I’m a woman in my late 20s. I want to believe that I am at an age where parents expect their kids to bring their boyfriends home to discuss marriage. That’s where I have a problem.

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No one has pressured me to bring home a man. Even my older sister, who is three years older than me, is not under pressure to bring a man home. I have never seen her bring anyone home either. Not even a male friend.

My mum is pretty cool. She raised the two of us as a single mother. Growing up, I never saw her bring any man home either. Not even an “uncle”.

Maybe this is why I feel the way I do about relationships. Every time I get into a relationship with a man, I’m overwhelmed by intense shame and guilt. I start to feel like I’m doing something filthy or disgraceful. These feelings weigh so heavily on me that I am unable to shake them off.

The interesting thing is, I only feel this way when I’m around my family, specifically my mum and my sister.

When I am with friends, colleagues, and even elders in my community, I feel free. I can talk about relationships and even share what’s going on in my love life without any problem.

I only feel shame when it comes to my family. I hide everything. It makes being in love so stressful. Something as simple as taking a phone call from my boyfriend becomes difficult. I either decline the call or hide in a corner of my room just so they won’t hear me.

Every time my sister and my mum discuss love and relationships at home, I am not able to contribute to it. In fact, I go numb with embarrassment.

It’s not as if I am out there doing wild things. I’m very responsible. I don’t engage in any reckless behaviour. I try my best to date decent, respectful men. If the relationship starts getting toxic, I end things.

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Genuinely, I have nothing to be ashamed of. So why do I feel this way?

Despite the fact that my mum and sister are not all about men, they don’t scold me or try to control me too much when they notice signs that I might be seeing someone. So I know it’s all in my head.

Sometimes I wish I could move out—not to live a wild life, but just to feel free and not have to hide. But financially, rent is beyond my reach at the moment.

I’ve been single for over a year and a half now. I hope that someday I’ll meet the right man, settle down, and start a family. But how will I do that if I can’t even be honest with my own family? How do I overcome this shame and feel free around them?

I grew up in a very strict Christian household. Could that be the reason for all this? I know I’m old enough to make my own choices, but this shame is truly a thorn in my flesh. I just need advice on how to overcome it.

—Araba

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