I’m in a long-distance relationship with a man who is my boyfriend. We’ve been together for about two years. When we started dating, he didn’t have much and wasn’t financially taking care of me, but we were happy and still loved each other. It was only last year that he started doing very well financially.

Since then, he has been helping me tremendously, paying my medical bills, supporting me with things I need, and financing applications because he wants me to travel abroad and improve my life before we start thinking seriously about having children.

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This is where I’m confused. He always tells me that his love is based on action, not words or affection, and that he believes his actions should be enough to prove that he loves me. He provides, helps me financially, introduces me to his friends, and generally makes sure I’m okay. I have also spoken to some of his siblings and close friends, and I’ve realised that this is genuinely how he relates to people in general. Some of them even think I am treated better than most.

But emotionally, I feel starved. He can call me only twice in a month, and we can go months without talking. Then, when he calls, we simply continue from where we stopped. I have asked him to communicate with me daily, but he says he doesn’t even call his parents regularly, sometimes only twice a year, and that if he sends their monthly allowance, he considers that he is doing his responsibility.

Basically, he believes that actions speak louder than communication.

He has even told me that if his father hadn’t refused to pay his priesthood fees when he was younger, he would have become a priest. He is now considering going back into priesthood because he hasn’t reached the age limit. He also said that if possible, he wouldn’t even want to get married because marriage is too much trouble.

And then there is our physical relationship. We can sleep on the same bed for days, sometimes for a whole week, and he may not touch me. When I ask why, he tells me that he didn’t bring me to him for sex, that he loves his personal space, and that he can sleep beside me without touching me. There are moments when he comes back, holds me, and is affectionate, but then he can go back to being distant.

I have questioned myself and wondered whether I’ve done something wrong or whether he isn’t attracted to me. I have apologised, but he tells me I haven’t done anything wrong.

Also, I have seen a pregnancy test, used lubricant, and condoms in his room. Honestly, I’m not making that a big deal because we have been long-distance for a long time, and I know that distance can be difficult for someone who is sexually active. I have been turning down many chances to travel and visit him when he asks.

He doesn’t want a child outside marriage right now and wants me to travel first, establish myself, and improve my life before we start thinking about children. I have also said that since he doesn’t want children now, we shouldn’t be intimate.

How can someone be such a good, responsible, and genuinely caring man, yet give you so little affection? I don’t doubt that he cares about me. What I don’t know is whether his way of loving is enough for someone like me. And I also feel I can’t simply walk away from the relationship whenever I’m unhappy because he has become an important source of support for my business and my plans to build a better life. At the same time, I don’t want to stay with someone simply because he helps me financially.

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I was there before he started making money, and I am still here, so this isn’t about what he gives me. I just want to understand whether I’m expecting too much emotionally and physically, or whether I’m genuinely not receiving enough.

Can two people love each other genuinely but have completely different definitions of what love should look like? If your husband or wife was like this, very responsible and generous but emotionally and physically distant, how would you handle it? Kindly be honest with me, not just “leave him” or “he doesn’t love you.” I genuinely want to understand this.

— Believe

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