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My relationship is in turmoil as I write this. The one behind it all is my fiancé’s mother. That woman has sworn heaven and earth that she wouldn’t allow me to marry her son. I’ve sent delegations to meet her and her husband. The man is a little bit considerate but my prospective mother-in-law says our marriage would happen only when she’s dead and gone. She said, “While I have breath and I still can see and hear, this won’t happen. I’ll shame the house where I was born and I’ll bring shame to my own son. I won’t do that. My son is not the only man in this world. Find someone else.”

How did we get here?

I dated Steve for two good years before he introduced me to his parents. When I visited his home for the first time, it was his mother who referred to me as an in-law. She asked her son, “Are you bringing our in-law home to greet us?” He answered, “He’s a friend who wants to see you.” His dad asked, “You’ve had a lot of friends who were females. You didn’t bring anyone here to greet us. Why is this one different?” He said, “We are together. We’ve been together for a while now so I decided to bring her home to see you.”

His father turned to me and said, “Young woman, welcome home. Our son is trying hard to call the spade a big spoon but we understand what he’s saying. We’ve been like him before so he can’t hide anything from us. This is where we live. Now that he has brought you home, we’ve become witnesses to everything happening between you. But where do you come from?” I mentioned my parents’ names. I told them where I was raised and where we come from. The mother said, “You look like someone who was raised well. Don’t disappoint us.”

From that day on, I became an in-law to them. His mother called me often. Whenever he was going to visit his parents, I bought a small gift to be given to them in my name. His mother loved those little gestures and always called to thank me. She will say, “Won’t you come and visit us again? We always receive your gift but don’t see you. Try and visit us again. When the time was right and Steve was going home, I followed him, spent the weekend with them, and by the time I was leaving, this woman had fallen so much in love with me to the extent that she wanted to see me every time Steve was going home.

If you asked me then, I would have told you that she was the best mother-in-law any woman could have. A year and a half later, I and Steve were ready to marry. We had to make arrangements for the knocking before anything else could follow. Steve went home to meet his parents and a date was agreed. That Saturday morning when they arrived in my household, my family accepted them beautifully. They were asked their mission, and the leader made their mission clear to my family. The whole ceremony didn’t last for more than thirty minutes. 

Later they were served. I was seated right next to Steve’s mom trying to keep her company. Then my senior sister’s eight-year-old son passed by. He’s autistic and sometimes very aggressive. He was walking around playing and talking to himself. Steve’s mother asked me quietly, “Who is that boy, and what is wrong with him?” I explained things to her; “He’s my elder sister’s son. He’s autistic, that’s why he’s behaving that way.” He asked, “What’s autistic?” I didn’t know how to explain things to her but I tried my best.” She sat there quietly, watching the boy as he went around playing and talking to himself.

One week later Steve called me. He said, “There’s a problem.” I asked, “What is it about?” He said, “My mom is bringing up a lot of issues concerning your sister’s son but you don’t worry, my dad is handling her.” I asked, “What issues? Feel free and tell me everything. What is she saying?” He answered, “She’s saying there is a sickness in your family so it’s not ideal for me to marry you.” I was shocked. “Sickness in my family? How? This boy is autistic, something that can happen to anyone at all. How does that affect anything?” He said, “Don’t worry, you know these people and their archaic minds.”

That didn’t stop me from worrying. I called him every morning and asked if his mother has changed her mind. He told me, “I’ve left her in the hands of my father. I believe she’ll understand.” Three months later, we fixed a date for our traditional wedding and the white wedding. When Steve gave his parents the date, his mother stood up and told him, “If you continue with this marriage, I will wash my hands off the marriage and wash my hands off you as my son. You are my only son but I’d rather lose you than watch you bring sick children home.”

According to Steve, he didn’t know his mother’s feelings against our marriage were that intense until that day. It was his father who called him on the side and told him to exercise patience. Steve told me, “With or without her, we’ll get married.” I felt safe in his assurance but I didn’t like how everything was going. One day I decided to call Steve’s mother and talk to her woman to woman. I called this woman all day and she didn’t pick up my calls. When I told Steve, he told me, “Even me, she doesn’t pick my calls”

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We had to put everything on hold for three months and see what might change. My parents sent a delegate to have a talk with her, she said no. Her own pastor intervened, she said no. My church pastor went to see her with other church elders. She looked at them and told them right in the face, “No family marries from a family that has a history of sickness in it. I was there. I saw it with my own eyes. It doesn’t look good for my son to marry from such a house. I don’t hate that girl but the truth has to be said.”

Steve assured me that with or without his mother’s consent, we were going to get married but all of a sudden, he’s developing cold feet. The last time he told me, “Yes I want us to marry by all means but it doesn’t mean we have to throw my mom’s consent away. She belongs to a generation that took such issues seriously. Let’s take our time to convince her before anything.”

The question here is, what haven’t we done? What haven’t we said and where haven’t we gone? We’ve done all we could to get her to change her mind but this woman somehow believes that I will bring forth sick children if I marry her son.  Already, we are six months behind schedule but there seems to be no way out of the hole we find ourselves in. I’m already tired and my heart aches every time I think of it. I wish it will all come to an end so I know where to go from here. 

My question is, should I call everything off and move on with my life? Steve is too relaxed for my liking. It looks like I’m the only one fighting for the marriage to happen. I’m tired of fighting. I want it all to end so I can have peace of mind. Is it too early to pull the plug? How long should I stay hopeful?  

–Nhyira

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