My boyfriend is the last born in a family of seven children, and as fate would have it, he is the only son among them. We have been together for six years now. During those six years, he lost both parents, one after the other. First, it was his mother. Before he could even fully recover from that pain, his father also passed away. Watching him go through that kind of grief changed something in him completely.  Suddenly, he became “the man of the house”. The only son. The one everybody looked at whenever family matters came up. The one expected to carry the family name, protect the family property, and somehow hold everyone together. We were still in school when he lost both his parents, and it took a heavy toll on him. But if there is one thing I admire about him, it is the strength he had to let himself grieve instead of pretending to be unaffected.

Now we are done with school, done with national service, and standing at the doorway of adulthood where everyone is expected to find work and start building a future. But this is where our lives have started pulling in different directions.

He does not want to leave his hometown and come to the city to look for a job. He says he wants to stay back and protect the family land. I do not understand it. Protect it from who? Nobody is trying to steal the land. Nobody is fighting him over inheritance. At least, that’s what I know. The land has existed for years and will continue to exist. In my mind, land is something you can always buy again later when life becomes stable financially. I even spoke to his sisters because I thought they would encourage him to move forward and think bigger. Instead, they support him completely. They believe he should stay there, farm the land, make sales, and build some kind of family legacy from it.

The problem is that the farming is not working. The profits are inconsistent. Some months there is nothing to show for the effort. Sometimes crops fail. Sometimes buyers delay payment. Sometimes the money disappears into family responsibilities before anything meaningful can be saved.

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I am the one supporting him most of the time. I pay for haircuts, clothes, food, and data bundles whenever I can. Meanwhile, I live in the city and I have a job. It is not my dream job, but it pays enough for me to survive and support my family.

Now this man says he is ready to settle down. He wants marriage. He wants children. He wants me to leave my job and move back home with him to start a family in his late parents’ house, the same place where he believes he is building a legacy.

I have savings, and I know they are enough for us to start a good business, but when I think deeply about it, fear begins to grow inside me. What if I move there and the business fails? What if everything collapses? What happens to my career? What happens to my growth as a person? I did not work this hard just to settle for survival and mediocrity.

I tried to reason with him. I advised him, “Nana, why don’t you lease the land to someone and come to the city? We can start a business together. You can manage the business while I continue working. Later, when you find a stable job, we can employ someone to help us run things.”

He completely brushed me off.

There was even a time job openings came up at my company. We submitted his certificates and he was selected, but he never showed up.

At this point, I am seriously thinking about letting him go and starting over with my life. But then another thought follows me everywhere. I have invested so much into this relationship. I supported his house project. I stood by him through grief, uncertainty, and struggle.

If I leave, what do I even tell people?

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My family knows him. My friends know him. Even my pastor knows him. He has become part of my life in every visible way. But deep down, I know something does not sit right with me. I cannot promise to go where he goes and stay where he stays when I no longer believe in the direction he is taking. I am not even certain his people will become my people, or that his God will become my God.

—Grace

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