Pregnancy was very hard for me. It was traumatic, I should say. I didn’t feel like eating or being with anyone. Little things got me angry quickly and my perception of scent was at an all-time high. My husband’s breath stunk so much that I didn’t want to get close to him, but I didn’t tell him that was how I was feeling. When he wanted to kiss me, I pushed him away. In bed, I didn’t want him to face me.
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In the final trimester, I suffered a lot of sickness and that made it hard for us to be intimate. I remember I had returned from the hospital once and he tried to touch me a few hours later. I was so angry that if I had the strength, it would have turned into a physical assault. “I just came back from the hospital suffering because of this,” I said, pointing to my tummy, “and all you think about is intimacy? Are you a horse?”
From that day, he left me alone. He didn’t express anger or even act in a way that suggested he was angry. He slept in the hall, which favored me because I wouldn’t have to deal with his bad breath. Sometimes I did my best to entertain his touches, but it was hard for me. Finally, I gave birth and came back to normal. A few weeks after birth, I didn’t perceive his bad breath again. I was no longer hyper or getting sick, but five months after delivery my husband hadn’t touched me or even drawn close to me.
It took seven months for us to do anything meaningful in terms of intimacy. I had to initiate it while he told me we should postpone it until dawn because he was tired. I forced it and it happened for a few minutes. It wasn’t awesome, but I could take it like that. I told him I was back to normal and we could start being intimate again. “We don’t have to go all these months without it. You know how much we both adore this.”
He didn’t say no and he didn’t say yes. It took us almost three more months before I forced it to happen again. I was getting worried. If I didn’t initiate it, he wouldn’t initiate it. When I did, I had to force him, sometimes practically pushing through and doing it myself. I thought he was still fighting me or paying me back for how I treated him during pregnancy. I apologized to him for everything that happened during pregnancy. “It wasn’t intentional. My hormones were all over the place and I was sick very often too.”
He would watch me talk and talk without any response from his end, but go ahead and starve me as if I wasn’t the same woman he married. He made me doubt myself. Maybe I was no longer appealing to him. Or maybe I was too big down there and he didn’t enjoy it with me anymore. I begged him to tell me what the issue was. He said he was fine and didn’t feel like doing it every day like we used to. I said, “I’m not asking for it every day. I’m saying we should at least live like a married couple. Three to six months without it? That’s too hard.”
He still didn’t change. I decided to also go with the flow and rather concentrate on our baby. One night, I had finished bathing when he entered the bathroom. I prepared myself and opened my legs while waiting for him to come out of the bath. Several minutes later, he still wasn’t coming out. I could hear the sound of the shower, but it had been on for so long without stopping. I told myself, “Why not get naughty today? After all, what?”
So I took my towel and decided to join him in the shower. My husband was standing under the shower and taking matters into his own hands with the shower gel in one hand. He was so focused on the pleasure that he didn’t sense my presence. I watched his hand go up and down on himself for a few seconds before I spoke. “So this is the reason you can go seven months without touching me? Your hands are better than the natural thing?”
He stopped and froze but was still holding himself in his hand. I banged the door and left. He stayed there for what felt like eternity until he eventually came to bed. I was expecting to hear an apology or some explanation. He just came to bed, pulled the cloth over himself, and slept off.
Currently, we are in our second month after that incident and I don’t see any change coming. Because I caught him once, he now locks the washroom door whenever he enters. I presume he continues with the pleasure he gets from his own hands. I hate to talk about divorce at this point in our marriage. We have a child growing beautifully and we have a young marriage to protect so our child can grow in a conducive environment.
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What can I do to bring a change to my situation? To me, he’s punishing me for what happened during pregnancy and luckily for him, he’s found something to sustain him while he punishes me. Should I bring in a third party, likely his dad? And how long before I call it enough is enough?
There’s nothing you can do at the moment.. look for an alternative too..
That’s very dangerous advise, Gladys! There’s no alternative in marriage but each other. Fighting and resenting your husband will only make things worse. He has slipped and needs your help to get back on track. Encourage him and purpose to win the fight against his hands. You may consider therapy as well.
Hmmmm
I always say there’s a lacuna in the counselling we receive before marriage or the church in general. The way a woman’s body functions during and before menstruation. During pregnancy and a few months post partum should be taught so men can understand.
The time most husbands cheat or take matters in their own hands is when their wives are pregnant.
Keep fighting for your marriage. Don’t give up.