I still consider our marriage young. Five years together as a married couple with two children. I love my husband today as I loved him years ago when this journey started. I don’t play with my role as a wife, and he knows he can count on me, come rain or shine. I tell him I love him when the chance presents itself, and he would give me a response that isn’t flattery, like, “I hear you” or “Same here.”
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I want to hear the words from his mouth like he used to say them when our love was new. To me, it’s a confirmation that we haven’t aged in love or gone off track—or that I haven’t done anything to make him love me less. But he won’t say the words or finds clever alternatives, which, to me, still don’t replace what I want to hear.
So I asked him, “Why is it so hard for you to say you love me? You don’t love me anymore, or you think saying it isn’t important?”
He answered, “Leave love for kids. What’s keeping me here isn’t love but duty. We’ve grown past that.”
I haven’t changed his words or put any where he didn’t place them. That’s exactly how he said them, and they pierced through my heart. I’m still made for love. I don’t think age will make me get tired of hearing “I love you.” I tell my kids because I want them to say it back when it matters most. The same way I want to hear it from my husband.
“You don’t love me anymore? Is that what you mean? What’s duty? You mean it’s a chore to love someone you call your wife?”
Yes, I was dramatic when asking these questions because love is drama. It’s a song. It brings out the best in us, and what can surpass the idea of someone loving you, no matter the years spent together?
He responded, “This is not drama, so stop being dramatic and face reality. Do you eat love when you wake up in this house?”
Yes, he does the right things most of the time, so I’d rather think of his actions as coming from love and not duty. So I want to ask the men here: Do you feel the same way toward your partner? You don’t love them because they don’t eat love? But do I also eat duty? What’s even the meaning of duty?
While I’m here, loving him with my whole being, waking up at dawn to cook his meals, paying the kids’ fees as a sign of support, and serving from dawn till dusk out of love, his reason is only duty.
I Was Fine Until I Was Alone In My Room
He does what he does because it’s his duty as a husband, not because of love. He’ll have to come again, or else I’ll drag him to our pastor to go and explain there, so we can pray the spirit of duty away and replace it with love. I want love, not duty.
This isn’t asking for too much, is it?
—Beverly
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Beverly, at a point these men we marry change, what you find attractive or love doesnt appeal to them any more, about 3 years ago, my husband used the same phrase for me after my birthday, he gave me a present on my birthday so the following day as usual went to thank him, only for him to use the phrase, i did that out of duty but not love. i was confused and demanded answers but guess what. i had none and it has been this way since. love your kids, love your self and live life. lots of love from another sis.
It seems we are spoiling this beautiful union God created for humanity to enjoy and feel the Love of God as He loved the Church and gave Himself for. If you can’t love your wife, who else can you love and how then do you make it to heaven, if takes nothing else but Love to enter.
I will like to voice out from this perspective, not in any way defending his choice of words but I believe he meant to say his vows and Convenant to you surpass his emotions for you. There are times where emotions or ‘love’ is not enough, like the context He explained. The only thing that keeps us bonded is our vows to each other . Same way with God and humans. What haven’t we done, but He still loves us though it may seem like it’s all about commandments. “Don’t do this …. etc ”” but behind all these commandments is the love He has for us and He would do anything to and for us according to His will and that makes Him a Just God.
I support, Reginald on this..
I do not agree with the choice of words, however, I’m a married man and I get your husbands point.
The problem is the assumption that duty is not love implicative.
At the core, people only have a sense of duty towards those they love.
Which is why I have a problem with how he said it.
The point is, men were designed to be duty-full, and a lot of times because duty is not emotional, the woman may think it’s not love.
I’m saying, duty is how a man loves.
For example, how does God who is a Spirit, love?
Love is emotional, but why would John tell us about how a Spirit without emotions loved the world?
You may now begin to realize that the love of God was His commitment to die for man when man did not deserve it.
That is the love that Paul now teaches the man to follow in Ephesians 5.
It’s not an “awwwn” or mush/butterfly kinda love, but one that is unreservedly committed to the object of His love.
Jesus wasn’t doing “awwwn” on the cross..
However, wisdom would teach the man that because the object of his love is wired to hear how she is loved, he should learn to communicate it whether or not he feels like it.
For example, Jesus is gone, but He gave us pastors and an entire book that were designed to scream, “I love you, and you are not alone!”
The man needs to learn to communicate not what he doesn’t feel, but what would make the marriage thrive.
However, I do not think he doesn’t love you because he doesn’t say it.
He’ll have to come again, or else drag him to our pastor to go and explain there, we can pray the spirit of duty away and replace it with love. I want love, not duty.
I love your sense of humor 😊
Love is a verb. Love compels duty. Declarations of love without accompanying actions of love (aka duty) is just manipulative.
If you can, work backwards from his actions. He has choses you from among all women to be married to. Are his actions consistent with that choice he made? If so, maybe you can cut him some slack?