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Before we got married, when my husband was just a boyfriend, he and my mother were best of paddies. Anytime he came around, my mother did everything to ensure that he was feeling at home. She would cook for him, serve him and after eating, my mom would come around and clear the table. My mother called him soldier one (because he’s a soldier) and he’ll respond, “Asiw one.” My mom would salute him and he’ll walk to my mom and correct her salute. He’ll say something like, “Your salute is looking miserable. Turn your hand that way.”

They were so cool I couldn’t feel anything but admiration towards their relationship. It was my mother who encouraged him to get married to me as early as possible after we had dated for about a year. She wasn’t pressuring him. She was making sure the right thing was done. All this while, my dad was very indifferent. He didn’t hate him but he never got involved with him. They’ll talk alright but it was always brief and straight to the point.

As fate would have it, we got married when my husband sensed that he might be sent away on a mission. He said, “If it happens, I wouldn’t know when I would return so it’s better we get married before they sent me away.” So, in the presence of family and friends, and well-wishers, we got married somewhere in July 2019.

In February this year, I gave birth. When I gave birth, it was my husband who called my mom on the phone and asked if she could come and help me take care of the child. My mom didn’t object. As early as possible, she packed her things and joined us. That was when all the issues between my husband and my mom started.

One evening, my husband came back from work and got served with rice and stew. Immediately he saw the food he got angry. He asked, “You people, didn’t you tell me that you were going to cook fufu? What is this rice for?” Before I could say anything, my mom jumped in, “Is rice not food?” My husband answered, “It’s not food, it looks like gravels.” It was my mom who cooked the food. She felt insulted. My husband on the other hand felt deceived. He knew it was fufu so when he was coming, he drank something—alcohol, to face the fufu.

That day, my mom spoke very angrily to him but when he realized my mom was getting angry, he calmed down and apologized to her. My mom pretended she was Ok with the apology but for so many days she nagged about it. She was in pain that her in-law will speak to her that way.

Another time it was a little confrontation between me and my husband. My husband said something like, “Change that the stinking character you came to the marriage with else we ‘ll always have problems.” I didn’t say anything to him. My mom snapped. She shouted, “What do you mean she has a stinking character? If you have a fight with your wife, you don’t have to fight in my presence. To tell her that she has a bad character in my presence is an insult to me and my husband. Do you mean we didn’t raise our daughter well? You, were you raised well enough to come and question my daughter’s character?” It turned into an exchange of words between them

Nothing I said would calm my mother down. The next day, she called my father and reported it to him. She said, “That guy shouldn’t have been made to marry my daughter. He doesn’t have anything, yet walks around yelling instructions and disrespecting everyone here.”  My baby was only two months old but I wanted to send my mother away. I felt the fight was becoming too much and I felt she’ll continue picking sides as far as I’m involved.

Two weeks later, there was another fight. A little over a week later, another fight. There was never a calm moment in the house. My husband always came home drank so he could speak his mind freely to my mother. My mother could be laughing all day but immediately it’s 4pm, she’ll start to frown knowing very well that my husband would be coming home at that time. My husband would come home and ask, “Who cook today’s food?” If I tell him it’s my mom, he’ll say, “Cook a different food for me, I won’t eat this.” My mom will jump up, “How much is your chop money that you’ll come here and be ordering another food? She won’t cook anything. Deal with it.”

We lived in a very small room so no matter what, these two people will come across each other. So finally, my dad called my mom to return home. Before she left, she told my husband, “I’ll never in my life recognize you as an in-law. I regret allowing you to marry my daughter.” My husband responded, “That’s your daughter, you can carry her along.” My mom got home and the fight didn’t end there. She called my phone one day and my husband picked. Immediately she heard his voice, another fight ensued. I was asleep but I could hear my husband shouting loudly on the phone.

I took the phone and told my mom, “Why are you like that? Must you always fight? Don’t you know how to forgive and live your life?” She said, “You’re picking the side of your husband? I’ve always fought for you but you have the gut to pick sides with the enemy?” She cried on the phone. I was restless. She told my dad about it. She told him she had disowned me. That very night, my husband also said, “Your mother will never step a foot in my house and you’ll never talk to her on the phone again. She’s the one poisoning your mind but if you’ll disobey, you’ll pack up your things and follow her.”

Nursing mothers bring their mother’s around to help them have some peace but I brought my mother to give me a little bit of hell. Anytime I went to the hospital and they checked my BP, it was always up there. I didn’t sleep well and I couldn’t eat well. My mom was away but was able to give me hell. She called my two sisters and told them she had disowned me. She told anyone who could listen that I’ve picked sides with my husband to kick her out of our house. Every single day, a new person would call my phone to tell me what my mother said.

READ ALSO: How Do I Tell My Mom’s Boyfriend That I Don’t Want A Relationship With Him?

Weeks ago, I decided to go home and settle things with her. My husband said, “If you dare go out of this house, it’s the end of us. Allow your mother to disown you. I like it that way. She can’t be interfering in our lives again.” I’ve explained things to him. I’ve said everything. That I can’t allow my mother to carry around that perception that I picked your side. He asked, “So you mean you’ve picked her side?” I said, “Not that. I’m on the side of you both but what is right had to be done.” He said, “It’s either you’re on my side or her side. You can’t be for us both. Choose. Go and come no more or stay so we can rebuild.”

Now I’m hanging in here. I’ve reported to our pastor. Last he called and said, “I called your mom and immediately I said it was about the issues between you guys, she cut the line. Your husband said I shouldn’t call him again if it’s about the issue of your mom.”

My dad has washed his hands off the issue. Now I’m left alone not knowing what else to do. I need my mom. I need my husband. I know if I go home and talk to my mom, I could get something out of her. She’s my mom. She loves me and had done everything for love but now, she doesn’t pick my calls and my husband is also not ready to soften his stands. What Should I do?

–Emelia

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