Right from the moment I started dating Nana last year, he told me a woman abused him. “I was about eight years old when it started,” he said. The woman in question was a family friend. I asked him exactly what happened but he didn’t want to go into the details. He just shared enough for me to know that he was sexually and physically abused by this woman.
His response to unexpected touch tells me the extent of the trauma this woman from his past has caused him. The first time it happened, I felt awful. I am the kind of person who enjoys playful touches when I’m with someone. I would hug them from behind or gently slap their buttocks just to tease them. I like it when my partner does this to me as well. Unfortunately, we don’t have that kind of vibe in this relationship.
I found out the hard way when I playfully spanked Nana. He flinched so hard I thought he was repulsed by me. “Did I hurt you? Is that why you are looking at me like that?” He shook his head and watched me quietly. It took a while before he told me, “I feel strange when someone touches me without my consent. It has nothing to do with you.”
From that day, he gave me a set of do’s and don’ts. I am not allowed to hug him from behind, let alone stand on tiptoe and kiss his neck from behind. He would tense up, and become withdrawn for a while.
I found it quite challenging to adjust to his triggers at the beginning of the relationship. I would raise my hand with the intention to spank him, only to remember that it would trigger him. Because of his triggers, he also doesn’t spontaneously touch me. Meanwhile, that’s what I like. There was a time I thought, “So I can’t even be playful with my man?” Change doesn’t always come easily, you know.
It’s been a year now, and I am proud of the progress I have made. I have learned all the places I am not supposed to touch and all the ways I have to communicate with him when he is triggered. I have learned to understand him but it doesn’t make it any easier.
He is a computer programmer. Sometimes when I walk in on him sitting in front of his laptop I feel like hugging him and giving him a kiss from behind but a little voice always whispers, “Don’t do that. This man doesn’t like that kind of play.” Then I withdraw. Relationships are not perfect, and if this is the one thing I have to compromise on to make my relationship work, why not?
Three days ago, I served him food. When I fetched water for him to wash his hands, he immersed his hands in the water and brought it out without properly washing them. I watched him pounce on the food with those same hands. So I slapped his thigh lightly and said; “Next time wash your hands well before you eat.” We were supposed to laugh about it together but my man stopped eating and went to lie down.
I was confused. What did I do now? I went to him and practically begged; “Please come and eat your food.” He didn’t mind me. So I went about doing my chores. Thirty minutes later, he came around and spoke to me. “I was triggered when you hit me. That’s why I lost my appetite.
Dating A Narcissist: Lessons From Heartbreak And Abuse
My problem is, I remember all the rules gave me. His thighs weren’t part of the red zone. I am worried. I feel like every day comes with something new when it comes to this childhood trauma of his. I suggested we see a psychologist, so he can heal properly. He says it’s not necessary, and that he is okay. “All you have to do is stick to the rules I gave you and I won’t be triggered.” I don’t see this as a sign of someone who has healed.
I want him to be better so that it can enrich our experience in the relationship. That’s why I am here with our story. What can I do to help him work through his trauma? He is not ready to seek professional help. I am also not sure if the next step I take will scare him and mess up his emotions. How long will I continue walking on eggshells? Please, I need help.
—Araba
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#SB
He’s only being selfish and you’ve also allowed yourself to deny yourself of what you love as your love language.
Ask him, how many ladies will be able to cope with his so called rules which he doesn’t want to work on?
Well, if you can cope with his rules then keep quiet and stay.
If you can’t, then you can equally give him your rules that if he doesn’t allow you to help him seek professional help, then you’re also going to stay away from him.
You’re in a relationship not in parliament house.
If he treats you like this and doesn’t end up settling with you, woara wo jejireje
That’s it….
That’s all.
He is not fit to be in a relationship. He needs to quit and go and heal himself!
Araba I’ll genuinely advise you to walk away before he traumatises you too. He obviously badly needs professional psychiatric help in order to function properly. His long list of prohibitions is a sign that he hasn’t even begun to heal. He refuses to talk about the full extent of his trauma, he refuses to be touched, have the two of you even had sex? He is definitely suffering from a traumatic or stressor related disorder, most likely PTSD. Please urgently persuade him to seek psychiatric help, he needs it in order to function properly. You need it to because you deserve a relationship where you don’t have to stifle yourself and constantly guard your actions
Araba for all you know this guy might be impotent and he’s pretending oooo,
You won’t enjoy this relationship
If he’s refusing to seek therapy then he’s not ready for a meaningful relationship, my dear just advice yourself