My mom left us when I was four. At that age, it felt so sudden. I have no recollection of her making plans to leave. One day she packed her stuff and said goodbye. That was it. She moved to another country to start a new life. I don’t know what my dad did to make her leave him, but should she have left me too? Life is hard already when you have a nurturing mother. Imagine going through life without a mother’s comforting presence by your side every step of the way.

My father took care of me until I turned eight. Then he left my little brother and me in the care of our stepsister and took off. Unlike my mother, there was no goodbye from him. No packed bags to usher us into his absence. He just left.

Life was not a walk in the park for us. Things became even harder when my stepmother joined the household. We were all my sister’s responsibility. At that age, I didn’t understand what that meant for her as the breadwinner of our family.

I fell sick often back then. Sometimes my sister would get so frustrated that she would take it out on me for being sick. I remember times when she called me a witch. “Your witchcraft is meant to finish my money. That’s why you only fall sick when I receive my salary.” In times like that, I thought of my mother. I would often wonder why she wasn’t there for me. My friends’ mothers took care of them when they were sick so where was mine?

Somehow I didn’t fault my sister for not giving me what I lacked. It was my mother I blamed. Kids talked about how amazing their mother’s food tasted. I couldn’t relate to that experience. What about birthday celebrations? No mother to sing me a happy birthday song. Where was she when other mothers held their children’s hands and prayed for them?

I missed out on a lot of life lessons because of her absence. Who was supposed to correct me when I was wrong? Or pamper me when I was being good?

As I grew older, I understood things better. I saw everything my sister went through to provide for our needs without any financial support from either of our parents. She had kids of her own to take care of as well. As I came to terms with her struggles, I became angrier at my parents for their abandonment.

At thirteen, I sent my mother a message saying; “I hope you are having fun with your new family while we suffer.” She didn’t respond. When she reached out eventually to talk, she sounded cold. She was probably hurt by my message but I was also going through a lot as a child. I had no one to listen to me.

During that period, we faced a lot of financial difficulties. Once in a while, I would ask her to step in and take off some of our burdens. She always told me; “I don’t have money.” This was always painful to hear.

When I got to the university, she re-entered my life and tried to establish a relationship with me. I don’t know what she was expecting but I could never do anything right in her eyes. I was always walking on eggshells around her just because I didn’t know if the next step I would take would upset her.

All I wanted was to be myself around my mother but this woman met me with criticisms that hurt me badly. Then we would go for months without talking. I would have to apologize to make peace. This has been the nature of our mother-child relationship since we reconnected.

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Recently, she compared me to my younger brother. She says he doesn’t give him problems like I do. She went on to say, “Your behaviour toward me makes me feel you won’t take care of me in my old age.” Those words felt like a scorpion’s sting to my heart. Here I was thinking I finally have my mother back. Sure, we don’t have a perfect relationship but I felt we would find our groove eventually.

I don’t know if I am truly the problem or if it’s her. I know I see things differently because of the way I grew up. I have a vindictive heart. When someone hurts me, I don’t see family or friend. All I see is someone who hurt me. I either have to tell the person there and then that they hurt me or I would make sure I pay them back in their own coin.

Building the Perfect Relationship| Chat & Chuckles Ep15

Was I wrong to tell my mother that this is how I am? I said this to let her know she hurts me with her words. I mean why would a mother tell her child, “You are not that important.” I just wanted her to understand me when I told her to be mindful of her words. How did that translate to, “You won’t take care of me in my old age?”

After that statement, I have decided to withdraw from her. If I had known earlier that sharing myself with her would lead to insults and criticisms, I would not have opened up to her. Still, I hope there comes a time when I will be able to have a regular conversation with my mother without any snarky remarks or comments before it’s too late.

—Oba

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