These days Jane goes about telling people I am the reason we don’t have a sex life in our marriage. It’s true but the reason she gives them is not true. She says I am having an affair with Frema, the lady who helps me take care of my daughter. I keep telling her that I have been faithful to her but she wants to believe what she wants to believe.

What she refuses to address is that she is the reason Frema is around in the first place. If Jane had been welcoming and accommodating to my little girl, there would be no need for me to ask a friend to help me out.

Although our marriage is seven months old, we started dating ten years ago. We don’t have any children together yet. In fact, it took us a lot of twists and turns to finally tie the knot.

In 2014 when things were in the early stages, we had a lot of issues. Mostly it had to do with hearsay and gossip. “Someone said they saw you somewhere doing questionable stuff,” she would say. I would defend myself only to be hit at a different time with another, “I heard from the boys in town that you went here with this person.” The back and forth continued until we mutually agreed to go our separate ways.

Although we were not together, we kept in touch. Once in a while we would say hello to each other and catch up on stuff going on in the other person’s life. This went on for years.

While she remained my acquaintance I tried to find love in other places. Unfortunately, they didn’t work out. I kept finding my heart returning to Jane. By the time I came to accept this, I was involved with someone else. She is the one I had my daughter with.

Before the mother of my child gave birth, I tried to marry Jane but we met resistance from our families. We did everything in our power to stay together in spite of it. After the baby arrived too, we tried again. But our families remained resolute in their stance. Still, we didn’t give up.

We pushed and pushed until we finally got what we wanted. We were married in May of this year. I believe one of the mistakes I made before entering the marriage was not discussing with her how my daughter would fit into our lives.

Now, in the time before the marriage happened, Jane never took an interest in the child’s life. She never asked how she was doing, let alone tried to form a relationship with her.

It got to a time when my baby mama asked that I have our girl with me for the weekend. I agreed. Each time I brought her around, Jane did nothing for the child. She would only ask her, “How are you dear?” That’s it. She wouldn’t play with her, buy her gifts, or even offer to bathe her.

This is where Frema came in. She is a friend but she made it clear she liked my daughter. If she didn’t see the little girl around she would ask, “I haven’t seen my girl in a while. Is she well?” When I brought the girl around she played with her, bought her treats and girly gifts, and offered to babysit her. Tell me, why wouldn’t I be more comfortable letting my child with her?

So whenever I had the girl over for weekends, Frema and I took care of her. When my baby mama called to say, “Alpha I am getting married. I need you to have full custody of my daughter,” I didn’t object. I took her in knowing I had Frema’s support. I also felt Jane would change after marriage but she is still nonchalant toward the girl. So from that time till now, Frema has been a mother to my child.

Back to the issue of intimacy. We dated for four years after we got back together before we got married. We were not going at it gidigidi throughout that period. I am not someone who is hypersexual. If I do it fine. If I don’t do it too, I am fine. She didn’t complain then. Maybe it worked for her because we were not yet married.

However, she started complaining about my lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom when we got married. When nothing changed, she went to report me to her family. They sat us down and talked to us. After the meeting, we were advised to see a doctor. The doctor ran some exams on me and said I was fine medically. Then he asked, “Or are you having an affair? If you are, then it would make sense that it’s affecting your sexual performance in your marriage.” I shook my head and said, “No, I am a married man. Why would I cheat?”

After the doctor, we saw some counsellors too. When we both shared our sexual experiences, they also said they didn’t see anything wrong with me.

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I know I am fine. I also know I am not cheating on her. I have sown my fair share of wild oats when I was a boy. I left that lifestyle behind me long ago. So once again I ask, why would I do that now that I am married? We went from no sex for four years into marriage. And we’ve been only married for seven months. Things are slow now but I am sure as time goes on it will get better.

I didn’t take it to heart when she started telling people I was cheating. I didn’t let it bring me down when she pointed accusing fingers at Frema. All I did was defend myself and my friend’s good name.

My Husband Doesn’t Know That I Know His Affair Partner Is Pregnant

Unfortunately, the experience is different for Frema. She says she feels terrible that she is a bone of contention between my wife and me. “If that’s the case then let me step away from taking care of your daughter. I hate that your wife calls to tell me I am the reason you people are having problems. What if people start saying I am breaking your marriage?”

I understand her but my child is three years old. How will I take care of her if Frema decides to leave? I begged her not to abandon us. She is still thinking about it. While I am figuring out what to do next, my wife is still giving me a bad name. The more she does this, the worse she is making things. What do I do?

— Kwame Alpha

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