I had a child with him when we were very young. I was twenty. He was twenty-three, I guess. My parents were very mad at me but he was a guy I knew I could have a future with. His family was well-to-do and had a name everyone around town respected. In my young mind, I felt honoured to have someone from his family to date me. When the pregnancy came, he asked me to abort it. I looked at his face and asked what he was talking about.

They had money and I knew his family would be ready to take care of me if they got to know about the pregnancy. He told me to let go until we grow up and marry before we think about a child. I told him I was ready to put my life on hold for him. He told me it was too early for me to do that.

I was the one who went to his house to announce the pregnancy to his mom. His mom thought I was crazy. She looked at me from the top to my toes before asking how old I was. “Twenty,” I responded. She took a step back, shocked at my braveness. Twenty? And you allowed Ephraim to impregnate you? Do you know what that means?”

Of course, I knew it. It only meant I was going to have his child and I was ready to go through that for him. But Ephraim got angry at me. He said I was endangering his future. I told him to calm down because we were in it together. He also called me crazy. I believed him because if I wasn’t, what would use me to do that?

READ ALSO: My Brothers-In-Law Are The Reasons I Am Not Happy In My Marriage

His parents came to meet my parents and they decided what to do without even consulting me. The happy thing was that both sides agreed I should have it. I jumped and threw my hand in the sky. In my mind, I was already the wife of Ephraim. My child was only three months old when they sent Ephraim abroad, bringing our already fractured relationship to an end.

His parents were always helpful. They paid for the child. When he fell sick they paid the medical bills. They were always willing to give the best to the child, neglecting me and my feelings for Ephraim. They wouldn’t even give his contact to me to talk to him. Slowly, the hope I had faded. The future I planted firmly in my mind wobbled and toppled over. I had to learn to move on.

Eric came along. He sought to sweep me off my feet with money but no matter how hard he tried, I couldn’t love him. He was older—ten years older than me. It was one of the reasons but not all the reasons. He didn’t bear any resemblance to Ephraim. He was half the man Ephraim was to me but because he was available and ready, I said yes to him.

My mom urged me on. The fact that Eric didn’t care about my born-one status and was willing to marry me, my mom thought I should take him with both hands because men like Eric don’t come along often. “You’ll love him when you settle with him. He’s a fine man, can’t you see?” My mom motivated.

Eric didn’t do anything wrong except to love the wrong woman. He spoke with my mind and knew what I wanted even before I uttered a word about it. He hugged me very often, something I complained about when Ephraim wasn’t doing it but when Eric did it, I found it annoying. Sex was bland, it was like making love to a tree. His touch carried no message, except the feeling of emptiness I felt each time he touched me. Mom said I would love him, so I waited for the day that love would arrive.

It didn’t but I trusted it would come so when he said we should get married, I said yes and got married to him at a wedding people called a fairytale but to me, it was a tale without a climax. We lived together for a year until I heard from the grapevine that Ephraim was coming to Ghana. My son was six years old then. We had relocated but Ephraim’s parents did not stop taking care of the child.

The day he landed, I heard about it. I wanted to go and see him but I retreated, waiting patiently to see if he would call me. It took him a week to call. Immediately he said hello, I responded, “Ephraim!” He said, “So you never forgot my voice.” “No, I didn’t forget anything. I still remember how you smelled, how you smiled, the tightness of your grip when we hugged, how your mouth smelled early in the morning. I remember everything,” I said in my head.

He wanted to meet our son and I was willing and ready to meet him with him. He said the date and I agreed. That day, I told Eric I was going to see my parents and he agreed. I saw my parents very late in the day. I was with Ephraim until the sunset. He called me beautiful. He said I hadn’t aged. He brought back memories of the days when all was well with us. I was supposed to be angry with him for abandoning us but I was happy to talk about our past with him.

“Your woman is very lucky. Look at how beautiful a man you’ve grown into.” He smiled that old smile and rolled his eyes. By the time I was leaving him, I knew I was in love with him and was also very sure he was still in love with me. I learned men also don’t forget their first love. When he asked me about marriage life, I went around the bush and landed on a different topic. I was so embarrassed that I was married and he wasn’t. It felt like I was the one the fault belonged to.

When school went on vacation, I took leave from work and went back to my parents’ house where I would see Ephraim very often. One day we kissed. It came out of nowhere. Another day, we were in a hotel room all alone. For the next two weeks I spent with my parents, we always found a place to hide and do what lovers do. The sad thing was, when I returned home to my husband, I felt no shame or remorse or any pang in the heart that said I did something wrong. It was when I got pregnant that I started feeling shame.

I knew it wasn’t for my husband. Ephraim was leaving the next day when I called to inform him I was pregnant. He said, “Stop joking.” I responded, “Nothing has ever been a joke between us. I’m pregnant and it’s yours.” His voice disappeared from the phone for a while. When he came back he asked, ‘How did you know?” I answered, “Because I’m a woman and I alone know the father of my child. You can check later if you don’t believe me.

I have another child, a daughter and it’s for Ephraim. My husband adores this child from here to the moon thinking she’s his, That’s the only pang of guilt I feel when I watch him adoring what’s not his. I pity him. His good heart deserves good things and it’s sad those good things are not coming from me. I talk to Ephraim. A lot. He has something going on with a Ghanaian lady where he is. He begs me not to tell anyone about it until he’s done with the DNA.

He’s scared I will spill the beans. He still thinks I’m that crazy little girl who went to his mother to announce my pregnancy. I tell him, “I won’t. I’m no longer a child plus I have the world to lose if I do that.”

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

He doesn’t believe me but his unbelief works just fine with me because it keeps him on his toes and puts me at the forefront of his mind. I love that but the sad question I ask myself every day is, “If I can love something as dangerous as this, why can’t I bring myself to love my husband?”

Mom said I would love him. Maybe she lied. Maybe I’m the one who’s not giving myself the space to love him. Whatever it is, Eric deserves better than a woman like me. I’ve given myself one year. If nothing happens, if the love mom promised doesn’t come, I will walk out of the marriage peacefully to create a space for someone who can give this man what he wants in a woman. I’m a devil, I know but this devil here is not lacking conscience. I will make things right. Just a matter of time.

—Justina

This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at [email protected]. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.

#SB