My father walked out on my mom and never looked back when she told him she was pregnant with me. She said she thought he was just in a state of shock and would call her later so they could discuss the way forward. He did come around, but his suggestion was that they terminate the pregnancy. When she finally decided she wasn’t going to terminate me, he took to running and never looked back.

Twenty-two whole years later, I still don’t have the faintest idea of what he looks like. I felt that at least having his picture or something would help satisfy my curiosity. So, I went looking for him.

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My mom and I searched the internet with little hope. Much to our surprise, we found his profile. I reached out to him and introduced myself. He also told me his side of the story. He said what my mother told me was a lie. “I never knew about the pregnancy. We broke up, and that was all,” he said.

He explained himself over and over. I told him, “I don’t know which of you is telling the truth. I just wanted to know what you look like and let you know that you have a daughter somewhere. I just wanted to know my roots.”

He asked me if I was married. I told him I was about to get married. Immediately, he said, “No need for your stepfather to take the drinks. Now that we have found each other, just come and find me so that I can stand beside you as your father.”

I laughed. “If you are serious about collecting the drinks, you should come and see me. I am in school, and I can’t miss my lectures to travel and see you.” I also told him that if he was even invited to my wedding, he would be there as a guest, nothing else. He would not be taking part in any of the activities as my father. Since that day, he has never texted me, let alone called me.

My boyfriend has been on my neck, pressuring me to introduce him to my parents so that we can take the next step, but my situation is dicey.It is dicey because I don’t know who should take the drinks. My mother’s husband has made his stance clear since he came into my life. I can take his surname, but that doesn’t mean he is my father. He is not even even married to my mother

When it comes to financial support, it has always been my mother and me. I am in the university because of the benevolence of others and my own hard work. I don’t call home for money, and I don’t ask them for anything.

When I spoke to my stepfather about my marriage plans, he willingly said he would sit in as my father. But that is all there is to him being my father.

Now my fiancé is pressuring me to let him meet my parents, and I don’t know who deserves to be called my father and enjoy the fruits of this at this point. I don’t know any other family apart from them. No one.

The problem I have now is that it feels like they are waiting for me to finish my education, get a job, build them a house, and fund their lives. They have not said it, but it looks like that is where we are heading. And being the first child in the family, it feels almost inevitable right now.

Already, they have started. I just sweet-talked my fiancé into putting my last brother in school because my parents refused to do it. He is only six, almost seven years old, and he is just starting school.

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My fear is that this will only be the beginning. I know I have been left to figure out my own life, and I have accepted that. But I cannot let my family slowly rope my fiancé into taking care of the whole family. So, who is in the right position to collect the drinks? What do I do to avoid the pressure my family is trying to put on me and my boyfriend? I want to get married and build my own life, but I don’t want my marriage to become the solution to all my family’s problems.

—Cynthia

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