We were married for six years. He died three days before our wedding anniversary while I was carrying our first child. It was his dream to have a baby girl as his first child because “ladies first.” Mine was to bring forth what pleased him after going through a lot together to have a child.

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While the world questioned why we hadn’t been able to have a child, he told everyone that we were enough. There was not a single day that I woke up worried about the fact that I didn’t have a child. He made life easy for me. He made me comfortable. He made himself my home, a place where I could hide when the world got hostile.

I lost a job, had a job, and lost it again, but I never had a reason to worry about money, sustenance, or life. He was always there, telling me life gets better when we live it a day at a time. When he wasn’t around, I felt lonely, but now I have to wake up every day to this silence, this emptiness surrounded by walls that say nothing to me.

I never once thought I was going to live this life for a day without him. I was next to his side when he called for water, with his hands placed on his chest. The time was 12:33 a.m. I turned on the light, and he was sweating. “Babe, what’s wrong with you?” I asked with a tone of fear. “My heart,” he answered.

It was the same heart he used to love me that failed him. I wish he never had a heart. Because if he didn’t, what could have failed?

I’d never driven a car with him sitting next to me, but that dawn, with my bulging tummy, I sat him next to me and drove him to the hospital. They put an oxygen mask on his face, but his breathing kept dropping. I was next to him all night.

In the morning, I went home to pick up the things he would need. I called his parents and his elder brother. By the time I got back to the hospital, they were there. My husband was asleep, his face peaceful. I was there all day until evening when they gave me a prescription to buy. I came back, and they were covering his face with the bedsheet. He was gone.

He didn’t say goodbye or open his eyes to look at me once. “Life gets better when we live it a day at a time”—so why have I lived life since June, but the pain is still the same? When does it get better? When does this pain subside?

What I’m carrying is a girl. His dream has come to pass, but where is he to experience it?

—Mavis

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