I’m working and earning enough to take care of myself. I’m not rich, but if I manage my money well, I can afford a modest place to live. For some time now, I’ve wanted to move out of my mother’s house and experience living independently. Every time I bring it up, she refuses. She says a respectable young woman doesn’t leave her parents’ house until she’s married.

According to her, the only acceptable reason for me to pack my belongings and leave is when a man comes to marry me. I used to understand her concerns, but I’m an adult. I work, earn my own money, and make decisions that affect my future. Why must marriage be the only thing that qualifies me to have a home of my own?

READ ALSO: I Emptied My Account to Help Him Travel but He Keeps Leaving Me Behind

What makes the situation more frustrating is how my mother has gradually transferred almost every financial responsibility in the house to me. When we need foodstuffs, I’m the one who buys them. Electricity, water, cooking gas, and other household expenses are mostly my responsibility.

When something breaks down, she expects me to repair it. Sometimes, I return from work and meet a list of things we need. She doesn’t ask whether I have money. She simply tells me to buy them. My mother isn’t unemployed. She owns a shop that generates income. She goes there almost every day, sells her goods, and comes home.

Yet when it comes to our household expenses, she behaves as though I’m the only person who earns an income.

She brought toilet rolls home from her shop last week. She dropped them on the dining table and told me how much I owed her. I asked, “Mummy, are you selling toilet rolls to me in our own house?” She said, “Do you think I got them for free?”

I gave her the money. I didn’t want another argument, but that evening, I started searching for a house to rent.

The toilet roll incident wasn’t even the first time. Sometimes, she brings things from her shop for us to use and demands payment. If she brings soap, I have to pay for it. If she brings provisions, she tells me how much they cost. I’ve asked her why she can’t occasionally contribute something from her shop without charging me. She says, “Business money is not household money.”

We’ve argued about this several times. Recently, I sat her down and explained that I needed to start saving towards my future. I told her that after paying for household expenses, transportation, and my personal needs, I hardly had enough left to save.

She asked what I was saving for. I told her I needed to save for a better life in the future. She said, “When you choose the right man, the future can be better and bright. You don’t need to struggle and save.”

We argued over this for several minutes until tempers started to rise. She said I was ungrateful. “You live in my house without paying rent. Do you expect me to feed you and take care of you too?”

This house we live in belongs to us, the children, even more than it belongs to her. In our father’s will, he said my mom could live in the house until she dies, and then the house becomes the property of me and my younger brother. So the rent issue isn’t a case she can stand on.

I told her, “If you’re doing all this because I don’t pay rent, then let me move out so I can learn to manage the little that I have.”

She rejected that idea too. She said, “You will leave this house when your husband comes for you. Until then, you’re staying here.”

That’s when I realised the situation wasn’t going to change through another conversation. Sometimes, I go somewhere after work, and she questions why I’m returning late. If I spend a weekend with friends, she wants to know everything we did.

She’s my mother, and I respect her, but I’m beginning to feel as though I’m carrying adult responsibilities without being allowed to enjoy adult independence.

Recently, I found a small apartment I can afford. It has everything I need. I’ve calculated the rent and other expenses, and I believe I can manage. For the first time in a long while, I’m excited about something. I keep imagining returning from work to my own space, buying groceries according to my budget, and knowing exactly where my money goes.

The only problem is my mother. If I tell her I’m moving, I know what will happen. She’ll shout, cry, and accuse me of abandoning her. She may even involve relatives who will call and lecture me about how much she sacrificed to raise me.

What Caused The Breakup Between You And Your Ex?

I want to rent the apartment, arrange everything, and wait for a day when my mother has gone to her shop. Then I’ll pack my belongings and move. I’ll call her afterwards to explain that I’m safe and have moved into my own place.

I know she’ll be angry. I know she’ll say I’ve disgraced her by leaving without her permission. But I’m also afraid that if I inform her beforehand, she’ll make the process so difficult that I’ll abandon the idea altogether.

The thought of leaving secretly makes me feel guilty, but I also don’t want to wait indefinitely for marriage before I’m allowed to start living independently. What if I don’t get married for another five years? What if I decide not to marry at all? Am I supposed to remain in her house, paying almost every bill, until a husband comes to take me away?

Would I be wrong to carry out this plan? That is, rent a place and move out while she’s at her shop, then inform her afterwards?

—Esther  

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

******