On my 30th birthday last month, my father called to wish me a happy birthday. After talking to him, he gave the phone to my mother. She wished me a happy birthday too. Among other things she said, “I wish you happiness. Above all, may this year be the year you bring a man home to cheer our hearts.” I said “Amen.” My dad took the phone from my mom. He said, “Come over this weekend. We need  to talk.” I said, “What is the talk about?” He answered, “You come home and you’ll know. Your mom will cook your favorite for a belated birthday.”

On Saturday morning, I dressed up and drove to my parents’ house. 

My Dad: “Do you have a boyfriend? I mean a man you are preparing to have a future with.”

Me: No I don’t. It’s not intentional. I’m taking my time to settle with the right one.

My mom: “Did you say you’re taking your time? At 30?”

Me: “But mom what can I do?”

My Dad: “There’s no right or wrong when it comes to men. You’re a woman. A man has to choose you. Whoever chooses you is the right one.

Me: “I want to choose whoever chooses me. I want to choose the right one and hope the right one can also choose me.”

My mom: “Who is the right one for you? What are you looking for in a man?”

Me: “I need a helpmate. Someone who will clean when I’m cooking. Someone who can help with the kids while I’m washing. I have dreams. I want a man who can help me build my dreams.”

They both burst out laughing.

My dad: “You’re not a man. A man looks for a helper. A man looks for a woman who can help build his dreams. You’re the helper and not the man. No wonder you still don’t have a man in your life at thirty.”

My mom: “Sylvia, see, don’t look at your car, your work, and your educational background and say nonsense. Our elders say that when a woman buys a gun, the gun will rest in the bosom of a man. If a man comes into your life right now, even if he comes with nothing, everything you own is his. Mellow and be found.”

They laughed at me in my presence. I laughed at them when I sat in my car and drove away. “A man can have a dream but a woman can’t.” A man can look for a helper. A woman can’t. A man this. A woman not this.” What sins did we commit that we can’t aspire to anything unless we follow a man’s lead? I asked myself. 

It wasn’t the first time my parents have had such a conversation with me. They started the day my junior sister got married. She was twenty-four and I was twenty-six. They used her as an example of who a woman should be. She became the blueprint on which my life should be built if only I wanted to marry. The thing is, I’m not seeking to marry by all means. I’m seeking to build a life I can be proud of before anything else. Along the way, if I find a man who’s on the same wavelength as me, I will settle with him. Not a man first before anything.

When my sister got married, I was dating Alex. I was at the wedding with Alex. My mom loved Alex to bits (The same way she loved Martin. The same way she loved Fiifi) because he was tall. Anytime she spoke about him, she said, “This is the kind of man you go to gatherings with—a man that turns head.” Yes, Alex was handsome and all but he was selfish. He wanted to be ahead of me in every facet of life. So much so that if I got something he didn’t have, he couldn’t celebrate with me. I got a promotion at work. He had issues with it. I was with him when I decided to buy a car. He said, “What do you need a car for? Why don’t you invest the money instead?” I went ahead and bought the car anyway. A year later when he was buying his own car, he didn’t think of investing the money. He didn’t even tell me that he was going to buy a car. He went ahead and bought a car because he was a man. Men don’t talk to their women when they want to buy a car. They go ahead and get it because they are men.

Guess why he broke up with me?

My company took me outside the country for a training program. I spent only six months. While I was there, I spoke with him every morning and evening. I was the one calling each day. A month before I came back to Ghana, he sent me a message; “I think it’s better we go our separate ways. Don’t get me wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong but it looks like both of us are growing in different directions. We’ve grown way apart than closer over the years but we don’t see it. I want you to come back and start a new life without me.” I called him immediately. I asked for an explanation. He said, “That’s all that I’ve said. We’ve grown apart.”

He got married recently. Judging from the kind of woman he married, I now understand why he didn’t want me. I’m not judging the woman. I’m judging his reasons for not choosing me. He only wanted a woman who is way below him in everything. That way, he can be the Lord. He can be the head without questions. That way, he can speak and expect no other opinion against his.

So recently I met a guy. I liked him.  He spoke fluently and looked like a guy who can figure his way out of a complicated maze. He liked me too. He always told me that he likes my intelligence and he likes me more because of how I’m aggressive in life. I loved that he knew me but I was studying him too. I wanted to know if he could be my helpmate. I wanted to weigh his patience and weigh his manly egos. We went out every Friday night and even spent a night at his place once. He hadn’t proposed then but I wanted to know how he lived his life in his home. So that visit was impromptu. After our usual Friday night outing, I told him, “I’m going to your house with you tonight. I want to know where you live.” 

We got to his place. Very organized man. To meet a man’s room the way I met it meant two things; either he had a woman in his life or he’s just a man who takes his space very seriously. At 11pm I told him, “I’ve changed my mind I want to sleep over.” We shared a bed and all night this man didn’t even try to make a move at me. I loved him more that day. We had known each other for only two months but I was already sold. 

We went out one evening and everything said he was going to propose. He asked me, “What do you look out for in a man you want to date?” I said everything I told my parents above. He was nodding throughout. I was happy. Nodding means he agreed with me, right? I kept going on and on. He asked, “What’s your educational background again?” I said, “Two master’s degrees. I had the first one when I didn’t know so much about life. Along the way, my interest changed so I decided to master in a different thing.” He asked, “So if tomorrow you find something else you’re interested in, you’ll probably master in that too?” I said, “It’s a constant learning curve down here on earth. If I have the money, time, and space, why not?”

I waited all night for the proposal but it didn’t come. 

We parted ways that night and everything started changing. He didn’t call as he used to. He didn’t pick my calls as he used to. Even text messages, it took him forever to respond. I’m not a child. I’ve studied trends enough to know what’s changed. I asked him, “You’ve changed. What happened?” He said, “Noo I haven’t changed. I’ve been busier these days.” One day I decided not to call him and see how long it will take him to call me. We went for four days without talking. I got it. His interest was gone. I stopped watering dead flowers. I moved on. 

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I’ve had other encounters with men who think I’m too known. Who think I’m too up there for them to climb. Who think I’m too hard. Who think my independence is scary. Who think my standard is too high. My parents are inclusive. When you get to that junction of life, you begin to doubt your principles. You begin to doubt your choices and later tell yourself, “Maybe what everyone is saying is true. I’m wrong and they are right. I have to lower my standard.”

Anytime I get to that junction, I remember what my lecturer once told me. She said, “You can lower your standard until it falls on the ground yet the wrong ones will still come with a shovel, dig and tell you that your standard is too high.”

Is it wrong to have standards as a woman? Being a woman means you should settle for anyone who comes your way? A woman can’t look for help in a man? I want to open a conversation on this and hear what other people think. I should listen to what my parents are saying and go in for whoever comes my way? And to the men, what is wrong with a woman like me?

—Sylvia

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