We Couldn’t Consummate Our Marriage Until Our Pastor Showed Us The Trick

It’s unfortunate that Andee and Grace are having so many struggles with breaking their virginities after marriage. Just like them, I too set out to keep myself for marriage. I wasn’t necessarily keeping it for the sake of a future husband. It was mostly because of God. I made a covenant with Him that I would honour Him with my body. So no matter the temptations that came my way, my focus was on pleasing God.

While I embarked on this journey, I feared that I wouldn’t get a man who was also honouring God with his body. I was concerned that I would marry an experienced partner and he would be disappointed in my lack of experience, especially if he compared me to his past lovers. The alternative, however, did not appeal to me.

Apart from breaking my covenant with God, I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I would end up pregnant out of wedlock. There’s also the bond that forms between two people when they have sex. I believe it’s a spiritual bond that should be shared by people who are married. So when the voices of doubts came knocking, I silenced them and continued on my journey of chastity.

Along the way, I dated a guy I was very committed to. I was sure that he was the one I would marry. I was so happy when he agreed to wait till marriage before we have shuperu. A lot happened in the relationship that should tear us apart but we held on to each other. Then it got to a point where he started asking that we break our pact. He wanted us to start having intimacy. That wasn’t the agreement so I refused. This guy later came to tell me, “Since you’ve refused to give me what I want, I have found someone who is giving it to me.”

If words could kill, those words would have been my undoing. This is someone I loved to the point where I was sure I could not live a day without him. How could he tell me he was getting his needs satisfied by someone else? In a desperate attempt to hold on to him I said, “Okay fine. I will give you what you want.” I wasn’t ready to do it but I convinced myself I had to do it to keep him. Luckily for me, God intervened. The entire relationship fell apart before I got the chance to go through with it.

It took me a long time to heal after the breakup. By then I was tired of relationships so I took a break. For five years, I didn’t date anyone. I spent the time getting closer to God and falling deeply in love with myself. When I felt ready, I opened up myself to love again. That was when Ray came into the picture.

Ray and I were friends in SHS and our friendship continued even after school. While we were in different relationships, we remained close friends. So we knew each other very well. That’s why we didn’t date for long. Only a few months together, and we were married.

Now, Ray and I were both virgins when we got married. The only things we knew about shuperu were in theory. So we anticipated that our wedding night was going to be special. We were eager for the ceremony to end so we could finally do it.

When the time came for us to get to business, we couldn’t do it. We did everything but he couldn’t penetrate me. So we slept. We tried subsequently within the week but there was no action. Even when we travelled for our honeymoon, we couldn’t do anything.

We used lubricants and even water but we didn’t succeed. We struggled until a week after our wedding when our officiating pastor who was also our counselor called to check on us. He asked, “Are you having any challenges? How is your sex life?” I couldn’t pretend everything was fine. So I confided in him that we had not been successful in consummating the marriage.

He was surprised but also impressed that we kept ourselves till marriage. My husband was not happy that I shared that part of our lives with the pastor. But the pastor didn’t mind. He asked to speak to my husband privately so I passed the phone to him and excused myself.

Till now, I don’t know what exactly they spoke about. All I know is that we finally had a smooth penetration that night. When I asked Ray what the pastor told him, he answered; “He advised me to spend more time on foreplay.” There may be more to it but that’s all he said.

We’ve been married for three now, and our sex life is a marvel. We keep getting better with time and I don’t regret my decision to wait till marriage. So I want to encourage others who are like Grace and Andee to keep trying and to enjoy the foreplay more before you start the real thing.

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You have to do the penetration bit by bit with shallow thrusts. It will take a while before you can take it fully so don’t rush it. Also, have a relaxed mind. I wasn’t scared to try it. I was actually very eager to experience it and I think naturally I have a high libido so it helped. Today, my husband sometimes complains that I like it too much but I care less.

To the ones who are still keeping it till marriage, I will urge you not to be discouraged. I know some of the stories or and negative comments make it seem like a bad idea to marry a virgin or marry as a virgin, but trust me, the wait is worth it. Everything has a first time, so it will definitely get better with time. I am very glad I waited and I am proud of it.

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I believe there are also men who are keeping it till marriage. I never thought I would marry one but I did and am happy and proud of him. During the first year of our marriage, my husband was mostly away in a different region working, but I was never scared he would cheat on me because I trust that he has self-discipline. That’s the same way he also trusts me.

I don’t have anyone to compare him with and neither has he. So we communicate and improve our knowledge. The good thing is, we are both very open-minded to try new things and go with the flow. So it is definitely worth the wait. Don’t be discouraged.

—Pen

#SB