Growing up, it was never my priority to get married. I had seen a lot of marriages that gave me the impression that gave me the impression that it was better to be single than to be married. So I didn’t pay much attention to men or relationships. I focused on my education, and got a job with an insurance company after school. I am not a spendthrift so I never had problems with money. I always drew a budget before I spent money on anything. And I always stuck to my budget. This allowed me to save.

I saved enough to fund my second degree. It was when I was doing my master’s that I met Walter. We were just friends our entire stay in school. I didn’t even think of him in an amorous way. I knew him to be a very good and supportive friend. So I was surprised when after we finished school, he asked me to marry him. It just came out of nowhere.

We sat down and talked about his proposal and he told me, “I have always been in love with you. That’s why I am always hanging around you. I am not just looking for a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I want you to be my wife.” He promised to make me happy if I said yes to him.

I thought about it and I realized that I liked him. So I decided to give him a chance. I moved back home to Acrra after school while he stayed in the Brong Ahafo Region. Because we were far apart, he made it a point to visit me every two weeks. Before he comes he would ask, “What are we going to eat during my stay? Let me send you some money to take care of things.” And he would send me money to buy foodstuff to cook. These were the little things he did that stole my heart.

He came across as someone who was thoughtful. A man who would anticipate my needs and provide them. Not that I couldn’t take care of my needs. It was just good to know that I had a partner who would do that for me.

When we started talking about marriage I asked him, “How much can you contribute to the ceremony without us having to go for a loan from anywhere to make it happen?” He told me, “I can raise GHC20,000.” I said we will manage and make it work.

Now, when we were about to start buying the marriage items he said I should give him some time to finalize his appointment at a new job he had applied for. It’s a banking job so the company needed to get a reference from his previous job to give him the managerial role he applied for. That was when he told me, “I took a loan from my previous job. So I owe them GHC6000. They want me to clear that debt before they give me the reference, but I don’t have the money now. That’s why there is a delay with my new job.

He asked that I give him the money and he would pay it back as soon as the new job is confirmed. I spoke to a friend and she advised, “Well, this is a man you are planning your life with. There is nothing wrong if you help him out.” I also thought about it and decided to give him the money. He promised to give it back to me so we both agreed that it was a loan.

He started his new job and I also started buying the items on the marriage list. Every time I asked him for money to buy something on the list he would say, “I am having a little challenge releasing my money from an investment. So please if you can, buy it. I will give it to you as soon as the money arrives.” This is what he did until I bought almost everything on the list.

It was when it got to the rings that I said, “As for the rings, you have to buy them. If I use my money it will look like I am marrying myself.” He said he didn’t have much money so we should buy the cheap rings, so he would replace them later. I said okay and took GHC500 from him to buy the rings. When it got to the money we had to put in the envelopes, I insisted he brings money for those ones too. The total amount didn’t sum up to GHC8000, and he brought it. Everything else was my cost to bear.

After we got married, his visits became infrequent. Someone who used to visit me every two weeks would go beyond a month without visiting him. I would have been going to see him but he told me one day that I shouldn’t visit him without his permission. My own husband said this to me. It made me feel like although we were married, we were living independent lives.

A few months into the marriage, I miscarried our first pregnancy. I had to go to the theater for them to take everything out of my body. My husband knew about this but he didn’t show up. He didn’t even call that day to find out how things were going. Had it not been for my friend who was by my side, I would have been completely alone.

It was after my friend asked him why he wasn’t there when I needed him that he apologized. When I started to feel a little better, I visited him. I was going to buy something at a shop in their neighborhood, and a woman at the shop made a comment that suggested she knew things about me and my marriage that she had no business knowing. I asked Walter about this when I got home and he got angry. Even after he calmed down, he wouldn’t touch me.

He kept turning down all my attempts to have shuperu with him. He said I was only doing it because I wanted a child. “It’s not right for us to only have intimacy because you want a child. It should mean something more,” he said. I had to use all my powers of seduction before he agreed to do it. He didn’t make me feel welcome during my stay there so I left earlier than I intended.

A month after that visit, I found out that I was pregnant. To prevent another miscarriage, I was put on bed rest. My mother came to stay with me to keep me company so I wouldn’t stress myself too much. When Walter came, he was in a hurry to go back. It wasn’t because of work, no. He had a social life he needed to get back to. I begged him to stay with me but he refused.

Things became stable when I was in my second trimester so my mum left. Walter came to visit, and once again he was in a hurry to leave. There was a holiday coming up so I asked him to stay and spend the holiday with me but he said he was going to play football with his friends. I even cried so he would know how much I needed him to stay with me but he left anyway.

