When I was twenty-three, I made a list of things I wanted to see in my marriage, the man I wanted to marry, the number of kids, the type of house, and even the country I would love to live in with my husband. I wrote the list in my journal and used a highlighter to highlight them because everything on the list was important to me.

At twenty-four, I made changes because my heart had changed and my eyes had seen a lot of realities to know the differences between a plan and wishful thinking. I changed the country I wanted to live in with my husband and made it “Ghana” and wrote a city name next to it.

At twenty-five when I started working and meeting men who promised love and marriage and realized they all didn’t fit the type of man I wrote in my diary, I quickly made a change in the type of man to reflect reality. This time around, it wasn’t about physical attributes but about character.

My friend Matilda married a guy she met in church. You would look at the guy and say, “This one missed his true calling. He should have been a pastor.” He was an architect who made a lot of money from his work. At their wedding, I looked at him and prayed to God to give me a man like Matilda’s husband. A year after marriage, Matilda started cheating on him.

I knew it because Matilda told me everything, including the first time she had intimacy with her side guy. I didn’t judge her. The two of us have been friends for so long and we thrived because we didn’t judge each other. She made it look like the other man brought all the happiness her husband didn’t bring in her life. I asked, “What changed? I prayed for the kind of man like your husband. You had him and you’re not happy?”

She told me, “I shouldn’t have married him the day I found out he was cheating on me. He was remorseful only to go back to the same girl a week later. As I speak, the woman lives at the centre of our marriage.”

She was always crying begging her husband to stop but the man told her in plain words that had it not been the parents of the other girl, he would have married the other girl instead. Matilda channelled her energy into finding happiness outside of her marriage.

That day, I wrote down a prayer that said, “God, I don’t want to come to a place in my marriage where I will ever think of cheating on my husband so don’t bring me a man who will cheat on me.”

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I got married and got to a place where I thought of cheating on my husband. The man I married was so quiet his silence drove me away. He was the direct opposite of the kind of man I wanted to live with. I needed a playful mate who would goof with me in good times and talk me out of stress when I was having a bad time but James wasn’t that man.

Things got worse when we got married. I was always home before he came home. I would welcome him home like a queen would welcome a king from war. I would serve his food warm, sit next to him and gist him while he eats. He wouldn’t say a word. Right after eating, he would take his laptop, go to the bedroom and start working. He didn’t like to work at a place I would be so when I was in the hall, he would be in the bedroom. When I was in the bedroom, he would be in the hall.

I felt neglected and kept wondering if he indeed loved me. Matilda’s story came to haunt me at some point. “Or there’s another woman he loved but couldn’t marry?”

I worried until stress gave way to depression. I spoke to Matilda about it. She wasn’t the best human to receive marriage advice from but because I couldn’t talk to anyone, I called and discussed my struggle with her. She asked me, “Do you think he’s cheating on you?” I answered, “I don’t think so.” She replied, “Then keep going. It’s better a quiet man than a man who cheats right under your nose.”

Kibby came along and started showing me everything I was missing in my marriage. Jesus was tested by the devil when the devil took him to the top of the mountain, showed him all the beauty in the world and said, “Just bow to me and all could be yours.” Kibby didn’t take me to the mountaintop. He was the mountain itself. I stood on him and saw all the beauty I could have in my marriage. He didn’t ask me to bow. He winked and said, “I bet your husband doesn’t make you feel this way.”

He’d be on the phone with me when my husband was away. He would send me funny clips that would bring long conversations. He already knew my stand but would send things that went against my stand so we could talk. Soon, I found myself confiding in him, telling him deep secrets of my marriage. He would tell me what to do to get good results and what not to do.

These little deeds drew me to him emotionally. I wanted him to replace the void my husband created. We went out one day when my husband had travelled. I was with him from the afternoon until late at night. I showed him my phone and said, “He hasn’t called me all day, can you imagine?”

It was already 10 pm when I decided to go home yet my husband hadn’t called. In the car, I leaned in for a kiss. He leaned in too but I quickly pulled away. Both of us, embarrassed, we said sorry to each other. I added, “I guess it’s not the right place and time.” He only nodded.

When I got home I cried. I remembered the prayer in my journal, “God, I don’t want to come to a place in my marriage where I will ever think of cheating on my husband…” I was at that place.

I couldn’t sleep that night so I called my husband. He answered the call but when I said I couldn’t sleep, he shouted at me, “You can’t sleep so you have to destroy my sleep? What kind of silly trick is that?”

I said sorry and cut the phone. I called Kibby and we talked all night until there was no word to say. For the first time, divorce came to my mind. “I will just leave this empty marriage and have my peace of mind.”

When he was around, I contemplated divorce. When he was busy on his laptop, I also stayed busy with Kibby. I made plans with him. In the plan, we would travel to a beach, build a camping tent, eat fresh fish and enjoy nature. We were going to do it the next time my husband would travel.

That plan didn’t come to fruition because I stopped talking to Kibby along the line. I don’t know what came over me but all of a sudden, I didn’t feel like talking to him again. He would call and I won’t answer. He would text and I would take forever to reply. One day he said, “Marriage is sweet now so you’ve forgotten about me, right?” I responded with a laughing emoji and said nothing more. Maybe he got it that I was at a place I didn’t need him so he stopped calling.

I dedicated the rest of my time to finding what was wrong with me and my marriage. When my husband was in a good mood, I asked questions. He told me one day that he didn’t want to marry but he was pressured to take a wife. I asked if he regretted it and he said, “No, why will I? You’re a good wife.”

I told him he was a good man too and listed the things I wish he could change. I asked him if there were something he would want me to change too. He said, “I want you to worry less. No matter what happens, I will choose you because I love you.”

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Once Kibby was out of the picture, there was nothing to compare my husband to. The mountain on which I saw the beauties I lacked in my marriage was gone. I took my husband for who he was and accepted that I couldn’t have everything in one person. But that didn’t stop me from asking for more from him. On the other hand, I’ve come to understand that asking for more is like squeezing from a dry orange. Every drop counts because it’s all you can get. I’m content. We’ve done four and still going.

— Kibby

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