I took the man I want to marry home, and my parents said no. No because he didn’t have the qualities they wanted in a man, especially his tribe. I told my dad, “I’m the one going to live with him for the rest of my life, so why don’t you allow me to choose?” He told me my voice was a voice of folly and I needed to listen to the wisdom coming from him.

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My mom sat me down for hours, telling me why I didn’t have to disobey my dad and how they wanted the best for me as their only daughter. I told her, “You want the best for me, but I’ve lived with myself for twenty-eight good years. Don’t you think I know the best for myself too after all these years?”

When I didn’t listen to them and told them I would go ahead and marry him, my dad called me and said he would not attend our wedding and wouldn’t allow my mom or any of my siblings to attend. Whoever attends my wedding would be disowned and banished from the family, and they would not be allowed near his dead body.

He was very loud and angry that his only daughter was being disobedient to him. I said, “That’s fine. I will go ahead and do it without any of them.” My dad said, “You’re no longer my daughter. I’ve taken my name from you even before you take that silly man’s name. Don’t ever come close to us again.”

Maybe he thought I would shiver and run back to him, but I didn’t. My boyfriend was scared. He thought it was too dangerous to go through marriage without the support of my family and parents. I told him, “We sought their support, and they turned their backs on us. What do you want me to do, abandon you and run to them?”

So we went to see my boyfriend’s father and told him the whole story. He was shocked. He thought my story couldn’t happen in the century that we were in. So he asked for my dad’s phone number but later decided to go and visit him and talk to him man to man.

He went there and mentioned my name to my dad, and my father said he didn’t know anyone by that name. He swore he didn’t have a female child. He said, “All my children are males. They are four. I can bring them all here and you’ll know I don’t have a girl child.”

How would he talk to a man who doesn’t know me? So he came back to tell me my father’s mind is made up and it’s dangerous, the position he’s taken. I told him, “There’s no danger in his position than the danger he wants to put me in. I want to marry your son, and nothing is stopping me.”

Because of my dad and his position, my other siblings pulled away from me. When I called them, they didn’t pick up. When I texted and they had to reply, it came with many insinuations that felt like I didn’t belong with them. I slept with tears in my eyes. My heart was so heavy I could feel it weighing me down.

My boyfriend decided we should give it one year and see if my dad would change his mind. That one year meant I had to go to my dad and make peace with him and see if he would change his mind. I tried calling, but he didn’t pick up my calls. My mom did, and I told her I was suspending the marriage to see if I could get my dad to support it. When my mom told my dad about me, he said he wouldn’t accept me back as long as I had that man in my life.

My boyfriend had an opportunity to travel abroad even before the year we gave ourselves had materialized. I was at the airport with him when he was about to fly out. He asked me to make him a promise that I would do everything to get my family to agree. I told him, “That’s not my call to make, but I will wait for him.”

He was away for a year, but my family was still keeping me at arm’s length. I wasn’t bothered about them that much. I kept living my life and loving the man God has placed in my life. One day when he called, he said, “Do you know I can bring you here to join me? Once you’re here, we can marry here and maybe that will change your dad’s mind.”

It took me close to two years to be able to fly out of the country to join him, and right after joining him, COVID happened. It was difficult for us, seeing everything that was happening. It was hard for me to get a job. He also lost his job. I remember apologizing to him for bringing bad luck to him because everything started right after I joined him.

I was abroad for close to a year, and my family didn’t know I was out of Ghana. When the world came back to normal, we got married. I sent photos to my siblings, all four of them. It was the one who came right after me, Elvis, who replied and asked where we got married. I told him I was in Spain, and he was so happy for me. He said, “That’s all. Let dad die with his pride.”

My dad got to know about my wedding and the fact that I had relocated. It didn’t soften his heart. When our first child was five years old, we came to Ghana. He sent a message that he wouldn’t want to see us. Currently, I have three children and have been together for nine  years, but my family still doesn’t talk to me, and I also don’t talk to them. Elvis is very receptive, but he does it in a way the rest won’t know.

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I’m fine with my life now. I’m happy in a marriage I fought hard for, and I’m happy about the family I’m raising currently. My husband is now a citizen of this country, so all of us are citizens. But sometimes the truth hits me very hard—that my parents don’t know my children and might never meet them until they die. I picture my dad playing with my kids and how beautiful it looks. I see in my imagination my mom teaching my daughter our local language because she’s all about our language.

These things can’t be my reality, and sometimes it stings me, but it’s not my fault. Life and the way we live it have brought me this far. I will pretend it doesn’t hurt so I can have a happy day tomorrow.

—Elfreda

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