I was angry with him when he left so I didn’t call him for two weeks. He also didn’t call me during that period. He didn’t even send a single text to check up on me. It was one of our pastors who found out what was going on and came to resolve the issue before we started talking again.

When it was getting to time for me to deliver, my rent was also due. I told my husband, “Now, our family is growing so we need a bigger space. Instead of renewing my rent for this chamber and hall apartment, let’s rent a two-bedroom house. That way when my mother comes to live with us to help with the baby, we won’t all be cramped up.” He said it was a good idea so we should find a place.

I found a two-bedroom apartment that cost GHC600 a month. My husband agreed that it was a good deal, but when I asked him to bring the money for us to make payment, he said, “I don’t have it to give it to you right now. But if you pay it, I will refund you.” I had the money but this didn’t sit right with me. This man had never refunded any expenses I ever paid concerning our marriage so I had trust issues when it came to him and money. I talked to my dad about it and he advised me not to pay for the place with my money. I didn’t do it so we lost the place.

When my rent finally expired, he didn’t give me the money to renew it. I handled it on my own. Every decision we have to make as a family, he leaves it for me to make. When it involves spending money, he would leave it for me to bear. I buy him gifts. All the clothes he wears to work, I shop for him. He started sending me GHC500 monthly for pocket money. When I started telling him that the money wasn’t enough so he should add more to it, he refused. Now, he has stopped sending the money completely.

After I had the baby, he said he wanted to buy a car. I didn’t agree with him because I didn’t think he needed it. I explained to him that I drive in Accra because of my eight-year-old daughter. It’s more convenient for me to take her to school and pick her up when I have a car. Besides, I saved to buy my car. As for him, he wanted to go for a loan. This became a problem between us.

Later, I heard that he was going about trying to buy the car. His budget was GHC50,000. I didn’t want him to get a bad deal so I spoke to a friend who sells cars to give him a good deal. He chose a car that cost GHC86,000. He said he would pay it once his loan got approved. He showed me proof that indeed he was waiting for his loan to come through. I could secure a loan faster so I took a loan and paid for the car.

When he got his loan, he brought me GHC50,000. I complained about the balance and he gave me GHC6,000. The remaining GHC30,000 is still a debt I am paying off. Later, I even found out from his friend that the loan he took from the bank was GHC75,000, and not GHC50,000 as he made me believe.

The question I keep asking myself is, “So where did the rest of the money go?” This man’s salary is twice more than mine. Yet he never has money for anything. I am the one constantly paying for things in our marriage. So does he do with his money? I know he has a son who lives with his mother, but I also know that his son is not the reason he never has money. Does he have a secret family somewhere that I don’t know about?

The other day he called a meeting with my dad and some elders that I have anger issues so they should advise me to change. I was surprised that of all the problems we were facing, his concern was my non-existent anger issues. I am usually calm even when he makes me angry so I don’t know where he got the impression that I have anger issues.

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I had a lot of things to say at the meeting but my dad was there so I didn’t say anything. How can I tell my father that I am the one who bore the majority of the cost for our marriage ceremony? How can I tell him that I took a loan to buy a car for my husband and he still owes me GHC30,000? How can I tell him that he doesn’t pay my bills or my rent? How can I tell him that the last time my husband touched me was the time we conceived our baby? When I try to initiate intimacy, he tells me I am rushing.

We organized a Thanksgiving ceremony when our baby was born. My husband and his mother showed up empty-handed, yet when they were ready to leave, Walter demanded I give him GHC600 to see his mother off so he would pay me back later. I refused to give him the money and it made him angry. That was why he called for a family meeting to report me but of course, he couldn’t say the actual reason so he lied that I have anger issues.

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As I am sharing this story, I am so tired of the marriage. I feel like this whole thing is a big scam. Maybe he came into my life purposely to marry me and take all my money. Now, I am struggling financially because of him. Sometimes I even borrow money from MTN Qwik Loan to get by. I don’t have any savings to fall back on in case of an emergency. Is this what marriage does to a person? Right now I am looking for a way to get him to repay the GHC30, OOO he is still owing for the car.

When I get that money and my finances start looking good, and he still hasn’t changed, I will file for a divorce. I have already told his mother what is going on so she is aware of my plans. I just need someone to share my story with, because I don’t have anyone in my life that I can discuss these things with. I hope by sharing, I will feel a little unburdened. And I will get the strength to do what is necessary.

—Juliet

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