the wedding and I’m behind supporting her to stay strong until everything comes to an end.
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Emma called me. He was on the phone talking like he had cried for days. He said, “I know Kate lives with you so you know everything that’s going on. I want you to put in a word for me. I’ve accepted my mistakes. It’s devilish. It’s way below me but I stooped so low and picked it up. Just tell her how I’ve regretted my actions and how I want us to settle everything so it doesn’t affect our wedding. Maybe she’ll listen to you when you talk to her on my behalf.
The way he spoke got to me but isn’t it how they all act when they are finally caught? They smile through their sins and only cry when it caught up with them.
The wedding is a few weeks away. Kate says she wants out but sometimes she wants to succumb to the pressure and go ahead with the wedding. It’s the only reason why they haven’t called off the wedding. Kate is white today and tomorrow she’s black. Left to me alone, she won’t go ahead with the marriage but Emma’s demeanor looks like he’s dying. It makes me feel like he may not repeat his mistake when they marry. In the midst of the confusion, I told Kate we should share the story here and listen to what others may also say. We have only a few weeks before the wedding but we have a few days to decide. Kate is reading. I will be reading too. Which way should she go? Give second chance? Walk away? What’s the best option now for her?
—Olivia
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Most men are polygamous in nature,the fact that they don’t marry two or more doesn’t make any difference my dear if ur friend loves this guy she should go ahead with the marriage but should equally be prepared for future uncertaities. Men!!!!!they never change
Kate should call off the wedding and end her relationship with Emmanuel for the following reasons:
First, that Emmanuel strongly insisted and fiercely denied that the voice notes in his chats with those young ‘ladies’ weren’t his until both families met, is a very clear early warning sign that Emmanuel is a highly unremorseful person. One who is not quick to accept his wrongs. If he truly loves her as he claims he does, he wouldn’t have waited for both families to meet over the issue before accepting his wrong. Kate should by this time know that marriage is full of issues and if both families have to meet for such a petty issue as this to be resolved, then she better ran for her dear life.
Second, that Kate’s parents readily accepted that she should forgive Emmanuel and go ahead with the wedding without expressing a great or grave reservation about him, with particular reference to he being involved sexually with the young (underage) ladies, the legal issues that could have sparked, and the embarassment it could have brought Kate, shows clearly that Kate’s parents are after probably some physical benefit they are either already getting or expect to get from Emmanuel, without a care about Kate’s happiness and future in the relationship.
Third, that Emmanuel got sexually involved with not just one but many underage girls, who are probably more beautiful and more appealing sexually but are swayed easily by wealth and status, shows clearly that Emmanuel is not only an opportunist but one who will have an extremely great difficulty accepting that Kate’s beautiful looks will not remain same for forever. Kate should know that childbirth, stress at work and other life factors are very very likely to alter her looks or beauty. In that case, will Emmanuel be ready and willing to accept that reality and remain faithful to her forever? Kate should also be mindful of the fact that Emmanuel is very likely to end up in jail if his sexual thirst for younger girls continues even after their marriage (of which there’s no guarantee or certainty that he will overcome such ungodly urge soon) and the embarassment, emotional trauma and economic hardship that such a situation is very very likely to bring her way especially when they end up having children.
And finally, if a man can inherit properties and riches (wealth) from his parents BUT ONLY God Almighty can give him a sensible or good wife (Proverbs 19:14), then it stands true also that although ALL MEN can claim to having unfailing love (Proverbs 20:6), ONLY God Almighty can help a woman find a faithful man to marry. I’ll therefore advice Kate to end the relationship, allow herself ample time to get over the hurt and disappointment. And then remain highly prayerful and faithful in her service to God Almighty. The only one Who can grant her heart desire of a faithful man in marriage.
I think their both are looking at the disgrace the befalls if the wedding is called off, but the wedding is just a day and the marriage is “till death takes us apart”. It should be postponed. Emma pretending to be crying and sorry is
1. The kids are SHS students and it’s a disgrace to ruin his marriage because of them
2. That he would be questioned as to why the marriage is called of and the shame to come.
Postpone it and sought it out well without rushing
If a man is cheating in a relationship what makes you think all of a sudden he will stop
Marriage is not dating that you can call quits anytime. My candid advice is to quit that wedding, God really opened your eyes, so you can know what you are in for. My dear since you HV not tied the knot please call it quits unless you want divorce in near future, men rarely change what they have picked up
Tough and a dicey one! I used to succumb to the saying “every man is a potential cheat”. But I doubt it now. Kate should look deep into their lives, if there’s that one thing that will make her go ahead and marry him, she can go on with it. If not, it’s better she calls it off. He’s going to do it again. The trust is gone.
