My heart is filled with a fear. The fear that I might one day end my life. I am tired of carrying everything. I am tired of carrying the evil I have been through, the bad, the ugly and all of it.

I fear I might end my life without anyone knowing why. No one would hear about the silent battles I have fought or the extreme pain I have endured my entire life. I am a young Christian lady who has believed and trusted God since I was a little child.

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One of the most painful things is having faith in God and seeing nothing good happen. You trust God and no good thing comes your way. You pray, fast, sow seeds, and declare God’s goodness, yet you have nothing to show for it. You seek first the kingdom of God and its righteousness, yet the other things are never added unto you.

The truth is, I followed God not because I wanted earthly things, but because I wanted Him to save me. Over the years, it seems I have been on my own. It seems God never cared about that little girl of eight who sincerely loved Him. That little girl who would refuse to eat until she walked the long distance to church to sweep, clean, and arrange chairs. She would sit humbly at the back, waiting for the other kids to show up.

I grew up believing that faith, humility, respect, and hard work would bring blessings. But if you look at my life, you would never want to be any of those things. There is nothing good about my life that proves God cares about me, or ever has.

I came from a poor, broken home and lived with an abusive, aggressive father. I have had my fair share of what this ugly, wicked life has to offer. I am 34 now and I am tired. I am so tired. I wish I could scream right now.

For many years, I have tried my hand at many things. I pray and commit everything into God’s hands, yet it fails. I am hardworking. I serve people and take care of their business as if it were my own, yet nothing good comes my way. The more I serve others, the more I move backwards.

I have prayed. God knows I have prayed to no one else but Him. I have sown seeds secretly and openly. I do charity work. My mother was a humble servant and I learned that from her. But I feel stuck.

I once wrote a book to motivate others, but it failed. No matter how hard I advertised, it did not sell. I even lowered the price. I ended up giving it away for free and ran at a loss. I had to take a loan from my office to cover my debts. At this age, I feel stuck. It is hard to believe that someone who believed in God from an early age could grow up to become a nobody.

Where is God? Where is my God?

One day, I traveled to Accra because that is where the money is. I just wanted a better place for myself. But for seven years, nothing good has come from it.

The worst part is what happened on my way there. I had even said a word of prayer to God for my journey. But then the worst thing happened; I was graped. I have never felt so much shame in my entire life

I want to know, is this how everybody’s life is? Am I the only one who did not get lucky as a Christian?

When I open my mouth, I speak life. I believe there is power in the tongue, so I speak positively into other people’s lives. I motivate and encourage them, and they become better. People see me as a woman of God, an Osofo Maame.

But unfortunately, I have become nothing. I constantly borrow or beg my younger siblings and friends for financial help. I am always happy for others, but I do not know when people will be happy for me.

When I was 15, I was attacked by a strange sickness. I battled it for almost 10 years, but I did not give up on God. I kept holding on to my faith, believing He would take care of all my needs.

I was diagnosed with depression at 17 at Ankaful Psychiatric Hospital. Then, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder at 30. I have a very painful sore in my stomach that I have lived with for about 8 years. This illness keeps me broke. I live on drugs. I have tried every medication, foreign and local, yet it does not get better. I have prayed about this illness, sown seeds for it, declared healing, yet it acts as if it does not fear God. I fear I might die from this sickness. God might never heal me. I buy drugs with the little money I make from my private teaching job.

Where is God? Where is the God of Israel? Why is my life like this?

I completed tertiary school 10 years ago, but you would not believe how many times I have been rejected for good jobs. I have dealt with a lot of disappointments. The most recent one is a managerial position I just lost. I thought it was God saying “this is your time,” but once again, I lost it.

The most painful part is the loss of my mother. She didn’t have much but, she was a caring woman, my only source of inspiration. She believed in me, prayed for me, and wished me well. She supported me when I had nothing. She fed me and gave me a place to lay my head. But she died.

I wonder what else life wants to throw at me. This time, I am tired.

Is There A Perfect One Out There For Everyone?

The pain and disappointments are becoming my everyday life. I feel so overwhelmed.

I feel disappointed, but I do not know if I am disappointed in my life, in life itself, or in God.

I am not perfect. I know God loves every sinner, but I feel like I am the only sinner God hates the most. I laugh a lot, but behind my smile is a story you will never understand. I just want to let my pain out and let my tears flow. I am a broken Christian. My smile hides a thousand tears.

I am so broken that I am no longer sure what I want in this life. All I want from God is for him to give me a better life.  Not situations that keep breaking me and messing my life up. But that is what I always get.

—Martha

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