We dated for three years before getting married, and I cheated on him during that period. I did my best to hide the secret but somehow he found out. When he asked me about it I didn’t admit anything to him. I vehemently told him, “Me? No, I didn’t do anything of the sort.” I insisted that whoever told him must have mistaken me for someone else. I don’t know if he believed me or not but he let the matter go.

I was already feeling guilty about what I did. So I became restless after I lied instead of admitting my guilt. I tried to carry on as though nothing had happened but my guilt wouldn’t let me. It ate at my conscience and made me miserable every time I was with him.

One day I became so overwhelmed. I couldn’t take keeping the secret anymore. To set myself free, I sat him down and confessed my sins. I admitted that I cheated and begged for his forgiveness. He didn’t believe me when I said it was a mistake. “How many times did I warn you to stay away from him? Did you listen to me? Now that you’ve gotten what you were looking for, you are telling me it was a mistake. How do you expect me to believe this?”

It wasn’t easy but we finally got to a place where we were both ready to sit down and resolve our problems. He forgave me and we got married.

It’s been two years into the marriage yet he refuses to leave our past behind. Anytime I do something wrong he would tell me, “This is how bad your character is. Do you remember that time you cheated on me and gaslighted me into believing I was accusing you wrongly?” Another time he would say, “This is what happens when I married a woman who cheated on me.” Things haven’t been easy for me at all in this marriage.

I know he loves me. I also love him very much. However, he doesn’t trust me because of my past mistake. He prefers discussing his plans with other people and asking them for advice, to talking to me about them. This hurts me more than anything. This is not the partnership I signed up for.

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Recently, we got into an argument. We don’t live together because of work so it happened over the phone. In the heat of anger he told me, “I have seen that it’s marriage you want. You’ve gotten it now so you don’t care about anything else.” My heart was full of pain so I too retorted, “If it was marriage I wanted I would have gotten it long before you would come into the picture. You should know that I met a lot of people before I met you.”

He called my dad to complain to him that I said he was not the man I wanted. I apologized for my part of the problem and we moved on. I know I said a lot of things to him that I shouldn’t have said. When I get flashbacks, I am filled with regret and shame. So I understand that it may not be easy for him to completely let go. What I didn’t anticipate is this current state where my marriage is collapsing because of this.

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I have apologized to this man. Not once. Not twice. Countless times. I also called his father and pleaded with him to apologize to his son on my behalf. Still, my husband said I won’t change so he won’t accept my apology. I traveled to where he lives, knelt down before him and begged for forgiveness. He still refused to accept my apology. He said he doesn’t trust me anymore.

Seriously, I don’t want my marriage to run down just like that. Please what are some of the things I can do to gain back his trust? Help a sister!

— Sistuh

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