If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.
My parents were aware of the issues with my mother-in-law right from the beginning. When she moved in to live with us, I called my mother and told her about it. She said, “Be patient with her. She can’t live with you forever. One day she’ll get tired and leave.” When she overstayed and started pushing the buttons of my emotions, I called my mom again and told her, “It looks like she intends to live with us forever. I don’t have any problem with that but she’s always in my way, dictating the pace of the marriage and ordering her son around. I’m not comfortable. It’s like the chicken living its life right before the eyes of the hawk. Mom, it’s too difficult for me.” She sighed. She said, “I don’t know what to tell you to make things better. I can’t also come there and advise your in-law to leave. All I can say is, take your time. There’s an end to everything that has a beginning.”
My parents didn’t want to interfere. My dad especially made it clear that there was nothing he could do about it. He said, “Your marriage is too young for us to come in. Go through it and grow through it. You’ll learn.” The day my husband packed his things and followed his mom, I told them about it. My dad laughed. He said, “He walks around town throwing his hands around calling himself a man, yet he still clings to the breast of his mother. I won’t be surprised if he was breastfed until he was ten years old.” My mom said, “Allow him space. He’ll miss you and come back to you. Don’t fight him.”
Everything my parents told me didn’t work out. It looked like they expected too much from him. Anytime I had a conversation with him I asked him one question, “Kofi, what do you want me to do not that we are living apart?” He said, “Everything would be alright. Just give me some time.” He came around when he wanted to. He will come and get sex and leave. I wouldn’t see him again until he wanted it again. When I realized sex was the reason he came around, I also decided to stop giving it to him. He will come around, stay for a while and start giving me clues about what he wanted. I started ignoring him. When he pushed for it I told him, “If that’s what you want, you can come and live with me so you can get it every day.”
He said, “But I’ve told you everything? I said I would come very soon. This place is far from my workplace. It’s difficult getting to work early from here. I’m looking for a place closer so the two of us will move there. Just understand me.” I told him, “I’m always here for you. When the place is ready, we’ll go there. The way I see it, you may get me pregnant and leave me alone here to cater for myself. Sort things out before you can expect intimacy from me.” He thought I was joking. When I denied him on several occasions, he went around reporting me to his parents. When his mother called, I told her, “I don’t deny him anything. I only told him the truth. I can’t get pregnant and stay alone.” She said, “If you don’t want to stay alone, then why did you sack us? You sacked me but I will still open my arms to you if you change your mind. There’s a big place here for you two.”
There’s a point where you get tired no matter how strong you are. I gave up. I told myself, “I’m wasting my time waiting for a change that would never come. Maybe I should be that change I’m looking for.” I went to my parents again. I told them, “I want us to return their drink to them. It doesn’t look like it’s going to work out.” My father agreed but on one condition. He said, “Call him and give him that ultimatum. If he doesn’t fix what’s broken, we have no choice but to cancel the marriage.” My mom said, “Wait, let me talk to him first and see what will come out of it.”
My mom called him. He spoke like an angel. My mom asked, “Kofi, what’s happening between you and my daughter? Are you sure the two of you are married?” He was at his humble best. He said, “Mom I’ve told her everything. I’m looking for a place that’s closer to our workplace. Where she lives is far. When I was there, I was almost always late for work. I’ve asked her to exercise patience.” My mom asked, “It’s been almost a year. How long does it take to find accommodation?” He said, “I accept that it has taken long but give me a few weeks, everything will be alright.” My mom told him, “Should I call next week and ask about it? My daughter is frustrated. It’s not a good thing to allow something this small to separate you two.” He agreed. He said, “I will even call you before the week ends.”
We kept our fingers crossed. The week ended, he didn’t call. I called him, he didn’t pick. My mom called, he didn’t pick. My dad got angry. He went to their house one afternoon to meet Kofi’s dad. They had a long discussion. When my dad came, I asked him what happened. He said, “Forget it. His father is also just like his son. They still drink from the breast of that woman.” I asked, “What did he say?” He responded, “After listening to me talk for several minutes he told me he couldn’t do anything about it because when he speaks no one listens to him. He had lost his power long ago as the man of the house. His wife is now the man. No wonder she goes around behaving like a witch.”
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My dad had lost hope. I had lost hope. It was only my mother who had a flicker of hope still burning. My dad said, “Let’s send them their drink. That woman isn’t a good woman. She can do unexpected things. I don’t trust her.” My mom continued asking for time but I trusted my dad’s intuition. The woman could do anything. So I called Kofi and told him, “I’m not interested in the marriage again. It looks like you’re not interested in it too. Let’s get a divorce and go our separate ways. It’s better than wasting each other’s time.” He said, “You’ve allowed your parents to poison your mind. What’s wrong with what we are doing? All because I couldn’t rent a place for us?” I said, “You’re a bad joke. I can’t even laugh at you. Who listened to his mother? Who allowed his mother to come between us?”
He was angry. He said a lot of things but I also didn’t keep quiet. I defended my parents and went after him for being a breast-suckling man. My parents sent back the drink to initiate the traditional divorce. Come and see her mother on that day. She was jubilating over the divorce. She said, “If a woman can’t welcome the mother of her husband, then that woman is not worth keeping as a wife.” We presented our case silently and left silently. Weeks later, Kofi was at my door asking me to reconsider. He made a lot of promises. He even called my mother asking for us to come back.
My dad said, “You can go back if you want to but look for another father to accept their drink. It looks like you have no fear for your life.” That statement nailed it. I didn’t even try. We fought to stay apart. And that fight was more intense than what we put in to stay together. A man like Kofi—how do you deal with that?
-Patricia
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