I keep asking myself: should I force my child’s father to take responsibility? And if I do, could it become a problem for my current relationship, especially since I’m getting married in the next few months?
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People often blame single mothers for maintaining a bond with their baby daddies, but I want to be very clear: I have nothing with him and I do not want anything to do with him. He does not call to check on our child, and he does not send money or offer support of any kind.
It’s not as if he didn’t want the baby. We were in a relationship when I became pregnant. Abortion was never an option for us, so we prayed for strength and trusted God to provide everything our baby needed. At the time, he was working, though his income was unstable, so most of the responsibility fell on my mother and me. We held on, hoping for a brighter future. Unfortunately, the relationship wasn’t working, and we eventually parted ways.
The relationship lasted three years, yet it took so much from me. It took me a long time to bring myself back together to look in the mirror and feel beautiful again, to regain the flesh on my body and the strength in my bones. I had to relearn how to exist without pain being my daily companion.
What hurts the most is that I truly thought he was wise someone who knew right from wrong. But he has never chosen what is right, and that angers me deeply. I never imagined that an educated man could eat, sleep, and live comfortably without ever wondering whether his own son had eaten. Yet he goes around telling his girlfriends that he has a son, while telling his family that he doubts the child is his.
They say every man cheats, but his type of cheating was the kind that slowly destroys you. It was the obsessive kind the kind where girlfriends would call me, asking me to stay away from their man. The kind that made me compare myself to these women, admire their beauty, and feel as though they somehow deserved him more than I did. Over time, it shattered my confidence. He made me believe he was doing me a favor by staying, that no one would ever want a single mother if I left.
He never abused me physically, but the emotional and mental abuse was enough. It was like taking “slim tea” every day slowly draining me. I cried more than an I should have. And when I finally found the courage to leave, I didn’t just walk away I ran for my life.
After the breakup, he also stopped sending money for the child. He doesn’t check on him, even though he isn’t far away. My son doesn’t live with me full-time but stays with my mother. Some people advised me to take action and force him to take responsibility, but I’ve always believed that you shouldn’t have to force someone especially a well-educated man to care for his own child.
As I am typing this, he is working and earning well, but he has never sent a single dime to us. I’ve never gone back to him for help because every attempt after the breakup resulted in quarrels. The last time I reached out, I had nothing for my son the following day. When I called him, he was already on another call. Shortly after, he blocked my number and also blocked my mother’s line.
That was when I decided to stand on my own. I worked hard and took full responsibility for my child. He was one year old then; now he’s four. Today, I work in the government sector, earn comfortably, and take care of my son without his involvement. He, on the other hand, does not care. He continues to deny responsibility and spread doubt about paternity, while I choose silence and peace. I don’t even know his current whereabouts.
So I ask myself: Should a man be forced to take care of his child?
And what if he suddenly decides to show up later when the child is grown?
I don’t want my past to disturb my present or my future. This situation bothers me deeply, and I truly need direction. My fiancé believes the child’s father should be forced to take responsibility. My family believes I should let him be and focus on raising my son, which is what I want to do. Others say he may come back one day or that my son may ask questions about
him.
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I’ve even thought about telling my child that his father is dead, just to protect him from disappointment and confusion.
How do I go about this? I want to do what is best for my child, protect my peace, and safeguard the family I am building without reopening old wounds or inviting unnecessary drama into my life.
—Myra
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Look for ur boy’s daddy with ur fiance if he wants 2 involve, let him noe ur plans of cutting him off with both traditional n legal backing so he won’t ever be stumbling block in ur happiness or future. Do ur possible means 2 find him n do this even if u r solely 2 take care of ur own boy without ur fiancé’s support.
He doesn’t want any future wahala biaaa reasons of his submission. He wouldn’t take full support then one dead beat father claims responsibilities he never acted on
At a glance, one would agree with you and your family due to the details you have shared (that your son’s father has bailed on his responsibilities for probably THREE to FOUR years).
A thought, however, lingers what your fiancé’s REASON(s) might be for asking that your child’s father steps to the plate now. So ask him. Find out and then know from there if they are ‘valid concerns’.
By ‘valid concerns’, I mean, is it to avoid having to probably be put aside in future after he helps to care for & brings up the child with you (like the above comment suggested)? Or probably something along that line.
Or is it probably due to the idea that he wishes to have you only to himself and start a family exclusive of your son?
You need to have some information on his reasons and think through them clearly before going into the next phase of your life.
Fortunately, you been on top of the situation with your child’s upbringing and your own life with little help from others like the child’s father, so you can do it on your own if push comes to shove.
Hopefully, your fiancé will either see reason of raising your son with any new children you may be blessed with in future.
If he doesn’t, it might not mean he’s a bad person necessarily. It just might not be something he can handle, and that should be okay enough too.
However it goes, choose what’s best for your child and you first. Your child did not ask to be born. You (his parents, unfortunately without the male donor) are responsible for him. You have been a good mother per your narration. It can only get better.
Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong decision, so take your time in deciding.
The best to you, Myra.
You can’t hide the truth from your son forever and when he eventually finds out the truth he may not forgive you. Report your son’s father to social welfare and prevent him from interfering in your lives in the future especially if he fails to live up to his responsibilities.