I have gotten to the age where people ask me, “When are we coming to your wedding?” I have gotten asked this question and others like, “When are you bringing your man home?” Any woman who is in her mid-twenties and beyond has had to listen to a concerned friend or relative ask them questions like these at some point in their life.

Sometimes, you smile because you don’t want to be rude. Other times you tell them, “Soon.” Maybe it’s the truth. Or maybe soon means, “I don’t know.” For me, it means, “I will bring a man home when I settle on which of my three men I want to settle down with.” I know it sounds like I am busy juggling three men. Trust me, it is not the case. Let me tell you my story and hopefully, you can help me settle on one man.

Let’s start with Kofi. He is my ex-boyfriend. We belong to the same church. And although our relationship that started three years ago ended on a sour note, we have a comfortable friendship.

Like most relationships, ours was filled with good times and bad times. I loved Kofi with all my heart. I am talking about the kind of foolish love that made me forgive all his infidelities. Every time I caught him, he would go on his knees and beg; “Babe, I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me. If you give me another chance I won’t do it again.”

I would look at the loud look of remorse on his face and my heart would melt. “I forgive you,” I would say, “But if you do it again, it’s over. This is your last chance.” By the time I knew it, I had given him several chances.

Two years ago, I caught him cheating with a lady in our church. I complained but he was defensive. I also found out that he bought land without informing me about it, but he took the lady along to be his witness. That was the last straw for me. It made me realize that I was wasting my time with him. It was a hard decision but I broke up with him and moved on.

After Kofi, I met Ben. He is a guy who works with our suppliers. He lived in Tema while I live in Kumasi. I wasn’t playing hard to get but I stretched him for a while before I finally accepted his proposal. Everything was good between us. I didn’t believe love could be so peaceful and sweet until he came along.

He told me, “I have a one year daughter but my baby mama and I are over.” I didn’t mind that he had a child so I stayed. I don’t know how he was doing it but in the early stages of the relationship, we talked almost all the time. I never felt like I came second to his child. It was nice.

However, things changed as we went deeper. He would only call while he was at work and outside his apartment. It was strange so I started digging for the truth. One day he sent me a picture of his daughter with the caption, “Her mother brought her to me for some daddy-daughter time.” The background of the room didn’t look like a single man’s room so I became suspicious. After what I faced with Kofi, I didn’t waste time with this one. I slowly backed out until I eventually broke up with him.

A few months later, I met Emmanuel. He is a colleague at work. He is someone I know very well. Everyone at our workplace occasionally made jokes that Emma was pining away for my love. So it didn’t come as a surprise when he asked me to be his girlfriend. It took me some weeks before I finally accepted his proposal.

It’s been almost two years now and he’s been nothing but a perfect boyfriend. However, I feel trapped in my past sometimes. He is a good man but I treat him like a cheat. Whenever he does something that feels a little off, I would jump to the conclusion that he has gone for another woman. I even pick petty fights with him because of my insecurities.

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No matter how irrational I sound, he would find ways and means to calm me down and bring our relationship back on track. As I stated earlier, he is perfect.

Why am I having second thoughts about him? He keeps telling me, “Babe, I want to marry two women. But you will be the first wife.” Whenever he says this I get angry, and he laughs. He would say something like, “You are so easy to mess with.” He says he is joking but I have been with a cheat before, so I end up questioning his faithfulness. What do the scriptures say about these things? “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh.” So what if he is not joking? Maybe he is just preparing me for what is to come. That’s my fear.

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As I write this, Kofi and Ben are back in my life. They are begging me to take them back. Ben is married to his baby mama but he claims he married her so he could claim his daughter. He says the lady’s family insisted that until he marries the lady, the baby is not his. “I am going to divorce her very soon so we can be together,” he promised.

A part of me thinks it’s just the normal married men trick he’s trying to play, while another part of me believes he’s telling the truth. As for Kofi, he swears he is a changed man. “I have finished sowing my wild oats. I am ready to be a man now,” he says. I don’t know if he is lying or not but he is very determined to win me back. Emma is my perfect man but I am scared. What if I marry him and find out that his talk about getting a second wife is not a joke? This is my dilemma. Now that you know our story, which of these men will you advise me to choose? Please help a sister make the best decision.

—Erica 

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