She’s a medical doctor. We met on a project and exchanged contacts. Our love story grew from there. We talked every day, and gradually, we descended into talks about dating. She said she had spent a lot of years in school and wanted to marry as soon as possible. I told her I had the same dreams.
She said yes to my proposal, but a few days later, even before we could meet again, she travelled to Japan. I was worried our relationship wouldn’t survive the extra distance, but she assured me she was going to be away for only six months, so we should use the months to get to know each other.
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We talked every day. At least, we spent three hours of our daily lives talking to each other through texts, calls, and video calls. We planned our marriage over the distance and agreed it would be the next step forward once she touched down.
We held on to this love until she finally returned, and when she was coming, she came with the rings. She didn’t ask for money or even ask if she could buy them. She just came with them, indicating her readiness for us to start life together.
Her father is a doctor, and her mom is also a doctor. She has a younger brother who’s in school to become a doctor. I must admit that it scared me a little, thinking they wouldn’t accept me marrying her. She said, “Who’ll reject you, Mom or Dad? Meet them before you judge. You’ll love them.”
Two months ago, we visited her family. Everything looked just as I had anticipated it would be: big house, big cars, and a lovely family. When we sat down to eat, it was her father who served the food and drinks. When we needed anything on the table, it was her father who went to fetch it. Her mother carefully picked her food with a fork and chewed delicately, as if chewing hard would break her teeth.
She asked all the questions and smiled very little. Her dad was super fun and humorous. I couldn’t draw a single smile from her mom. It made me feel she didn’t like me very much. Before we parted, I thanked them for the meal and said it was delicious. Her mom said, “The credit goes to my husband. He’s the best cook.”
On our way back, I asked all the questions, and every answer was, “My dad.”
Her dad cooks the meals, serves, and does the majority of the housework. I asked, “And he’s a doctor too?” She smiled and said, “He was my mom’s personal doctor before they got married.”
To me, the dynamics of the house didn’t sit right. It went against every family rule I knew. So I asked if she expected the same from me when we married, and she said, “It’s not about the meals, but what can you do to help in the house?”
There are so many things I can do around the house. I might not be a good cook, but I can cook what I can eat. I know how to keep a living space and do other petty things around the house. The issue is, I don’t expect the woman I’m going to marry to demand these things from me, that I do them as a matter of duty. I should be able to help when I can, but I don’t want to be made to do it every day.
From all indications, my girlfriend wants the kind of marriage her parents have, even though she tells me it can come in a different form. We are not married yet, so she seems to soften her answer every time I ask her about it. I don’t want to enter a marriage with a promise only for me to get something different from what was promised.
I also don’t want her to marry me under pretence, that she wouldn’t act like her mom, only for her to act like her once we are married. I’m clear in my head about what I want from my marriage, and it’s way different from what she’s used to. Due to this, I haven’t introduced her to my parents. I give her excuses. She believes me. What I actually want to do is have this conversation in a way that wouldn’t sound bad.
Is There A Man Out There Who Doesn’t Cheat?
I don’t want to lose her, but I’m also wishing the two of us could meet each other in truth before we marry. What do you suggest we do? How should I approach this topic in a crafty way that wouldn’t bring conflict?
Her father is probably doing all that because he loves doing it. I don’t want that. I don’t enjoy cooking and can’t be the one to serve strangers when my wife, whose role it is to serve, will just sit and enjoy the meal I serve. That won’t work for me, and I need a way to address it before I put a finger in the ring she bought for our wedding.
—Jerry
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🤣🤣🤣Let me laugh before I get back to comment
And she even bought the rings, hmmmmm let keep our fingers crossed and see what happens. For sure part two of the story will come soon
jerry you have a great wife material. She is a doctor who went to medical school, that means she knows how to work hard, so that trait could come in handy when she transitions to be a wife. She loves you so i am sure she will be ready to put in the work. And most importantly any person who is well travelled is ready to understand differences in culture and behaviour.
So put your fears away and marry her. She will be learning from you every step of the way on how to be a great wife, and trust me she will put in the hard work and amaze you. Just take things slowly with her and allow her to learn the new traits you want slowly and gradually.
You dont come by women like these on a daily basis.
Brother Jerry, if you had talked about your financial muscle, it would be easier to advice you. But one thing you have to know is that this woman is not a “traditional” kind woman and you have seen it for yourself. Looking at how you described her family, they are rich. You didn’t even have any problem with her buying the rings. That’s very wrong. At least you should buy hers. With the kind of upbringing she has, if she’s contributing heavily financially then you have/will lose your headship.
Her work is very demanding already so you can’t have a “traditional” woman. This may not work for you because if she’s not performing her roles in the marriage, who will you report her to?
Her parents? I’m sure you know they won’t see anything wrong with it.
If you really want to be with her, then know that you are getting a full time house help and when she gives birth, you would need two house helps. One for the baby and one for the house.
If you can’t accept this, then go for the kind of woman that will manage the house fully and juggle work as well.
The assurances she’s giving you are lies. She will later be using work as an excuse and won’t do anything at home.
There is no nice way of expressing how you feel about everything. Let her know the upbringing you had and family you come from. Also let her know the boundaries you would never cross. If possible get a counsellor to be part. Once all parties agree you are good to go