It is better to break a relationship than a marriage. I suggest you pray about it and let the peace of God direct you. All the best
Such a sad story. But truth is, men like that never change. He is sorry now because its in the public domain. The families are only pressuring Kate into the marriage to avoid the embarrassment of cancelling the marriage. She should not succumb. He will not change. He will only try to be extra cautious so he’s not caught again. My own relative was caught by his wife to be a week to their wedding. I wanted the wedding called of despite he being my relative. The woman was told to forgive. They’re 4 years into the marriage now and there’s a family meeting tomorrow because he’s been cheating non stop since they married. Marriage isn’t a magic solution that stops a man from cheating. If he will cheat on his wife to be, he will cheat on her again and again after marriage.
Now to Kate, she loves too deeply and too quickly. When she feels for a guy, she should keep her feelings in check n befriend him, get yo know him personally. Guys usually are not bothered letting you know they’re cheats when you’re just a friend. They will only hide their true self when they see signs that you like them. My heart is either you and Kate. Cancel the marriage ASAP and save Kate from emotional damage tomorrow. Because it will be worse in marriage. Shallom!
It’s only God who knows what’s hidden in the heart of each person, and even the future. I suggest she prays about it, or even add 3 days fasting to it. Then she will know from God if Emma is truly repentant or just pretending.
I have people I know who had their answers after prayer and fasting. Kate should do same. Because she cannot judge physically currently.
In my view Kate should withhold the wedding and allow space to reveal the truthfulness in the change of Emma’s behaviour. If after some time there is no suspicion and there is normalcy, the wedding should proceed but if it is otherwise, the wedding should be cancelled. Because it is a fact that most men cheat in or without being engaged but a man who cheats even before a wedding is more deadly. They’d act as though they are saints and later show you pepper once you’re theirs…….my opinion though ?. I’d look forward to receiving feedback on Kate’s current status?……keep us updated
Run, while you can. Don’t wait for children…
It’s better to be alone..and happy than be with someone and unhappy.
In relationships, the more you stay around, the more hard it gets to get out.
May God guide you and give clarity.
I think Kate should call of the wedding, he’s going to do it again, and what kind of man sleeps or dates girls that are 16 and below,he’s just faking that he is sorry to save himself the embarrassment of calling off the wedding, after the wedding he will do worse.hmm…
This should’ve be a difficult decision left to me. I agree with most comments and the one that really got to me was that , God has opened your eyes to the reality that this marriage is not His will for you.
One easy way to determine if a particular thing you’re involved in the will of God for you or what God wants you to do, use the PEACE UMPIRE.
My dear Kate, if you don’t have PEACE at this time before your wedding then it’s probably not God’s will for you to marry Emma. This is because the bible says that every good gift and perfect gift comes from above and also no good thing shall He (God) withhold from those who love Him and walk up rightly.
Lastly, the fact that you’re rejected now or you’re calling off a wedding now just means God is placing you in the path He wants to lead you. When you read the Bible, in the book of Ruth, she experienced widowhood, was rejected by the first guy she was supposed to marry and God allowed these events to place her in His Will.
So don’t be heartbroken now. God is Working Now!!
If You really love this guy,just postpone the marriage for now and pray about it.Do not be in haste so get married to him, allow sometime dear.There must be much to be unvail.
It looks like only women have shared their thoughts on this story so far. I’m a guy and the truth is, there are only 2 kinds of men: Faithful guys and cheats. You’re either a cheat or you’re not. Kate should go ahead with this marriage if she can somehow make her peace with the fact that Emma will always cheat. As to whether he’ll change, I’m sorry but he can change for a month, maybe 6 months or even a few years. But he’ll always have a desire to be with other women. What really bothers me is the fact that he seems ready to “eat” anything, even minors.
Once he has apologize i think your friend should forgive n let go. Its painful, it breaks trust but you see if he is trying to make things work then i guess he is really sorry. No where cool. You never know the next package the other man might bring. So they should both seek help from a therapist. It helps