My boyfriend wants to marry me. In fact, he was the one who started talking about marriage first, and because of that, I naturally began asking questions about our future and all the little things that come with it. During one of our conversations, he suddenly called me selfish. I even looked behind me because I honestly thought he was talking about someone else, but he laughed and said, “Why are you looking behind you? I’m talking about you.”

I asked him why he would call me selfish, and he said, “You don’t allow us to get intimate, nothing at all.” Then he nodded his head as if to confirm that yes, in his eyes, that truly makes me selfish.

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Before we even started dating, I had already made this clear to him. I informed him from the very beginning that nothing sexual was going to happen between us until we officially became husband and wife. It was a vow I made to myself a long time ago. The conversation ended there, but my mind did not rest afterwards.

That night, I could not sleep because my head was full of thoughts and confusion, so I called my girlfriends and explained everything to them. Instead of understanding my side, they all said the same thing almost word for word, as though they had attended the same meeting before speaking to me. They told me I was being childish and immature. From their pot of wisdom, intimacy is normal in every relationship, especially when the man already plans to marry you. One of them even said, “Just give it to him, after all he is your future husband.”

The truth is, giving in would not even be difficult for me physically, but emotionally it would mean breaking a vow I made to myself many years ago. I have carried this personal conviction through every relationship I have ever had, and I have protected it for so long because it means something deeply personal to me. It is not just about sex. It is about discipline, values, faith, and the promise I made to myself long before any man entered my life.

My boyfriend believes that because he intends to marry me someday, I should not have a problem being intimate with him now, but that is exactly where my issue lies. If marriage is truly the goal and he believes we will spend forever together, then why is waiting becoming such a burden for him? Why fight so hard for something that he believes will eventually belong to both of us for the rest of our lives? In my mind, waiting until we are officially married before God would make everything feel more meaningful, peaceful, and right. I have held onto my values for too long to throw them away simply because people around me think I am old fashioned.

Now everybody I speak to is saying the same thing. They keep telling me all men are like that and that I will never find a man who would willingly wait. Some even make it sound as though refusing automatically means I do not  love him.

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Honestly, I do not know what to think anymore. Part of me is wondering if I am being too rigid, while another part of me feels like if a man truly loves and respects me, then he should also respect the values I have chosen to live by. So now I keep asking myself, should I give in just because everyone says it is normal, or should I keep waiting for someone who genuinely understands where I am coming from?

—Mercy

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