He wanted to marry me when I was in school. I told him it wasn’t a good idea because I was in school. “Don’t you need a wife who helps with the bills? After school, I will get a job and we’ll be married.” He didn’t want to understand. We had dated for two years and according to him, he was at the exact point in life where he dreamed of marriage. I told him to push it a little forward to make room for me to grow.
After school, he brought up the marriage proposal again. I was still in the academic gown when he asked about marriage. I told him to have patience. He was a man in a hurry but I was a woman who wanted to be in a better place first before anything else.
My parents have influence in many places of work. I chose one of such places for my national service hoping I would be retained after service. It was during my national service days that my mom travelled abroad to join my father. They left the whole house for me and my elder sister but she was married and was living with her husband. I was left alone to live in a huge four-bedroom house all by myself.
After national service, I gave him the assurance that we were going to get married the following year because I would be working at that time. He asked me, “So I should start buying things for the marriage?” I nodded because I was very sure that was what was going to happen.
I completed my service and had a job offer right where I did my national service. Just around that time, his rent expired. He told me, “You live alone. Can I move in until we figure something out?” I said yes to him before I discussed it with my parents. They also agreed with the belief that we were going to get married as soon as possible.
He packed his things and came to live in my parents’ house with me and from the day he settled in here, he stopped talking about marriage. I reminded him of my readiness one day and he told me some things in his life were not working out so I should give him some time to figure things out. We’d been living together for one and a half years. He hadn’t said anything about marriage and because I didn’t want to sound desperate, I also stopped asking.
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It was my dad who popped the question one day when I was talking to him. I told him the truth; “He’s no longer talking about it. I don’t know what he’s currently thinking about.” My dad said, “Maybe it’s because you’re living together, he thinks you’re already married. If he wants to take his time, then he should rent a new place and take all the time there. Tell him or I’ll be forced to tell him myself.”
I didn’t say it the way my dad asked me to. I asked questions; “Dear, my parents don’t want to continue seeing us together when we are not married. What are we waiting for? Is there something I can help you with? What do you need to make a decision? We need to resolve this as early as possible before my parents begin to poke their noses into our lives.”
He retorted, “Why are you trying to use your parents’ name to push me around? They are old enough and they understand marriage takes time. When you needed time, I gave it to you. Why can’t you give me the same grace I gave you?”
I was ready to give him whatever time he needed but I wanted to know the reason he needed the time. He didn’t say anything apart from needing time to resolve issues. I moved out to another room. I stopped cooking. When I did the laundry, I separated his from mine and asked him to do it on his own. I removed every benefit he was enjoying as a result of our relationship. When he complained, I told him I couldn’t give a boyfriend what I should give to a husband.
When the complaint was getting too much I told him, “You have one month. Get your own place and leave this house. It’s for my parents and they’re coming home.”
Two weeks later, he told me we should get married. “What changed?” He couldn’t answer that question so I told him, “I’m not ready until you talk.” He answered, “I don’t have anything to talk about. I said I wasn’t ready. Now I’m ready. I’m the one saying it.”
Did Marriages Last Longer In The Past?
To be honest, I don’t want the marriage any longer. He’s making it look like I’m forcing him or I’m the one who’s desperately looking for marriage. And the way he quickly changed his mind is also all sorts of red flags. I want him out of this house first. We both have a lot of thinking to do. Once he’s out and on his own, we both can reason apart and see the way forward. Currently, it looks like we both don’t know what we want and it’s the reason we are where we are now. I want to know if I’m doing the right thing. Is asking him to leave first before anything else a good idea?
—Samantha
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What you are doing is right. Don’t fret. Take your time and map out your plans and clear the fog. As for your man he is not serious. Don’t be in a hurry to get married. Good things take time. As I see it he is not ready to get married to you but rather what he is doing is using you. I always tell my self this I don’t do wifely duties at girlfriend prices. Having your peace of mind is always important than any relationship.
Yes it is.
In any meaningful, healthy and productive relationship, open and frank communication is very essential. If he can’t be open enough to tell you the reason for the changes, it means he’ll have a problem communicating other issues that’ll definitely come up even after marriage (and trust me, they’ll be many). And that lack of communication will make the marriage unhealthy and toxic. So, it’s best you both do your thinkings apart and be sure of what you want.
Above all, please, please and please, consult with God (not necessarily a man/woman of God, even though they can be helpful) before you make the all-important decision of whom to marry. That you’re good in your relationship doesn’t guarantee success in marriage.
God help you both dear.
Guess you are on right path. Let hm move out first then you two do the thinking of, if you are ready for the marital journey. I think his actions are full of red flags and I guess he’s not ready for the marriage. The two of you need to do alot of thinking as well as talking to see the way forward. But for now he need to move out of the house.
All the best though
I see an opportunist here. I think you’re going to have lots of regrets if you go ahead and marry him
Best of luck to you
Yeah you guys have no future. He only now wants to marry you to enjoy the perks of free living and not to stress about life because your parents provide for the both of you. That is not a man worth marrying he is an opportunist
What you’re doing is very right. In fact it you should have done that a long time ago. He’s an opportunist and he won’t help you. Don’t agree to the marriage at all. There are better men out there looking for women like you to marry. I can’t pretend to understand how you’re feeling now but all that I’ll say is this….let him go and take your time. You’ll find a man your heart desires. Good luck.
You’re doing the right thing my sister. In fact don’t make the mistake of marrying him at all. He’s an opportunist and if you marry him, you’ll forever regret it. There are better men out there waiting to marry you. Let him go and you’ll definitely find someone your heart desires. Good luck
U are on the right path of decision.He is an opportunist and u must not have him as a husband or u live to regret it.
Marry him my dear don’t listen to that word there are good men out there when you needed time he gave you and now that it’s your turn to also do so you are using the room you gave against him it’s not fair
My dear there are 2 sides to every story but before you make any decisions ask yourself this doesn’t he support you when you were not working, is he a cheat, has he changed from the man you fell in love with? cos maybe he might not be opportunist as people are saying here be careful with your decisions cos maybe he might be a good man he was renting before he met you and he will still rent after you if you have done 1 year plus staying together and he is still the same man then my dear go ahead and marry him, I picked a line from your story he said your parents are old enough and understand how marriage works, when he was pushing you to marry him he was in his own house and never said he want to marry you and go and live in your house right? So just sit him down and ask him if indeed he is ready if yes then go ahead and marry him.
Am a married man and I understand this cos is not everything you going through in life that you can share with your wife cos he knows it might weigh you down don’t listen that line there a lot of good guys out there. Thank you
You are dating an opportunist
I’m not going to tag or call the guy an opportunist or if he’s trying to use you and enjoy the benefits of staying in the big house. Secondly, the only thing you mentioned all thru is “marriage” Who doesn’t want to get married to their dream partner? Is he a good man, is he caring, does he cheat? Is he the type of man you want to spend forever with? The mistake you made was accepting him to move in with you. The mistake he made too was moving in with you and your parents accepting it. If you had helped with money for him to get an Apt, it would have been a diff case cos he will not only work hard, he will see you and the marriage as a top priority. With the look of things, I don’t think your relationship will work cos once he moves out, he will see you as a diff person and he will also be a different guy. You both need to have a heart to heart talk. God help you both.