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When the time came for us to shift our attention to marriage, we discussed a lot of things concerning how we were going to live our lives as a married couple. That was when the issue of our finances came up. We were two young people who didn’t have so much to our names. We started dating when the two of us were not working. We dated for two years before I had a job. A year or so later, he also had the job of his dreams

We had love. We had jobs. Every month comes with a salary so what else can we wait for? We decided to make our relationship official. Since we both didn’t have much money in our names we decided to contribute money whenever we had to buy something. Where we live now, we contributed 50/50 to be able to afford it. During our wedding, we split the items into two. He bought the things the man ought to buy and I paid for other things a woman could also pay for.

So, it became the understanding that whatever came our way, we’ll join forces together and make it work. We have a joint account too where we both contribute the same amount to it each month. It was fun. We were a team of equals. We always did things that complement the strength of each other and for a very long time, we were good.

He was the only child and his mother raised him as both female and a male. There’s no food he can’t cook so in the house, he was always in the kitchen with me. There’s a way he likes things to be arranged and there’s some level of neatness and orderliness he requires in the house. He doesn’t bother me with those things. He’ll get up and fix what’s broken every day. So, he’ll scrub whiles I’m sweeping or he’ll arrange the kitchen while I’m washing. He’s that man who gets things done. His friends called him “Kojo Besia” while they were in school so you can understand.

Our marriage is currently four years old. A lot has changed so I expect us to change some rules so both of us can have leverage around the house. For instance, over the years my husband had been promoted twice and each promotion came with a salary increment. I haven’t been promoted because the structures where I work are so rigid someone had to leave or die before you’ll be pushed upward and that doesn’t happen often. So I’ve stayed the same with very little salary adjustment yet we still split the bills into equal halves in the house.

When we renewed our rent, I had to go into my personal savings to withdraw everything there to be able to afford that 50% but my husband paid his half without breaking any sweat. He’ll pay the children’s fees very easily but when it gets to my turn, I have to pour everything in my savings out to be able to pay that. Life’s very difficult for me while my husband gets everything on a silver platter. I don’t remember the last time I bought something beautiful for myself or for my mother but he does that so easily.

So one day I brought his attention to it; “Dear, you’ve grown in all areas of your life since we got married. You are paid triple my salary yet we share everything 50/50 around here. I’m your wife and I want to plead with you to consider certain things. I’m not asking you to pay more. I’m begging you to take up certain responsibilities by whole so my burden would be reduced.” He asked, “What do you want me to do?” I said, “You’re in a position where you can pay rent for the family. Please pay. You’re in the position to pay the fees of the kids. Please do. Just these two for now.”

He asked, “If I do all that, what would you do with your money?” I said, “You know my salary. Even when these things are off my chest, I still have very little left.” He said, “I’ll see what I can do.” So, for the next three terms, I didn’t pay fees and he paid. I was resting assured that he’ll renew our rent too just as he accepted. Then rent was due. He came to ask me for my half and I said, “I thought we agreed…” He wouldn’t let me land when he said, “We didn’t agree on anything. I’m the one paying fees of the kids so what are you doing with your money?”

Since then, if it’s a handkerchief this man will buy for the house, he would berate me for weeks; “I’m the one paying for everything around here, even a match stick if I don’t buy, we won’t have fire in this house.” One day his parents visited and while we were seated watching TV, the light went off. He screamed, “So this house if I don’t pay for something it means the house can’t run? Then he turned to his mother and complained, “I’m suffering oo. I have to provide for everything in this house while ‘they’ use their money on their family.

I just got up, went out, and bought the prepaid. I was so embarrassed I cried on my way. I couldn’t look his parents in the face for the rest of their visit. The day his parents left, I called to ask why he said that and he responded, “But what I said was true? Am I not the one who provides everything around here? Don’t I have the right to say the truth again?” I said, “You created an impression that would make your parents think ill of me and that’s what I’m trying to draw your attention to.” He would have none of that. He walked over and left the house.

I don’t have a problem paying 50/50 but I’ve been stagnated for a while now, even that, I do my best with what I earn. The last straw that broke me was when my mother fell sick recently. She had been sick for a long time and it has affected my finances so I went to him for a loan. It’s a loan I went for. I didn’t ask him to pay my mother’s bill or ask him to give me free money. I said I will pay later and he gave me the amount. A week ago, we had a little misunderstanding and he brought the money he gave me into the issue; “Had it not been me, your mother would have been dead by now. Know that fact and give me the optimum respect.” The issue at stake had nothing to do with respect yet he found a way of rubbing that in. That day, I told him my mind. I really did.

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I’ve had it up to my neck and it was about all I could take. I said, “They say when a man gets small money, he forgets about his beginning and where it all started.” Because of this statement, he doesn’t talk to me. He comes home with a takeaway bowl and a bottle of coke and eats. When I ask him a question or say something to him, he pretends he doesn’t hear me. I woke him up at dawn to apologize to him and this man gave me the dress down of my life.

Now I’m in a fix. I don’t know where this marriage is going. I look at him and I get scared. He looks like he’s planning something—something evil. He’s always pensive and absent-minded. I’d wanted to bring his parents in the matter but it would be worse, I know. I can’t bring the pastor in because he had warned me about that some time ago. That no matter the issue we have between us, I should not dare bring a third party in. I’m tired of his silence and the truth is my love for the marriage is waning by the day. I wish I knew what to do to bring sanity back into my marriage before I get to the point where I give up.

–Liz

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