I don’t eat much. It isn’t that I don’t have money for food. I can afford anything I want to eat. However, when I sit down to have a meal like any other human does, I can only ingest a spoonful or two, then I am okay. It’s easier for me to take in fluids than solids. That’s why I drink a lot of malt drinks and milk drinks for sustenance. I have tried my best to eat properly but it doesn’t work. That’s why although I am in my mid-twenties, I have the body of a teenager.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see any womanly flesh or curves in places they should be. It makes me feel so bad about myself. Honestly, I did not have this level of self-esteem issues until my brother made a comment about my body one day. I hadn’t even gone to offend him for him to say such a mean thing to me. That was what made it hurt most. It was just an observation he thought wise to share with me. “You look like a man with those muscular arms of yours,” that was what he said. That statement that didn’t mean anything to him meant everything to me. I cried so much that day.

After that day, you won’t catch me wearing anything sleeveless. I wouldn’t even wear short sleeves. That’s how insecure I started to feel about my body. Even if the weather is so hot that it becomes unbearable to wear a stitch of clothing, you would find me in long sleeves, acting as if the heat doesn’t bother me.

What hurt me more than anything about what my brother said was that he knows me. He knows all about my health struggles. He is older than me so he can’t say he can’t remember how often I got sick when I was a child. I have been in and out of the hospital right from infancy. Today, the doctors would say this is the problem. We would treat it but something else would pop up tomorrow. After I completed high school, it got worse. To date, we don’t know exactly what is wrong with me.

My illness is the reason I don’t eat much. Every time I got sick growing up, I couldn’t eat well. I was always stuffed with medications. So even when I got better, I still struggled to eat. My body is used to surviving on little food. This has affected my body and my growth. I am not tall. I am also not all that slim. The last time I checked my weight I was 51kg. I don’t think I am underweight but I also feel I don’t have the right weight for my age, however, I had not felt the need to overdo things to gain weight because I knew I was trying my best to stay healthy.

That was until a guy I started seeing complained about my body. He said I was chingilingi, so he could even count my ribs. At first, he said it as a joke. We all laughed about it. Another time he said it again as a joke, but the humour was no longer appealing to me. Of course, he didn’t know my body is something I am insecure about. He was the only one who laughed but he didn’t wonder why. Rather, he started saying it without shrouding it in jokes.

Along the line in the relationship, he recommended some drugs to me. He said it would boost my appetite and make me gain some weight. I wanted to make him happy so I started taking the drugs, once a day. I still didn’t see any difference.

READ ALSO: When The Bible Said “The Thief Doesn’t Come Except To Destroy,” It Was Talking About My Ex

A few weeks ago, he called me skinny again. That was when it dawned on me that he has never given me a compliment. Even when I go to the salon and return with new braids, excited to show it to him, my man would look at me and say, “Your forehead is looking big.” I would laugh it off but cry when I got home. Once, I even asked myself, “Why am I not good enough for him? Am I really that ugly? What can I do to please him?”

I started feeling more insecure about myself. Strangers meet me and tell me I am beautiful but the guy I was dating had never said it. That same week, he told me; “You are so thin that I feel shy when I am walking with you.” Another realization hit me. Every time we walked together, he would walk really fast, and I would be behind him trying to catch up with him. You wouldn’t think we were walking together if you saw us on the road. It was only in the evenings that we walked hand in hand. I didn’t think much of it until he admitted that he was embarrassed to be seen with me.

He Called Me On The Phone So I Could Hear The Other Woman’s Voice

At that point, I couldn’t take it anymore. I gave him my piece of mind. “You are the kind of man who expects a woman to change everything about herself to make you happy. I can’t do it anymore.” I paused for a while and added, “I am done taking pills in an attempt to put on weight for you. Accept me as I am or let me be.” He got angry, and acted as if I was accusing him of something he hadn’t done. I haven’t heard from him since we had that conversation.

Did I do too much? Was I wrong for saying what I said? He is making me feel as if I should not have expressed displeasure at all the ways he body shames me. As if I should apologize for speaking up for myself. The fact that I am feeling this way should tell you how insecure I feel about my body. As though he was right to tell me to look different to be accepted and loved. How do I overcome this?

—Paulina

If you have a compelling story to share with us, you can email it to us at [email protected] or send us a voice note on WhatsApp number 0593290182.

#SB