I met Kofi when I went to do my internship. Most of the men had tried to get my attention but I didn’t reciprocate their interests. The day Kofi saw me, he was in the company of a woman I knew and respected. She was the one who came to talk to me on his behalf. She sang his praises. “I won’t tell you to get close to a bad man, trust me. Kofi is a junior pastor in my church so I know him very well.” She is the reason I decided to start talking to him. 

Just when I started talking to Kofi, another guy from the workplace approached me. He said he had a cousin abroad who was looking for a wife. He knew about Kofi but he told me, “You don’t have to put all your eggs into one basket. Get to know my cousin too. Then you pray about the two of them and let’s see who God will ask you to choose.” This cousin of his is called Kwame. 

According to Kwame’s cousin, Kwame didn’t want me to know that he lives abroad. Which meant I had to act like I didn’t already know he was abroad. I said no problem. I started talking to Kofi and Kwame. There was a third guy too but I dropped him when I realized all his conversations had to do with my body and how to get me into bed with him.

Kofi and Kwame are both in their thirties. Marriage is in the plans for them. I tried to keep an open mind when it came to the two of them. The only difference was that Kofi was physically present while Kwame was far away. This gave Kofi an advantage. He took me out on dates, and we got to spend a lot of time together. The more we hangout, the closer we got. 

 I prayed about the two of them but I didn’t hear God’s voice. Regardless, I chose Kofi. It made more sense to choose the one who was closer to me. I explained the situation to Kwame and let him know why I was letting him go. He was quite understanding. He even told me, “In case you change your mind I will be here.” He also thanked me for coming clean with him.

My relationship with Kofi started a little someway. I am saying this because he never hid who he was from me. I saw the green flags and the red flags right from the beginning. So I am going to tell the story according to the good and the bad. 

He showed me he is a generous man. That’s his green flag. I never asked him for money but he sent me money frequently. Even when he said he was broke, he still shared the little he had with me. A few weeks into the relationship, he gave me money to support my small business. As the relationship progressed, he gave me a laptop as a birthday gift. 

Another side of him I saw that I liked had to do with his values. We had agreed that we wouldn’t get intimate until marriage. However, the opportunity never presented itself for us to test our resolve until I left for school after the internship ended. His side business brought him to my school’s region twice during the semester. We met and had intimate moments together but we didn’t go all the way.

We just touched and did other things. He didn’t even try to do it. “I am a virgin,” he said, “that’s why I want us to wait until marriage.” This meant a lot to me that a man was not in a hurry to get into my pants.

Now to the red flags. Right from the beginning of the relationship, this guy started speaking ill about my tribe. Nothing he said about them was good, meanwhile, he claimed he loved me. It was a concern for me but the relationship was new and I didn’t want to rock the boat, so I let it slide. 

Another thing that became apparent was his anger issues. I also had anger issues but I was working on it. As for him, he had no intention of changing his ways. So I had to stop getting angry to make room for his anger. That way two angry people wouldn’t be in the relationship.

He was also mysterious when it came to his family. I would ask him questions about his people and he would respond, “I need to trust you first before I open up about my family to you.” If you trust me enough to date me, then why can’t you tell me about your family?

The next thing he brought up was; “I want you to know that you are not going to be entertaining family and friends anyhow after marriage.” I thought he was joking but even if this guy called and I was on the phone with my mother, he would get angry. The same with my friends too. I saw this insane level of jealousy and called it love.

Another thing he enjoyed doing was ghosting me. He believes that as an adult if you offend someone, you should know it without being told. So we would be together peacefully, and he would ghost me out of the blue. I would be plagued with the burden of figuring out what exactly I did wrong. The entire time he would ignore me. When he came back he’d refuse to address the issue. “Let’s just move on from that time,” he would say.

In between his ghosting, he would tell me about all the women who threw themselves at him. In his eyes, I was lucky to have him. 

Despite everything he did, I continued with the relationship hoping he would change. Then something happened to jolt me out of my delusional world. I had finished my last paper for the final semester. My colleagues had organized a lot of finalist parties and dinners. I didn’t want to attend any because I knew my boyfriend wouldn’t like it. 

However, I changed my mind last minute and decided to go. On the day of the dinner I called to tell him about it but we couldn’t talk. When he returned my call I told him. He was silent for a few seconds and then asked if I had money to buy the ticket. I had already bought the ticket but I said no. Then I added that the venue for the dinner was far from my hostel and the program would end around 1:00 AM so I would spend the night at a female friend’s hostel. This time around too, he was quiet for a while.

He asked, “What will happen if you don’t attend this dinner?” I answered, “Nothing, but I attended this school for four years. I want to create memories with my friends before we finally leave campus.” He said okay, and then sent me money. I knew he was angry but I attended my party. 

I expected him to ghost me as usual. He didn’t disappoint. Except this time, he went beyond one week. For two whole weeks, I was blowing up his phone. If he answered my call, he would pretend he didn’t know who I was.

It got to me so badly that I cried. Things got worse between us after that. Even when I got home he continued to ghost me. 

Here is the thing. While I was still giving him plenty of chances, Kwame and his cousin occasionally called to check up on me. Kwame even sent me money to congratulate me for finishing school. Well, Kofi also did the same thing. 

Anyway, while Kofi was giving me space, I had time to reflect on our relationship. All the red flags I ignored became glaring. I told myself, “If I continue with this relationship I will suffer in marriage.” I also prayed about it. And I believe God revealed to me through some recurring dreams that Kofi had to go. 

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The problem is that I don’t have the heart to officially end things with him. He came back acting like the relationship should continue as if nothing happened but I said we couldn’t continue like that anymore. Now he is saying I never loved me. It’s making me feel bad. I feel I wasted his time. This is someone who was looking forward to marrying me after school.

While I am figuring out what to do, Kwame and I have rekindled things. He has finally admitted that he is not in the country. He asked if I ended things with Kofi and I said yes. A lie I am not proud of.

Building the Perfect Relationship| Chat & Chuckles Ep15

Right now I don’t know what to do. It’s been a month since I came home but Kofi is now the one calling me incessantly. He says my refusal to forgive him and take him back makes me masculine. “That’s what men do. As a woman you are supposed to be soft-hearted and forgiving.” 

Now my problem is sometimes I feel I’m doing the right thing by leaving him. All I have to do is tell him I have someone new so he should move on. However, when he calls and I talk to him, I feel I am making a mistake. It breaks me when he tells me I never loved him. I did love him. There are just too many warning signals to ignore.

This whole situation is giving me sleepless nights. I need sincere advice from the readers on this page. Am I doing the right thing? Should I go back to Kofi or I should continue things with Kwame? I don’t want to marry wrong.

—Pippy

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