I dated Carlos for five years. Out of the five years, we were together for two years before he travelled abroad. Nothing changed. We talked every day. The promises got intense. He promised he was going to marry me once he came back to Ghana.

Two years later, he came. He came with a promise ring. He took me to a place in Akosombo, placed the ring on my finger, and asked me to marry him. It was the happiest day of my life, knowing I was getting married to the first man I ever dated. We spent five days touring Akosombo, visiting interesting places, and riding in beautiful boats.

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When we came back from Akosombo, he brought a few family members to come and knock on my door. They performed the knocking rite and said our wedding was going to happen on his next return, which wouldn’t take more than a year.

Carlos left, and two years later, there was no news about his return. We didn’t talk as we used to. He gave me more excuses than promises. When I insisted on knowing our next move, he complained that all I thought about was marriage and not his welfare. He stopped calling totally and didn’t pick my calls for weeks. When he resurfaced, he told me I should find another man and marry because he wasn’t coming back anytime soon.

I broke into pieces. I knew it was coming to an end, but when it finally did, I got shattered. So my love life is divided into two periods. Before Carlos (BC), that’s before Carlos broke up with me, and after Carlos broke up with me (AC).

It took me three years to allow myself to love again. Nathan came along, and we took it from there. He wanted to know my past, so every question he asked was about my past relationship. I told him I’ve had only one love story, and it was Carlos. He wanted to know everything, even the uncomfortable truth about whether I still loved Carlos and if I would ever love him the way I loved Carlos.

I was honest about the two questions. I told him it took me three years to move on, and I wasn’t going to think about him again no matter what. “That will mean wasting more years of my life thinking about what didn’t work.”

About whether I would ever love him like I did Carlos, I said yes and even told him I was giving him everything I had left in me, so if it didn’t work, I would know I had given it my all.

We dated for two years, and those two years weren’t easy for both of us. Almost every fight we had had Carlos’s name in it. I gave him my past, and he decided to use it against me. If I did something wrong, instead of talking about it, he would ask, “If it were Carlos, would you have done that to him?”

That question got me so livid I wanted to walk away. I’d left a man, spent three years trying to forget about him, and found another man to help me bury the past, but he was the one bringing the past up at any given opportunity. I asked if he was insecure about my past. He chuckled and spat on it. “It doesn’t bother me a bit. Who’s Carlos that I should waste my insecurity on?”

One night, I thought we’d had the best intimacy since we started dating. I was there panting and smiling to myself for a job well done when he asked me, “So you mean Carlos taught you all these styles? No other man has enjoyed this after Carlos?”

I got up and started dressing. He asked where I was going. I answered, “I’m going to look for Carlos since you won’t let his name rest.” I was so angry I was shaking. That was the tipping point for me. I left, got home, and told him it was the last time I was going to take that from him. If he wanted me because of Carlos, he should say it straightforwardly rather than hiding behind incessant nagging.

He apologized. I forgive him easily because I’m like that. I forgive those I love easily and don’t remind them of their sins once we get back together.

Nathan came to do the knocking too. That day, I got emotional thinking about how the two men I’ve ever loved had both come to knock for me. I wished it was only Nathan who had ever gotten close to my door. I was wondering what my family was thinking about me. I cried a little.

We fixed our wedding date that very day. It was only going to take us five months to get to our big day.

Three months later, everything was almost set, and I was sure I was going to get married until we started talking about where to go for our honeymoon. I didn’t have plans. I wanted to just get married and leave the rest to happen naturally. He suggested the idea of travelling for our honeymoon. I asked where, and he answered, “Akosombo.”

I looked at him sternly, thinking he was going to change what he had just said. Then he went ahead to mention all the places I visited with Carlos, one after the other, with this mischievous grin on his face. I asked him, “Are you bringing the past here again?” He answered, “Eiii madam, we can’t go to a place because someone went there with you? We can’t be happy at a place because you were happy there with someone else?”

I left quietly without answering any of the questions. Later in the evening, he accused me of not healing and said he could see I would always go back to Carlos if he appeared out of nowhere. I told him calmly, “Thank you for reminding me that I haven’t healed. I can’t marry with this same wound when you keep making it bleed again. I’m not doing this.”

He got angry and told me his mind. He even called me an emotional prostitute, saying I was emotionally prostituting with Carlos. To me, that was the end of the wedding. I saw the future through his words and told myself I wouldn’t like to live in such a future. A few days later, he came asking me to let bygones be bygones. He thought I was too scared to let the wedding go or that we had come too far to turn back.

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Even when I made it clear I wasn’t doing it, he called my bluff and walked away. By the time our families started intervening, my decision was firmly grounded. I told my parents, “I want to be happy after everything I’ve been through. This doesn’t look like happiness.”

I think it’s the best decision I’ve taken for myself. To see the red flag and decide not to let it wave in my face. I folded it and placed it where it can never be unfurled. I’m happy, single, and will go again with the lessons I’ve learned from this one.

—Owusuaa

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