When I met James last year, I wasn’t particularly taken by him. Truly, he is someone I never would have considered getting involved with. He wouldn’t even be anywhere near my circle. But I was curious about him. I wanted to know his story so I would write about him. Now I am here writing about myself and my feelings instead.

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It happened that after months of consistently talking to him, I fell hopelessly in love with him. Those feelings of wanting to belong to him were the beginning of my problems.

He was as smooth as butter in the beginning. He was constantly talking to me. If he wasn’t hearing my voice on a phone call, he would be texting me. He wanted me to tell him everything I was doing if he wasn’t physically present with me. It made me feel he cared. Maybe he wanted me to believe he was that attentive. Maybe he knew that was the only way I would let myself fall for him.

The moment I became his, he showed me other parts of himself that didn’t exist at first. He described it as, “This is who I am.” Then he would add, “If you love me, you will take me as I am.” This true form of his is a nonchalant man.

Even though we’ve been together for a year, we’ve barely grown as a couple. Sure, we’ve had moments of connection, but they’re not much. Most of the time, we are not talking. It’s always been a roller coaster ride with him. One day, everything feels perfect. Then for days, even weeks, my heart is hurting because he has disappeared.

When he finally shows up, he gives me what feels like valid excuses for his absence. If I tell him it doesn’t feel good, he would shrug and say, “This is who I am. Take it or leave it.

If we’re in a relationship, I should be able to account for you every day. That expectation has become my only offence and the root of almost every conflict between us.

When we are not having problems, he makes me happy. He is the one person in my life who doesn’t judge me. I am saying this in terms of my temperament. I must admit that I am not an easy person to be pleased with all the time.

Naturally, I am high-pitched so when we are having a conversation you can easily think I am arguing with you. I’m also quick-tempered. Imagine combining these two traits. Even though on my good days, I am humorous and a delightful company, most people including my own family don’t get me.

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It is James who makes me feel I am fine as I am. He knows me well. He knows what makes me tick and what gets my juices going. He knows I don’t live to judge anyone. If anything, I always try to understand people. He is also like that. It’s one of the reasons he rarely takes offence at my moods and outbursts. If anything, he tries to understand how best he can support me.

Had it not been for his ghosting habits, we would have been perfectly happy. It even annoys me more than anything when he slides back into my life as if nothing has happened.

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He tells me, “You are not being understanding,” when I try to talk to him about how he makes me feel. I know that he expects me to take him as he is, just as he takes me as I am. But his absence hits hard. Am I being difficult when I get upset that he disappears and comes back as if nothing happened? If he wanted me to take him as he is then he should have been this nonchalant right from the start, right?

—Lizzy

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