I’m twenty-seven and have been in a lot of relationships but I didn’t hear of “Love Languages until I met the woman I’m currently dating. Fausty. To her, a relationship is about love languages and it’s only when you understand your partner’s love language that makes the relationship survive. We were talking about our past relationships. I told her, “My ex left me because she thought I was cheating but I wasn’t. We were always fighting about non-existent women in my life. She went through my phone often times and still didn’t get anything that suggested I was cheating. She accused me of deleting messages. She accused me of sending money to other women while I give her the crust of the bread. What she called crust was indeed me doing my best but she never understood me.”
Fausty responded, “You didn’t understand her love language that’s why your relationship with her didn’t work.” I said in my head, “Didn’t this girl hear all the things I said? This girl left me because of false suspicions. What is it about this love language that she’s talking about?” When she had the time to explain her point, she told me, “Her love language could have been thoughtful gifts but you didn’t give her a gift she considered thoughtful that’s why she suspected you of cheating. Of course, if you were not giving her enough, then definitely there’s someone out there you were giving your best to.”
I didn’t argue with her because I didn’t know what she was talking about. We were on a path of building a new relationship and I wasn’t ready to start the new relationship with an argument about what went wrong in my previous relationship. When it got to her turn to tell me what happened between her and her ex that led to their final breakup, she started, “He didn’t understand my love language…” I said in my head, “Then this love language thing will bring issues. I need to read about it as soon as possible.” She continued, “He didn’t understand why I needed to hear words of affirmation. He didn’t do it often. When I complained, he called it nagging. He didn’t understand that those little things means the world to me. I couldn’t stand his ignorance on the little things so I left.”
I got a rough idea of what she expected in a relationship. “Words of affirmation? But that’s easy to do?” So when she wore a beautiful dress I complimented her. When she changed her hair and she asked me, “Babe, look at me. How do I look?” I will look at her very well, make sure I have eye contact with her before I tell her, “It’s beautiful. It fits perfectly. You should have paid double for this because it really does the job.” She’ll giggle and walk at the tip of her toes as if she wants to fly. I see how she loves it when you tell her something of hers is beautiful. I don’t fake it. I don’t exaggerate. I do it as often as I could because my girl’s happiness rests on such little things.
But then she wants to see me every day. She wants to come around unannounced but doesn’t want to meet me unprepared to see her. My work is tight. I have schedules I work with. When I come home, I work on my own personal stuff I think will bring me money. Having her around all the time won’t cut it for me. After work, she’ll pass by my place, talk for a while and leave. When she’s leaving, she wants me to stop whatever I’m doing and see her off. On weekends too, early morning, she’ll leave her house and come to mine. Not that I need that constant care from her. When she comes around unannounced and I’m not around. She’ll call and tell me she’s waiting for me so I should run back. I think she’s being clingy. She thinks she’s living according to the dictates of her love language. To me, loving someone is allowing them to be free and express their love in a way they want to. But Fausty wants the air I breathe to be about her all the time.
I told her, “I want you every day but it doesn’t mean I want you to be here with me every day. Live your life. I will live mine. We are apart doesn’t mean I love you less.” That day, I received another lecture in Love Languages; “I’m a quality time person. I always want to spend quality time with the one I’m in a relationship with. When the one I’m in a relationship with understands this, then we are good to go.” Quality and quantity are two different things. It can be once but quality. It can be every day and less quality. She doesn’t understand that. She doesn’t understand she’s being clingy. So I have to adjust my space to accommodate her incessant visits.
So we’ve started fighting. Our relationship is only seven months old but it looks tired already. If our relationship was jeans, it would have been tattered jeans displayed in a shop. We are new but tattered because of all these rules that keep changing. I learned the love languages are five but Fausty has about three hundred love languages. I swear I’m not exaggerating. Every new day comes with a new love language she invented in her dreams. She will ask me, “What did you get me on your way coming?” I may say, “Oh nothing. Where I’m coming from, you know there’s nothing on the way.” She will say something like, “You know receiving a gift is my love language but you’ll never do it until I complain.” Meanwhile, it was only a few days ago that I got her gift.
READ ALSO: How I Got A Second Chance To Have A Second Wedding
When I’m at her place she wants me to cook and serve her. When she’s moody, she wants me to figure out what the issue is and go out of my way to resolve it for her. Because an act of service is her love language. Act of pampering is her love language. The act of texting first is also her love language. Taking five thousand photos of her when we go out is also one of her love languages. Ma brɛ. I’m tired of chasing new languages every day and I’m tired of the whole thing. Time to talk.
So I asked her to settle on what is it that she wants because obviously, one cannot have it all. She told me, “If you’re tired of me now, how are you going to deal with me when we finally marry?”
I’m not even thinking about marriage but she’s right. If she could have over three hundred love languages in a simple relationship, then you can imagine how many love languages she will have when we finally marry and live under a roof. I want to change things around. I love her and want something out of this relationship but I can’t cope with her numerous love languages. I’ve talked to her about it but she doesn’t see things the way I see them. Yes, love has a language. It’s specific and it’s clear to those in love. But how do you cope when this language keeps changing every day? And the question is, should everything center around love languages?”
I want to show your comments on this story to her. Maybe that will help our situation. So please, kindly give me your best shot. Thank you.
–Kareem
Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]
NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG
My brother, run for your life oo. It’s obvious she is just interested in her love language. They virtually leave the mood of the relationship on the guy, and it’s wrong. So the better you end things now, the better.
She is only selfish and frustrating. She is giving a clue that marriage with her will be hell on earth
No one person has only one love language. You have a bit of this and a bit of that but there is one dominant one. Everyone has a love language and that is usually how they express love. So someone with the language of gift giving also gives gifts to show love. Someone with the language of acts of service also usually shows love through acts of service because that is what says ” I love you” to them. It is, however, not so one-sided. In a relationship it is not only the man who has to understand and express the woman’s love language, it is also the woman’s duty to understand and ‘speak’ her man’s love language. It is a 2-way street that usually comes with compromises and understanding. You cannot expect the world to be given to you while you only offer up a grain of sand. That won’t work. So, Kareem, try this. Assess yourself and find out what your love language is and tell Fausty and observe and see how well and how often she ‘speaks’ it. If she does at all, then you have something good worth fighting for but if she doesn’t, then I am afraid you are right, she is just being clingy and finding excuses to make the whole relationship revolve around her. Then, you may have yo re-evaluate the whole relationship over and over until you both come to a conclusion.