That morning, he went out to get breakfast for me before leaving for work. While he was gone, something, spirit, instinct, call it what you want, nudged me. I don’t know what it was, but I listened. That was the first time in my life I had ever done such a thing. My intention was never to go looking for something that would hurt me. Never.

But tucked at the back of his wardrobe was an envelope. I hesitated, I thought about it, but I opened it.

Inside was a long list of items for an engagement ceremony, fabrics, panties, cookware, bars of soap, everything numbered and specified. Someone had sat down and written this out with care and intention. My hands shook as I folded it back neatly and placed it exactly where I found it, then I sat on the bed with my heart racing. No one told me to open it, no one told me to look, and so I did not know who to share this story with at that instant. He was still not back with the food, and in those few minutes disappointment and rage poured through me.

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I was angry because that list was not from my family, angry because I have been talking marriage with him for months, asking where we are headed, asking if we are building something real or just drifting. Every inquiry was met with silence, every hope brushed aside and deflected, so I learned to walk at his pace. My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to a year.

That is why the list shocked me, that is why I wanted to know where it came from.

When he returned, I asked, and he said it was not for him. He claimed it was for a friend, that he had driven with this friend to the family’s place, and the list was left in his car so he kept it. He insisted it was not his, and he grew angry that I had gone through his belongings, furious that I had crossed a line. He shouted about rights and privacy, but I could not shake the thought.

I am feeling different waves of emotions right now. If you ask me what I think, I would say I have heard similar stories before. Men hiding, men planning, men living double lives. Maybe my boyfriend is planning to marry someone else, maybe he is that kind of man, thoughtless and vain and greedy, the kind who wants to eat his cake and still have it.

I am in disbelief, and maybe this is a sign, a warning, a voice telling me to run as fast as my legs can carry me before my eyes see what my mouth cannot say.

But what do you think? Is the excuse proper? Do I dig and find out exactly what the truth is, or do I leave it at that? Do I stay in the relationship until the truth slaps me in the face?

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Honestly, the excuse is plausible. It is the kind of thing that actually happens. A friend’s list, left in a car. It is not impossible. People do that. Life is casual and forgetful and lists get misplaced. So yes, it could be true. So do I dig, or do I walk away before the slap comes?

Tima

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